How to Set Boundaries | Nedra Glover Tawwab
Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist and bestselling author, discusses a comprehensive strategy for setting and maintaining boundaries, including three levels and six types, and how to respect others' boundaries, even when unclear.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Introduction to Boundaries and Nedra Tawwab's Expertise
Nedra's Personal Story and Journey with Boundaries
Defining Boundaries: Needs and Expectations
Three Levels of Boundaries: Porous, Rigid, and Healthy
Six Types of Boundaries: Intellectual, Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Material, Time
Setting Internal Boundaries for Personal Well-being
Summoning Courage to Set Boundaries with Others
Effective Communication Strategies for Boundary Setting
The Importance of Setting Boundaries Before Exhaustion
Leading with Positive Intention in Boundary Conversations
Dealing with Persistent Boundary Violators
Respecting and Intuiting Other People's Boundaries
Intersection of Boundaries, Diversity, and Cultural Bias
Boundaries and the Impact of Childhood Trauma
Overall Benefits of Healthy Boundaries for Relationships
5 Key Concepts
Boundaries
Boundaries are needs and expectations that make you feel safe and comfortable in your life and relationships. They can be verbal requests or behavioral actions, and everyone's boundaries are unique and important to respect.
Porous Boundaries
This level of boundaries means having virtually no boundaries, allowing everything to flow through. Individuals with porous boundaries often report feeling frustrated, burnt out, and overwhelmed because they struggle to say no or advocate for themselves.
Rigid Boundaries
Rigid boundaries are characterized by counter-dependency, where individuals believe they can handle everything alone and don't need help. This approach is unhealthy as it prevents community connection and involves applying overly strict rules to all situations and people.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries enable individuals to say yes and no appropriately, considering the specific person and situation. This flexibility means not every boundary is needed with everyone, allowing for intentional and adaptive relationship management.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries involve setting limits on one's availability and schedule, such as specific work hours or commitments. This type of boundary is crucial for preventing burnout, overwhelm, and frustration by intentionally managing how one allocates their time.
10 Questions Answered
Boundaries are needs and expectations that make you feel safe and comfortable in your life and relationships, manifesting as verbal requests or behaviors. They are personal and vary for everyone.
There are three levels: porous (no boundaries, leading to burnout), rigid (extreme self-reliance, isolating), and healthy (flexible yes/no, considering context).
Boundaries can be intellectual (differences in thought), sexual (parameters that should not be crossed), physical (personal space, touch), emotional (entitlement to feelings), material (possessions, money), and time (availability, schedule).
To set internal boundaries, be conscious of your values and structure your time to support them, such as allocating specific work hours to protect family or hobby time. This allows for flexibility while honoring personal priorities.
Most people respect boundaries, so don't predict negative reactions. Allow time for others to adjust to your new boundaries, as it's new for them too, and remember that not setting boundaries damages relationships.
Identify the problem and state the solution directly and calmly, without seeking perfect, non-offensive words. Setting boundaries before reaching a point of exhaustion or rage helps ensure the message is received effectively.
For "habitual line steppers," be prepared to restate the boundary clearly and simply, sometimes repeatedly, using direct language like "stop asking." For some, a short, firm statement is better than a lengthy explanation to avoid debate.
Practice accepting "no" without needing to like, agree with, or deeply understand the boundary. Pay attention to people's behavior, tone, body language, and hesitant "yes" responses as indicators of their preferences.
Marginalized groups, such as black women, often face stigmas (e.g., "angry black woman," "bossy," "diva") when asserting boundaries. These labels can disempower them and silence their assertive behavior.
Childhood trauma like neglect or abuse often results in non-existent or blurred boundaries, leading to challenges in understanding and setting personal limits. This can involve enmeshment, codependency, guilt, and a lack of understanding of age-appropriate behaviors.
25 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Healthy Boundaries
Strive for healthy boundaries by being able to appropriately say yes or no, considering the person and their abilities, and tailoring boundaries to specific relationships or situations to avoid burnout and isolation.
2. Develop Internal Boundaries
Develop boundaries with yourself by being conscious of your values (e.g., family time, hobby time) and structuring your schedule intentionally to support them, recognizing that boundaries are 90% internal.
3. Overcome Boundary Setting Fear
Overcome the fear of setting boundaries by recognizing that most people will respect them, avoiding predictions of negative reactions, and understanding that not having boundaries damages relationships.
4. State Boundaries Clearly
State your boundary directly and clearly by identifying the problem and presenting the solution (e.g., ‘I cannot take on any more projects right now’), using a calm and gentle tone to maximize reception.
5. Set Boundaries Early
Set boundaries before you reach a point of exhaustion or rage, as waiting too long can lead to aggressive communication that is less effective and damages relationships.
6. Lead with Positive Intention
When setting boundaries, especially in personal relationships, lead with a positive intention (e.g., ‘I care about this relationship, but I can’t do this’) to frame the message constructively and maintain connection.
7. Manage Persistent Requests
For ‘habitual line steppers’ or those unwilling to receive boundaries, keep the message short and simple, and be prepared to restate boundaries repeatedly using direct language like ‘please stop asking.’
8. Choose Your Discomfort
Recognize that you must choose your discomfort: either endure unwanted situations (e.g., uncomfortable lunches) or experience the discomfort of setting a clear boundary that protects your well-being.
9. Respect Others’ Boundaries
Practice hearing ’no’ and respect other people’s boundaries, even if you don’t like, agree with, or deeply understand them, to foster deeper and more authentic relationships.
10. Intuit Others’ Boundaries
Pay attention to non-verbal cues like hesitant ‘yeses,’ tone of voice, and body language to intuit others’ boundaries, and release them from obligations when you notice their discomfort.
11. Ask Clarifying Questions
Ask clarifying questions about boundaries (e.g., ‘Is that a universal no, or just for this time?’) to better understand and respect others’ needs in the future.
12. Challenge Boundary Stereotypes
Challenge stereotypes and biases (e.g., ‘angry black woman,’ ‘sassy,’ ‘diva’) that disempower marginalized groups from setting boundaries, and avoid using such terms in your vocabulary.
13. Understand Cultural Communication
In diverse environments, avoid personalizing every interaction; instead, strive to understand cultural differences in communication (e.g., tone of voice, eye contact) before attaching negative labels to behavior.
14. Address Trauma-Related Boundaries
If you have experienced childhood trauma, be aware that you may need deeper work to understand and set boundaries, addressing enmeshment, codependency, and guilt to reconstruct a healthy sense of self.
15. Seek Professional Therapy
Seek therapy to deal with the discomfort around setting boundaries and to affirm your needs as healthy, particularly if you struggle with guilt when others react negatively to your boundaries.
16. Recognize Different Boundaries
Recognize that everyone’s boundaries are different, and it’s important to wonder about and respect other people’s boundaries to ensure comfort and safety in relationships.
17. Avoid Porous Boundaries
Avoid having porous boundaries by learning to say no and speaking up for yourself to prevent frustration, burnout, and overwhelm that often result from people-pleasing.
18. Avoid Rigid Boundaries
Avoid rigid boundaries by being flexible and considering the person and their abilities, as overly strict rules can keep people from being in community with you.
19. Respect Intellectual Differences
Allow people to have different thoughts and preferences without getting upset, respecting intellectual boundaries by understanding that not everyone will share your opinions.
20. Communicate Physical Needs
Be aware of and communicate your need for physical space and comfort, and respect others’ physical boundaries, understanding that personal space requirements can vary.
21. Validate Emotions
Respect emotional boundaries by not telling people how they should feel, as emotions are valid and based on individual experiences, narratives, and upbringing.
22. Verbalize Material Expectations
Be conscious of what you do and don’t want to do with your possessions (e.g., car, money) and verbalize clear expectations to others on how they should treat your things.
23. Set Intentional Time Limits
Set clear time boundaries by deciding when to respond to messages, what activities to agree to, and how many things to put on your calendar to avoid burnout, overwhelm, and frustration.
24. Allow Adjustment Time
Allow people time to adjust when you set a new boundary, as it is new for them and may cause discomfort on both sides, but is necessary for healthier interactions.
25. Build Diverse Community
Build a diverse community of people so you don’t have to rely on the same individuals for every request, allowing you to respect individual preferences and ’no’s without feeling unsupported.
6 Key Quotes
Boundaries are needs and expectations that make you feel safe and comfortable in your life and in your relationships.
Nedra Tawwab
The easiest way to set a boundary is to think about what your problem is and what the solution is. And the boundary is telling the person the solution.
Nedra Tawwab
I can be angry and not speak in a way that shows, this is how mad I am at you right now.
Nedra Tawwab
When we're setting the boundary, it comes out like rage because we are tired. And so it's really important to set the boundary before you get to the point of yelling the boundary.
Nedra Tawwab
If setting a boundary ruined your relationship with someone, you saying to them, this is my boundary, that was like the big thing that brought the relationship down. What was the relationship based on? Was it a healthy situation for you?
Nedra Tawwab
We have to get to a stopping point.
Nedra Tawwab