What do we know about psychology that matters? (with Paul Bloom)

1. View Relationships as Dojo

Frame your long-term relationship as a “transformational crucible” or “dojo” to cultivate emotional fitness and personal growth. This perspective helps you see conflicts as opportunities to build resilience and expand your capacities.

2. Embrace Conflict for Intimacy

See conflict as a developmental process essential for forging intimacy and personal growth. Navigating conflicts correctly creates “microscopic tears” in the relationship’s “heart muscle,” allowing it to grow back stronger.

3. See Partner as Michelangelo

Adopt the mindset that your partner is like Michelangelo, helping to carve away your defense mechanisms and limiting patterns. This reframes feedback or criticism as an act of love, aimed at revealing your “masterpiece” self.

4. Balance “Me” and “We”

Identify whether you tend to be more “me-centered” (agentic, self-oriented) or “we-centered” (communal, other-attuned) in relationships. Actively work to develop proficiency in your underdeveloped skill to achieve wholeness and balance.

5. Lead Self Out of Victimhood

If you find yourself in a victim narrative, actively seek ways to reclaim your agency and power. Reframe past traumas as an “educational platform” for your greatness, and take courageous actions to emancipate yourself.

6. Translate Complaints to Invitations

Instead of delivering “WTF” (shame, blame, make wrong) complaints, practice translating your frustrations into “MLK” (Martin Luther King) assertions. Reframe feedback as an inspirational invitation to your partner’s greatness, aligning with their values for better outcomes.

7. Increase Self-Esteem via Opposites

Actively develop the relational skills opposite to your natural inclination (e.g., self-attunement for we-centered, other-attunement for me-centered). This expands your capacity to cope with diverse realities and increases self-esteem by aligning behavior with admired values.

8. Bring Your A-Game Always

Treat every romantic interaction, especially dates, as practice to bring your “A-game” (highest self, emotional sophistication, moral dignity, care, consideration). This habituates your best self for future relationships, including your life partner.

9. Consider Three-Way Win

When making decisions in a relationship, consider a “three-way win” by asking: “What do I want?”, “What does my partner want?”, and “What would serve and nourish the relationship?” Prioritizing the relationship’s well-being often leads to individual upgrades.

10. Trust Nervous System for Self-Care

Practice self-care by attuning to your nervous system in real-time and trusting its data as paramount. This means honoring your internal signals about safety and comfort, rather than ignoring them to accommodate others.

11. Research Partner for Communication

Invest time in understanding your partner’s core values and “keywords” that resonate with them. Tailor your communication and requests to align with their motivations, increasing the likelihood of desired behavioral changes.

12. Focus on Behavior Change

When seeking change in a relationship or system, prioritize strategies that lead to actual behavior change over those that merely provide emotional catharsis. Regulate your emotions and act from a grounded, strategic place to achieve sustainable transformation.

13. Help Others Without Demolishing Dignity

When confronting someone or giving feedback, ensure you do so in a way that preserves their dignity and self-esteem. This approach allows them to engage with their internal conscience and facilitates genuine, lasting change.

14. “We-Centered” Self-Caretaker Tool

If you are more “we-centered,” adopt the mindset that you are the sole caretaker of your own well-being. Attune to your nervous system in real-time, track your needs and wants, and present them to the world to ensure healthy, long-term relationships.

15. “Me-Centered” Other-Caretaker Tool

If you are more “me-centered,” practice acting as the sole caretaker of another person’s well-being. This trains you to track and prioritize their needs and wants, developing empathy algorithms crucial for successful relationships.

16. “We-Centered” Self-Attunement Tool

If you are more “we-centered,” learn from “me-centered” individuals by mentally setting aside others’ needs and wants. This “inner game technology” allows you to attune to your own desires and boundaries more clearly, fostering self-connection.

17. Assess Relational Polarity

To determine your relational polarity, assess whether you instinctively prioritize expressing your own needs and wants (me-centered) or attuning to others’ needs and feelings (we-centered). This self-awareness guides your developmental path.

18. Understand Attraction to Heartbreak

Recognize that romantic attraction often stems from a subconscious desire to replay and heal past attachment wounds from childhood. Use this awareness to consciously train your partner to love you in the way you most needed, fostering personal growth.

19. Understand Complaints as Growth

When receiving a complaint, reframe it as an expression of love and belief in your potential to align more deeply with your own values. This perspective helps you engage with feedback constructively, fostering personal and relational growth.

20. Use “Extraordinary Self” Heuristic

When facing uncertainty or difficult choices, ask yourself, “What would the most extraordinary, emotionally brave version of myself do?” Then, take that action, using it as a guide to align with your highest potential.

21. Address Pain, Not Blame

Recognize that blame and shame often mask underlying pain. To inspire genuine change and connection, cultivate the courage to openly express your pain from a grounded place, rather than resorting to blame or shame.