Psychological Models and Parenting (with Divia Eden)

1. Understand Internal Parts (IFS)

Conceptualize yourself as being made up of different parts (exiles, managers, firefighters, Self) to better understand internal conflicts and motivations. This framework helps identify the protective roles of managers (preventing pain) and firefighters (distracting from pain) and the underlying pain of exiled child parts.

2. Listen to Internal Parts with Curiosity

When experiencing internal conflict or a strong emotion, approach the ‘part’ associated with it with curiosity and openness, rather than immediately trying to problem-solve. This empathetic listening allows you to fully understand the part’s story, motivations, and the emotional picture driving its behavior.

3. Ask Parts to Step Aside

If an analytical or emotional part is overwhelming or blocking access to deeper feelings, ask it to ‘step aside’ temporarily. This technique, often used in IFS, allows for a high-bandwidth connection to the emotional side of what’s going on, leading to less blended and more objective self-awareness.

4. Negotiate with Internal Parts Authentically

If a part is manifesting an unwanted state (e.g., persistent sleepiness), try to understand its underlying message (e.g., ‘prioritize sleep more’). Make an authentic deal or commitment to address its concern, and the unwanted state may resolve immediately, as the part no longer needs to signal.

5. Prefer Reward Over Punishment

When training animals or influencing human behavior, prioritize positive reinforcement (rewards) over punishment. Rewards foster a positive relationship and encourage desired behaviors, whereas punishment often teaches avoidance of the punisher rather than eliminating the unwanted behavior.

6. Shape Desired Behaviors with Small Steps

To teach new habits or behaviors, start with very small, achievable steps and consistently reward each successive approximation towards the desired outcome. This ‘shaping’ technique is effective for both self-training and influencing others, making complex behaviors attainable.

7. Identify Internal “Upvote” for Self-Reward

Discover your unique internal ‘upvote’ or psychological reward (e.g., ‘Yes, I did that!’) that naturally occurs after doing something awesome. Intentionally use this internal reward immediately after performing a desired habit to reinforce it and make it stick.

8. Understand Underlying Needs for Behavior

When a child or pet exhibits an unwanted behavior (e.g., cat biting, child tantrum), first seek to understand why they are doing it and what they are trying to communicate or achieve. Addressing the underlying need or providing an acceptable alternative can often resolve the behavior more effectively than punishment.

9. View Misbehavior as Stress Signals

Adopt the perspective that most undesirable behaviors in children are downstream of them being stressed or upset in some way. This reframing encourages empathy and problem-solving to address the root cause of stress, rather than solely focusing on behavior modification.

10. Encourage Safe Expression of Distress

Foster an environment where children feel safe and comfortable expressing their distress to you. Avoid viewing crying or strong emotional expressions as inherently bad or manipulative, as they are crucial for attachment and communicating important needs.

11. Prioritize Understanding Needs in Relationships

In any close relationship, when someone expresses a strong preference or distress, prioritize making a ‘relational update’ to understand how much they truly care about the issue. Be willing to reconsider your stance based on this updated understanding, fostering trust and deeper connection.

12. Adopt Timeless Decision-Making in Relationships

In high-trust, iterative relationships, view your decisions not just as affecting the present moment, but also as influencing how the other person models and predicts your future behavior. Make choices that align with the kind of person you want to be perceived as, fostering long-term trust and cooperation.

13. Debug New Habits Early

If a new habit isn’t catching on after the first few attempts, don’t wait; debug it immediately. There’s likely a better way to implement or reward the habit that needs to be discovered.

14. Establish Clear, Non-Negotiable Boundaries

For behaviors that are truly unacceptable or disruptive, establish clear, non-negotiable boundaries. Consistently avoid rewarding the unwanted behavior to prevent inadvertently reinforcing it, while still seeking to understand underlying motivations.

15. Avoid Coercive High-Stakes Rewards

Be cautious of offering extremely high-stakes rewards for behaviors that might cause internal conflict or stress. Such rewards can feel coercive and lead to negative fallout, even if the reward itself is positive.

16. Recognize Self-Rewarding Behaviors

Understand that some behaviors (e.g., a dog barking) can be self-rewarding by relieving tension or serving an internal purpose, and thus may not respond to external rewards or punishments.

17. Verify Techniques with Real-World Change

When trying new psychological techniques or frameworks (like IFS), measure their effectiveness by observing real, tangible changes in your behavior or situation. Avoid optimizing for internal ‘heuristics’ of success and focus on practical outcomes.