Harvard Business School Professor on Building Trust, Reducing Regret, and the Underrated Power of Oversharing | Leslie John
Leslie John, James E. Burke Professor at Harvard Business School, argues that "too little information" (TLI) is a greater danger than TMI. She highlights the physiological and psychological benefits of self-disclosure and offers practical strategies for strategic, successful revealing.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
The Underrated Power of Self-Disclosure
Studies That Changed Leslie John's Perspective on Revealing
Physiological and Psychological Costs of Keeping Secrets
The Benefits of Putting Feelings Into Words
The Importance of Validation Over Advice
Recognizing Daily Disclosure Decisions
Undersharing Leads to Missed Opportunities
The Goldilocks Principle of Disclosure
The Ben Franklin Upgrade for Disclosure Decisions
Interrogating Your 'Why' for Disclosure
The Line Between TMI and Trust-Building
Leslie John's Personal Experience with Undersharing
Practical Principles for Difficult Conversations
The Mind-Reading Expectation and Relationship Challenges
The Link Between Sharing Feelings and Fewer Life Regrets
5 Key Concepts
Impact Bias
A cognitive bias where individuals overestimate how long they will feel negative emotions when something bad happens. This bias contributes to overestimating the risks of self-disclosure, as people forget that the 'cringy feeling' of embarrassment eventually subsides.
Galvanic Skin Response
A physiological measure of stress, typically indicated by how sweaty one's palms and fingertips become. Studies show that children who are more expressive in their faces and 'let it out' are less physiologically stressed, suggesting a link between outward expression and reduced internal stress.
Disclosure Flexibility
The skill of adapting one's level of openness to different contexts and relationships. Highly skilled revealers can shift from being extremely open with a life partner to being reserved and guarded in a competitive professional setting, demonstrating self-awareness and strategic intent.
Mind Reading Expectations
The implicit belief that others, especially close partners or friends, should instinctively know how you feel or what you need without explicit communication. This often leads to communication breakdowns and resentment in relationships because people stop asking questions and revealing their inner states.
Emotions Wheel
A tool designed to help individuals refine and articulate their feelings by expanding their emotional vocabulary. It starts with broad categories like 'good' or 'bad' and then branches out to more specific adjectives, aiding in self-awareness and effective communication of one's inner state.
8 Questions Answered
People tend to fixate on and overestimate the risks of revealing, such as potential embarrassment or negative consequences, while underestimating the costs of staying silent and the benefits of disclosure.
Keeping secrets leads to rumination, increased mental load, and can temporarily decrease IQ. Chronically keeping secrets is linked to lower well-being, more frequent illness, and can manifest as passive aggression or avoidance.
Translating feelings and thoughts into language engages the prefrontal cortex, the logical part of the brain, and imposes a story structure. This process creates a sense of certainty and concreteness, reducing the anxiety caused by swirling, uncertain thoughts.
Validation, such as saying 'I hear you' or 'That sounds like it's really hard,' is the most comforting and effective response. It makes the person feel understood and helps them cope, often more so than offering advice or trying to emphasize the positive.
Start by becoming aware of the many daily opportunities for disclosure. As a rule of thumb, try to go one layer deeper than you ordinarily would in a conversation, and then ask an appropriately probing question to your conversation partner.
Leaders can reveal minor weaknesses, such as being 'a little nervous about public speaking' or experiencing a dry mouth, to build trust without diminishing perceived competence. However, revealing severe issues like 'full-on panic attacks' can undermine competence.
The 'Ben Franklin upgrade' encourages considering all four quadrants of a decision: the pros and cons of revealing, and the pros and cons of not revealing. This comprehensive approach helps overcome the natural tendency to only focus on the risks of disclosure.
In long-term relationships, people often develop an overconfidence in their knowledge of their partner, which massively outsizes their actual understanding. This leads them to stop asking questions, stop being curious, and stop revealing, causing a decline in intimacy.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace Self-Disclosure for Well-being
Actively engage in self-disclosure, as it is intrinsically rewarding, activating pleasure centers in the brain, and can reduce physiological stress, as seen in studies where expressive children were less stressed.
2. Verbalize Thoughts to Reduce Anxiety
Transform swirling thoughts and feelings into spoken or written words to engage the logical prefrontal cortex and impose a story structure, which reduces uncertainty and anxiety.
3. Validate Feelings, Not Just Advise
When listening to others, prioritize validation by acknowledging their feelings (e.g., “I hear you,” “That sounds hard,” “That sucks”) over offering advice, as it is more comforting and increases well-being.
4. Avoid Undersharing’s Steep Costs
Be aware that undersharing leads to missed opportunities in relationships, work, and life, and can result in rumination, mental load, and lower well-being, as not saying something is an active choice with consequences.
5. Clarify Disclosure Goals
Before revealing, understand your purpose (e.g., venting, seeking support, influencing change) because your goal dictates the appropriate context, timing, and audience for disclosure.
6. Evaluate Disclosure with Four Quadrants
When making disclosure decisions, consider not only the risks and benefits of revealing, but also the costs and benefits of not revealing, to make a more informed and strategic choice (the Ben Franklin upgrade).
7. Go One Layer Deeper in Conversations
To foster true connection beyond small talk, go one level deeper than usual by commenting on the meaning of events to you, rather than just what happened, and then invite the other person to share.
8. Practice “I Feel, I Need” Statements
In conversations, articulate your feelings using an expanded emotional vocabulary, and clearly state your needs (e.g., “I need a hug,” “I need you to listen”) to avoid mind-reading expectations and improve communication.
9. Listen First for Effective Feedback
When delivering difficult feedback, spend the majority of the meeting listening to the other person first to understand their perspective, disarm defensiveness, and make the conversation more developmental.
10. Begin Feedback with Appreciation
When giving constructive feedback, always start with a compliment or expression of appreciation for the employee, as this “first slice” of the feedback sandwich is vitally important for its reception.
11. Refine Emotional Vocabulary
Use tools like an emotions wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary, helping you to better understand and articulate your inner state, which is foundational for effective self-disclosure.
12. Address Mind-Reading Expectations
Recognize and challenge the implicit belief that others should just know how you feel, as this “mind-reading expectation” can undermine relationships by reducing curiosity and communication.
13. Experiment to Build Disclosure Skills
Treat revealing as a skill that improves with practice; experiment by going a little further than you think you should in various situations to develop a better feel for appropriate disclosure.
14. Share Feelings to Prevent Regrets
Share your feelings more often to avoid common life regrets, as studies show that a significant majority of regrets are about things not done, and “I wish I had shared my feelings more” is a top regret of the dying.
6 Key Quotes
The real danger is TLI, too little information.
Dan Harris
Trust, it's really the currency of social relationships.
Leslie John
Not saying something is a very active thing, right? We get annoyed, we ruminate, that's annoying, it's bad for our well-being.
Leslie John
A life of undersharing is a life of missed opportunities. It's a life of friendships that never blossom. It's a life of colleagues who never quite trust you. Romances that never spark. Relationships that fade apart instead of deepening.
Leslie John
What feels like over-communicating, it turns out is mostly just communicating.
Leslie John
80% of the time it was reciprocated, which I think we can take a lot of comfort in, right? Like I would have guessed, like my catastrophic thinker, I would have guessed it's way lower if I say I love you, right? That it would be reciprocated.
Leslie John
1 Protocols
Navigating Difficult Conversations or Giving Constructive Feedback
Leslie John- Spend the majority of the meeting listening to the other person's perspective to understand them better and allow them to feel heard.
- Start with a genuine positive statement or expression of appreciation, as this 'first slice' of the feedback sandwich is vitally important.
- Use 'I feel' statements to articulate your emotions, ensuring you are expressing actual feelings rather than cognitions or thoughts.
- Use 'I need' statements to clearly communicate your specific requirements, as others cannot read your mind and often have 'mind reading expectations'.