Is patriarchy gone or hiding in plain sight? (with Kate Manne)

1. Distinguish ‘Is’ from ‘Ought’

Recognize that natural tendencies or existing realities (“what is”) do not dictate how things should be (“what ought to be”). This distinction empowers individuals and society to choose better, more just ways of living, even if it means resisting natural impulses.

2. Hold Men to High Standards

Maintain high expectations for men regarding equitable and non-violent behavior, as it is possible for them to achieve these standards. This optimism about male capacity can inspire positive change and better societal norms.

3. Challenge Gendered Provider Roles

Release the expectation that men must be the sole or primary financial provider, recognizing that a partner’s good livelihood is a form of security regardless of gender. Embrace flexibility in financial roles based on career access and individual circumstances, potentially seeking therapy to overcome ingrained gender norms.

4. Ensure Equal Domestic Labor

Strive for equal distribution of childcare and domestic labor within the home, especially when both partners contribute equally to paid work outside the home. This addresses a significant form of gender inequality that persists even with social progress.

5. Be a Fully Present Father

Men should strive to be fully involved and emotionally present in their children’s lives, engaging in all aspects of caregiving, from reading bedtime stories to packing lunchboxes. This fosters true intimacy and counters outdated patriarchal norms that restrict men’s roles in parenting.

6. Cultivate Emotionally Open Male Friendships

Men should strive to develop friendships with other men that allow for the open expression and reception of a full range of emotions, including sadness and vulnerability. This helps distribute emotional labor and counters the tendency for male friendships to be less emotionally intimate.

7. Challenge Misogynistic Group Behavior

Men should actively challenge misogynistic or disrespectful “locker room talk” and other morally permissive behaviors within male groups, even if it’s difficult. This means speaking up against actions or comments that an individual man knows are wrong, rather than remaining silent.

8. Raise Boys to Be Kind, Compassionate

Actively prioritize raising boys to be kind and compassionate humans, challenging mainstream parenting practices that might inadvertently neglect these traits. This helps reshape the male archetype towards more positive and emotionally intelligent expressions.

9. Prioritize Inner Qualities Over Looks

Teach young men and women to prioritize kindness, hard work, intelligence, reasoning ability, and community contribution over superficial physical appearance. This helps counter the rising body dissatisfaction and arbitrary beauty standards promoted by social media.

10. Accept Unreciprocated Desires Gracefully

Educate young men to understand that unreciprocated romantic or sexual desires are a normal part of life, a disappointment, but not an injustice. This fosters a mature response to rejection and prevents the development of harmful entitlement or resentment.

11. Approach Relationships Human-to-Human

Approach interactions with others from a human-to-human perspective, rather than defaulting to sexual expectations or presuming what the other person can do for you. Focus on genuine connection, shared interests, and what you can contribute to the interaction as a person.

12. Reframe Sex as Mutual Enjoyment

Shift the perception of sex away from social status, conquest, or a means to impress others, and instead view it as a private act of mutual, consensual enjoyment between two people. This promotes healthier and more respectful sexual relationships.

13. Extend Generosity to Female Leaders

Society needs to extend more generosity and understanding to female leaders, avoiding quick dismissal or harsh judgment for minor perceived flaws or assertive behavior. This allows them to lead effectively without being held to impossible moral standards.

14. Balance Competence with Kindness

For women in leadership, especially in male-coded roles, it’s crucial to demonstrate both supreme competence and strong qualities of compassion, generosity, and kindness. This dual presentation can help counteract biases and improve perceptions of their leadership.

15. Highlight Teamwork, Motherhood for Leaders

To counter bias against female leaders, explicitly highlight their qualities as great team players or, if applicable, their role as a mother. This can make them seem more personable, warm, and communal, improving perceptions of their leadership.

16. Release Guilt from Gender Norms

When experiencing guilt or negative feelings related to not conforming to traditional gender roles (e.g., a mother traveling for work, a man not being the primary breadwinner), recognize these feelings as products of old, unhelpful patriarchal norms, not personal failings. This awareness can help release the guilt and foster self-acceptance.

17. Channel Aggression Positively

Recognize that aggression can be a useful human emotion when channeled towards positive ends, such as confronting injustice or defending vulnerable people. This involves using rational capacities to stand up for others without resorting to violence.

18. Support Individual Pursuit of Interests

Focus on enabling individuals to pursue their interests without gender-based pressure or preconceived notions about “natural” differences. The exact statistical differences in interests between genders are less important than ensuring everyone has the freedom to follow their passions.

19. Address Harassment in Male-Dominated Fields

Actively address and eliminate issues like sexual harassment, discrimination, and patronizing attitudes in male-dominated fields (e.g., philosophy, STEM) that push women out. Independent evidence of such experiences should be taken seriously, regardless of overall gender representation statistics.