What happens when you follow 100 self-help books to the letter? (with Kristen Meinzer)

May 15, 2024 1h 15m 18 insights Episode Page ↗
Spencer Greenberg speaks with Kristen Meinzer, co-host of "How to Be Fine," about self-help books. They discuss the challenges of extracting actionable advice, the impact of personal circumstances on self-help effectiveness, and common pitfalls like universal claims, victim-blaming, and unregulated coaching.
Actionable Insights

1. Recognize Individual Differences

Understand that self-help advice is not universal; what works for one person may not work for another due to differing biology, traumas, or socioeconomic circumstances. Do not feel broken or like a failure if a method doesn’t work for you.

2. Avoid Universal Assumptions

Be cautious of people, especially self-help authors, who assume that whatever worked for them will work for everyone else. Their conviction does not necessarily equate to universal truth.

3. Question Self-Help Authority

Remember that you are the ultimate expert on yourself, not the author of a self-help book, who doesn’t know your unique background or traumas. Many authors may also lack genuine credentials despite appearing as experts.

4. Selectively Apply Self-Help

Feel free to pick and choose specific nuggets of advice that resonate with you from self-help books, rather than trying to follow every instruction. Discard what doesn’t work for you without self-blame.

5. Don’t Evangelize Self-Help

If a self-help book or method works for you, avoid becoming an evangelist and trying to force others to adopt it. What works for you may not work for them, and it’s okay for people to be different.

6. Prioritize Community Care

Consider that personal unhappiness or challenges might stem from larger structural or social issues, not just individual failings. Seek solutions that address community well-being in addition to self-care.

7. Critically Evaluate Therapy/Coaching

Approach therapists and life coaches with caution, especially when vulnerable, and remember they are human with biases and agendas. Be wary of those who don’t set professional boundaries or whose theories lack evidence.

8. Ask Therapist for Homework

To make therapy more effective, ask your therapist for homework or things to do between sessions. This ensures you’re actively applying insights and making progress outside of the session time.

9. Evaluate Therapist Longevity

Consider if a long-term therapeutic relationship (e.g., over 20 years) is still productive or if it has become a crutch. A good therapist should ideally help clients make progress and eventually part ways.

10. Practice Positive Observation

Actively look for the good things in your environment and life, as this can make life more enjoyable and beautiful. This practice can shift your perspective away from constant negativity.

11. Find Good in Everything

Try an exercise of walking down the street and finding something positive or amazing about everything you see, from a stop sign to a coffee shop. This can foster excitement and appreciation for being alive.

12. Greet Loved Ones Enthusiastically

Emulate the enthusiasm of a dog greeting its owner by showing genuine excitement and affection when loved ones return or when you see them. This can strengthen relationships and make people feel valued.

13. Make Tiny Connections

Don’t let the pursuit of perfect, long interactions prevent you from making small, frequent efforts to connect with friends and loved ones. Even a single sentence or a quick shared memory can be enough to maintain a bond.

14. Avoid Victim-Blaming Narratives

Reject self-help ideas that encourage taking ownership for traumas or bad things that were not your fault. Acknowledge legitimate victimization as part of the healing process, then focus on moving forward and building strength.

15. Be Wary of Diet Books

Recognize that diet books are often dangerous and unsustainable, promoting extreme eating habits that can lead to nutrient deprivation and disordered eating. They frequently blame the reader for failure rather than acknowledging their own flawed premises.

16. Question Productivity Extremes

Be skeptical of productivity books that advocate extreme routines like waking at 5 AM and working until midnight, as these are often unsustainable and can lead to burnout and sleep deprivation. Understand that bodies have limits and not everyone can maintain such a schedule.

17. Give Women Permission to Be Angry

Acknowledge that it’s healthy for women to feel and express anger, as many self-help narratives often deny this emotion. There are valid reasons for anger, and it shouldn’t always be suppressed or reframed.

18. Thoroughly Distill Self-Help Books

If you want to truly follow a self-help book, read it with a fine-tooth comb, highlighting, outlining, and spending significant time to distill the actual actionable steps. Many books bury their advice amidst anecdotes, making it hard to find clear instructions.