Buddhist Monks On: Letting Go of Shame, The Opposite of Depression, and Dealing With Criticism | Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho
This episode with North American-born Theravada monks Ajahn Kovilo and Ajahn Nisabho explores "monk hacks" for navigating relationships, giving/receiving feedback, staying sane amidst global challenges, and cultivating inner peace and purpose.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Introduction to Monastic Guests and Episode Themes
Ajahn Kovilo's Path to Monasticism
Ajahn Nisabo's Journey to Monastic Life
The Monastic Practice of 'Confession' (Avikaroti)
Practical Application of Confession for Non-Monastics
Sila (Ethical Conduct) and the Well-being Cascade
Buddha's Principles for Giving Feedback
Practical Frameworks for Giving Feedback (BAGEL)
Buddha's Guidance on Receiving Feedback (Suvaca)
Practical Techniques for Receiving Feedback
Navigating Modern Life's Challenges: A Threefold Approach
Sila Practices for Managing News and Cultivating Generosity
Samadhi and Panya Practices for Emotional Well-being
Understanding 'Faith' (Sadha) as a Working Hypothesis
The Embodied Practice of Bowing and 'End of Faith'
Clear Mountain Monastery Project and Podcast
6 Key Concepts
Avikaroti
A Pali word meaning 'making open' or 'confession' in a Buddhist context. It's a practice of opening oneself up to a trusted spiritual friend, acknowledging mistakes, and aspiring for future restraint, framed as a path to growth in the Dhamma.
Sila
A Pali word for ethical conduct or integrity. In Buddhism, it's not about rigid rules but a foundation for peace of mind and concentration, leading to happiness by living in alignment with one's values and avoiding blameworthiness.
Well-being Cascade
A framework described by the Buddha where practicing virtue (sila) leads to a sequence of positive states: well-being (pamoja), rapture/joy (piti), bodily tranquility, happiness (sukha), and finally concentration (samadhi). It suggests that happiness precedes concentration.
Suvaca
A Pali word meaning 'easy to speak to' or 'easy to admonish.' It's a virtue of being receptive to feedback, valuing it as a treasure, and avoiding common defensive reactions like anger, obstinacy, or changing the topic.
Saraniya Practice
A practice of giving before consuming, based on the Buddha's teaching about the power of sharing. It involves instantiating generosity daily, such as sharing food or helping others, to cultivate a bright and compassionate heart.
Sadha
A Pali word for confidence or faith, literally 'placing the heart.' In Buddhism, it's not blind faith but a working hypothesis that it's possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones, serving as a conscious foundation for effort and practice.
10 Questions Answered
In monastic life, 'confession' (avikaroti) means 'making open' oneself to a trusted spiritual friend, acknowledging mistakes, and aspiring for future restraint, which the Buddha framed as a practice for growth in Dhamma.
Non-monastics can practice this with an 'accountability buddy' or spiritual friend they trust and admire, meeting regularly (e.g., bi-weekly) to openly discuss actions they wish they'd done better and things they appreciate, using a simple formula for acknowledgment and commitment to future restraint.
Sila is crucial because living in line with one's values brings a 'bliss of blamelessness,' allowing the mind to calm down and settle, which is foundational for concentration and happiness, rather than being a set of commandments.
The Buddha advised giving feedback only from a mind of loving kindness, at the right time, truthfully, and by asking and receiving permission, to ensure the recipient can hear and benefit from it without resentment.
A modern memory aid is the 'BAGEL' acronym: Is it Beneficial? Is it Accurate? Am I speaking Gently? Is it Expedient (timely)? And is it with a mind of Loving kindness?
Cultivate the virtue of Suvaca ('being easy to speak to') by valuing feedback as a treasure, avoiding counter-reproving or anger, and preparing the heart to be vast and receptive like the earth, water, or sky.
Physically adopt a receptive stance (e.g., prayer hands), avoid immediate reactive speech, use non-violent communication (observation, feeling, need, request), and internally notice breathing, slow it down, and direct loving kindness towards oneself.
Employ a threefold approach: Sila (virtue) by limiting news consumption and practicing generosity; Samadhi (concentration) by cultivating loving kindness daily; and Panya (wisdom) by developing equanimity and a broader perspective.
Sadha is not blind faith but 'placing the heart' on the working hypothesis that it is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones, serving as a conscious foundation for effort and positive habits.
Bowing is an embodied practice to instantiate and consciously reaffirm one's faith or confidence in the potential for awakening (Buddha), the truth of the teachings (Dhamma), and the supportive community (Sangha). Non-Buddhists can bow to their own 'North Star' or highest values as a daily reminder.
17 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Virtue for Inner Peace
Embrace ethical conduct (sila) as a foundation for happiness and concentration, as the Buddha’s well-being cascade suggests that inner virtue leads to well-being, joy, tranquility, and ultimately, a calm and focused mind.
2. Practice Regular ‘Opening Up’
Engage in a bi-weekly practice of “avikaroti” (making open) with a trusted spiritual friend or accountability buddy to openly acknowledge your actions, speech, and intentions, fostering growth and self-awareness by bringing ‘dark corners’ to light.
3. Cultivate ‘Easy to Speak To’ Quality
Develop the virtue of Suvaca by actively valuing feedback as a treasure, avoiding defensiveness, anger, or changing the subject, and instead seeing it as an opportunity for character development, much like wiping a smudge from a mirror.
4. Give Feedback with Loving Kindness
Before offering feedback, ensure your intention is rooted in care and a desire for the other person’s improvement, not anger or annoyance, and wait until your mind state is calm and friendly to ensure it can be heard.
5. Practice Self-Compassion When Receiving Feedback
When faced with criticism, notice your breathing, slow it down, and direct loving kindness towards yourself (perhaps with a hand over your heart), allowing any pain or reactive impulses to subside before responding.
6. Start Your Day with Loving Kindness
Dedicate the first 10-15 minutes of your day to cultivating loving kindness (metta) by bringing attention to your heart and repeating a mantra like “May they be well,” to orient your mind positively and set a wholesome trajectory.
7. Practice Daily Generosity (Saraniya)
Instill a habit of giving before consuming, such as composting food, feeding a pet, or carrying items to give to those in need, to counteract feelings of overwhelm and foster connection and a sense of purpose.
8. Limit News Consumption and Digital Input
Reduce anxiety and maintain a brighter mind by setting boundaries around news intake, such as waiting until after morning practice, putting phones away after 6 PM, or taking one news-free day a week.
9. Embrace ‘Faith’ as a Working Hypothesis
Adopt the foundational Buddhist belief that it is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states and cultivate wholesome ones, treating this as a testable principle and an underlying presupposition for positive change.
10. Pause and Reflect Before Responding
When receiving feedback, thank the person and state that you will take time (e.g., 15 minutes) to think about it before responding, allowing initial defensiveness to fade and adrenaline to drop.
11. Use the BAGEL Framework for Feedback
Before speaking, check if your feedback is Beneficial, Accurate, Gentle, Expedient (timely), and delivered with Loving kindness (BAGEL), ensuring constructive and well-received communication.
12. State Positive Intentions for Feedback
When giving feedback, explicitly communicate your wholesome intentions to the recipient (e.g., “I’m telling you this because our relationship matters to me” or “I want you to flourish”) to improve how it is received.
13. Reaffirm Your Values Regularly
Consciously and regularly state your goals and how you want to live, as this psychological act of affirming your identity and values can lead to more honest and aligned behavior, as shown in studies on truthfulness.
14. Avoid Suffering to ‘Honor’ World Suffering
Recognize that true compassion (karuna) is a bright, luminous state, and being miserable or depressed about the state of the world does not help; instead, bring brightness and healing to situations.
15. Cultivate Equanimity for World Events
Develop a ‘bird’s eye view’ (upeka) on global challenges, understanding that the world has always faced difficulties, and beautiful beings have navigated them with equanimity and care, allowing for less constriction of the mind.
16. Ground Yourself with Earth/Water/Sky Similes
When overwhelmed by external input or feedback, mentally embody the vastness and stability of the great earth, the coolness and broad flow of the Ganges River, or the open and spacious nature of the sky to maintain inner peace.
17. Practice Daily Bowing to Your North Star
Engage in a physical bowing practice (e.g., three times in the morning and evening) to a symbol of your highest values or “North Star” as an embodied reminder and tribute to what you care about most.
8 Key Quotes
You can either have the suffering of living alone or the suffering of living in community. But it's much better that suffering of living in community because it's the mirror, like it's you opening yourself day after day.
Ajahn Nisabo
If someone points out your flaws, it's a treasure. It's like they're pointing out treasure to you.
Ajahn Nisabo
The sign of virtue is peace of mind or concentration. The nimitta of sila is samadhi.
Ajahn Nisabo
If beings knew, as I know, the power of giving and sharing, they wouldn't eat without first having given.
The Buddha (quoted by Ajahn Kovilo)
We do no one any favors by being miserable and depressed about the state of the world.
Ajahn Nisabo
The way you honor those things is by bringing brightness and healing to them. And you can have a bright heart to do that. You need to have a bright heart to do that.
Ajahn Nisabo
Engaging joyfully in the sorrows of the world.
Joseph Campbell (quoted by Dan Harris)
It is possible to abandon unwholesome mind states. And that it is possible to cultivate wholesome mind states.
The Buddha (quoted by Ajahn Kovilo)
7 Protocols
Confession/Opening Up Practice (for Monastics)
Ajahn Kovilo, Ajahn Nisabo- Every two weeks, gather with a trusted monk/nun companion.
- Bow to a Buddha statue (or highest goal/role model).
- Recite a Pali formula praising the Buddha.
- Open oneself up by stating transgressions (e.g., 'In the last two weeks, I did X and would like to show restraint in the future.').
- Companion asks, 'Do you see?'
- Confessor responds, 'Yes, I do see that it is unbecoming/inappropriate.'
- Companion asks, 'Will you show restraint in the future?'
- Confessor responds, 'Yes, I will try.'
- Both say, 'Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu' (It's great/wonderful that you're trying).
- (Optional) Follow with gratitudes for things done well, using a similar formula.
Confession/Opening Up Practice (for Non-Monastics)
Ajahn Kovilo, Ajahn Nisabo- Find an 'accountability buddy' or spiritual friend whom you trust and admire (not necessarily a spouse).
- Get together regularly (e.g., every week or two weeks) for tea or a meal.
- Bow to an image you respect (e.g., Buddha image) or simply acknowledge your highest ideals.
- Open your heart by sharing things you wish you'd done better or things you appreciated.
- Use a simple formula for back-and-forth, such as: 'I did X.' 'Do you see?' 'I see.' 'Will you be restrained in the future?' 'I will.' 'Sadhu.'
- Ensure the conversation is held confidentially.
Giving Feedback (BAGEL Method)
Ajahn Kovilo, Ajahn Nisabo- Before speaking, check your intention: Is it out of loving kindness and wanting the other person to improve, or anger/envy? If not wholesome, wait.
- Examine your own conduct: Are you actually doing or refraining from doing the thing you want the other person to not do?
- Check the 'BAGEL' principles: Is it Beneficial? Is it Accurate? Am I speaking Gently? Is it Expedient (timely)? And is it with a mind of Loving kindness?
- (Optional, but recommended) State your wholesome intentions to the recipient before giving the feedback (e.g., 'I'm telling you this because this relationship matters to me.').
Receiving Feedback Skillfully
Ajahn Kovilo, Ajahn Nisabo- Physically adopt a receptive stance, such as holding hands in Anjali (prayer hands), to open the heart.
- Avoid immediate counter-admonishment or reactive speech. If necessary, state, 'Thank you for what you've said. I don't know if I can agree with all of it, but I'm going to take this and think about it for about 15 minutes, and I'll get right back to you.'
- Use Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication framework if engaging in dialogue: state your Observation, your Feeling, your Need, and then make a Request.
- Internally, notice your breathing, slow it down, and bring attention to your feet if you feel tension or anger.
- Spread loving kindness (metta) to yourself, especially if feeling pain or the urge to lash out, by placing a hand over the heart and letting a gentle glow hold you.
- Keep two things in mind: 'Is this true?' and 'I'm not going to be provoked.'
- Cultivate a mind that is abundant like the great earth, vast flowing like the Ganges River, and open/spacious like the sky, not receiving marks.
Saraniya Practice (Giving Before Consuming)
Ajahn Kovilo, Ajahn Nisabo- Instantiate your desire to give every day or regularly.
- Examples include: composting a bit of food before you eat, feeding a pet before you eat, carrying protein bars to give to those in need, volunteering at a soup kitchen weekly, or serving a family member before yourself.
- (Optional, for giving to people in need): Lower yourself to their physical level, learn their name, and touch their hand to foster connection.
Daily Loving Kindness Practice (Samadhi for Modern Life)
Ajahn Nisabo- Right when you wake up, bring attention to the heart.
- Cultivate a glow of loving kindness.
- For the first 15 minutes of the day (e.g., in the shower), instead of engaging in internal arguments or obsessions, repeat a loving kindness mantra (e.g., 'May they be well, may they be happy, may they be filled with loving kindness').
Daily Bowing Practice (Embodying Faith)
Ajahn Kovilo- Upon waking, bow three times to your North Star (e.g., Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha, or whatever you care about most).
- Before going to bed, bow three times.
- Before and after eating, bow three times.