Productive Conversations and Feedback Loops (with Julia Carvalho)
1. Build Causal Model for Advice
Before giving advice, build a detailed mental causal model of the person’s situation by asking many questions to understand the underlying dynamics, ensuring your advice is well-informed and relevant.
2. Maintain Product Optimization Loop
In product development, continuously ask, ‘What is my current model? What do I need to learn next?’ to filter all actions and refine your understanding of the product and users.
3. Implement Anonymous Feedback Surveys
Actively add feedback loops, such as anonymous weekly surveys for clients or patients, to gather crucial insights on what is helpful or not, enabling continuous improvement in your service.
4. Give Specific, Principle-Based Feedback
When giving feedback, be highly specific about what was done well or poorly, and explain the underlying principle so the person understands how to apply the lesson in future situations.
5. Give Negative Feedback for Trust
Don’t hesitate to give critical feedback, as withholding it can undermine trust and psychological safety, leaving others frustrated and uncertain about what to improve.
6. Help Untangle Problems, Don’t Solve
When listening to someone with a problem, view their situation as a ’tangled ball of yarn’ and focus on asking clarifying questions to help them sort through it, rather than immediately offering solutions.
7. Loop the Question for Products
For any project, start with the ‘meta question’ (What do I need to know that I don’t know?), then answer specific ‘object-level questions’ using various tools, and immediately return to the meta question in a continuous loop.
8. Identify Benefits of Bad Behaviors
When trying to change a ‘bad’ behavior, honestly acknowledge any hidden benefits you’re getting from it, as this understanding can help you find alternative ways to meet those needs and make change easier.
9. Zoom In on Undesired Behavior
To understand and change a problematic behavior, pay extremely close attention to the exact moment it happens (or immediately after), breaking it down moment-by-moment to gain crucial insights into its triggers and dynamics.
10. Listening Exercise: No-Reaction Talk
To improve listening, have a housemate speak for seven minutes with their eyes closed, without you reacting at all, then switch roles; this helps understand the value of presence over constant responses.
11. Avoid Interjecting or Unsolicited Advice
When someone is speaking, avoid interjecting, giving unsolicited advice, or jumping on a piece they said to talk about yourself, as this can derail their connection and feeling of being heard.
12. Ask Clarifying Questions
Actively ask clarifying questions, such as ‘in what way?’ or ‘what is differently?’, to ensure you fully understand what the other person is saying and help them expand on their thoughts.
13. Offer Options, Seek Advice Feedback
When giving advice, propose two or three options and ask which one the person thinks would be most helpful, bringing them into the loop and leveraging their deeper understanding of their own situation.
14. Explore Advice Implementation Challenges
After offering advice, ask the person if they plan to implement it and what challenges they foresee, without pressure, to further refine the strategy and uncover deeper issues.
15. Respect Others’ Situational Understanding
Recognize that people are generally reasonable within their own reference frame, and if they decline advice, it likely means there’s a deeper underlying pressure or reason you haven’t yet understood.
16. Use A/B Tests for Behavior
To understand how people will behave in a specific situation, use A/B tests to put users directly into that situation, as this provides the most true-to-life data on their actions.
17. Consult Experts for Theory
When developing a theory of what’s going on or understanding complex user behavior, consult experts to gain ideas and map out the dynamics of that particular space or behavior.
18. Assess Expert Feedback Loops
When evaluating an expert’s advice, consider the specific feedback loops they experience in their area of expertise, as true expertise is often built on direct, repeated learning from outcomes.
19. Actively Add Feedback Loops
Consciously integrate feedback loops into your activities, as many things can be significantly improved by systematically gathering information on performance and impact, even if it’s not a standard practice.
20. Ensure Feedback From Target Audience
When seeking feedback, ensure it comes from your intended target audience or main users, as feedback from slightly different groups can be subtly misleading and push your efforts in the wrong direction.
21. Optimize for Right Kind of Feedback
Be mindful of the type of feedback you’re optimizing for; ensure it aligns with your desired outcomes (e.g., value, resonance) rather than potentially negative metrics like outrage or mere attention.
22. Iterative Content Creation with Feedback
Develop content through an iterative, multi-stage feedback process: start with a small idea (e.g., Twitter), gauge resonance, expand to a larger platform (e.g., Facebook) for critiques, then refine and polish (e.g., blog) with final edits.
23. Small Talk as Breadth-First Search
View small talk as a ‘breadth-first search’ to quickly find common ground or an agreeable topic, fostering connection by identifying shared experiences or interests.
24. Ask About Interests for Connection
Instead of generic small talk, ask questions like ‘What are you interested in?’ or ‘What are you excited about?’ to more quickly find common ground and foster deeper connections.
25. Share Emotions for Connection
To build connection, shortcut to sharing an emotion, such as shared exasperation or amusement over a common experience, which can quickly create a sense of rapport.
26. Relax When Listening
When trying to be a better listener, relax and let go of the pressure to formulate the perfect response, as worrying about what to say next can hinder genuine listening.
27. Build ‘No’ Muscle
If you struggle to say no, consciously work on building that ’no’ muscle; this allows you to engage in more situations without the stress of anticipating unwanted requests or commitments.
28. Subtlety in Romantic Interest
If you are interested in someone romantically, approach subtly and allow interest to develop slowly, as overt pursuit can make it difficult for the other person to develop their own feelings of wanting more.
29. Anticipation Fuels Romantic Interest
Understand that anticipation, or ‘wanting more than you have,’ is a key component of developing a crush; if someone pursues too hard, this anticipation is lost, making it harder for feelings to grow.
30. Avoid Rushing Romantic Pacing
Be mindful of pacing in romantic pursuits; moving too fast can force the other person into a ‘gatekeeping’ mindset, which is not conducive to developing genuine affection.
31. Initiate if Feelings Develop Slowly
If you tend to develop romantic feelings very slowly, consider initiating romantic situations yourself, as others who initiate may be months ahead in their feelings, leading to an imbalance.
32. Address External Procrastination Pressures
If procrastination stems from feeling a task is unimportant or misprioritized, step back and try to resolve the external pressure or clarify its necessity, rather than just pushing through.
33. Use Therapists for Accountability
Leverage therapists not just for life skills, but for the structured time they provide to reflect on self-improvement goals and the social pressure to act on those intentions.
34. Test Causal Models for Self-Correction
Apply your causal models of behavior to try and solve problems; if a strategy based on your model doesn’t work, use that as feedback to update and refine your understanding of what’s truly going on.
35. Prioritize Trustworthy Information
In any decision-making process, prioritize ignoring misleading information and actively seeking out information that you can trust, as this is often harder and more crucial than simply acquiring data.