Meditation And Loss, Dean Valoras
Dean Valoras, a father and meditator, shares his journey of coping with extreme grief after his daughter Alexandra's suicide in 2018. He discusses how meditation, self-compassion, and an open approach to life help him navigate this profound loss and emphasizes the need for mental resilience in young people.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Dean Valoras's Story: The Day He Lost Alexandra
Dean's Introduction to Meditation and Early Practice
Applying Mindfulness: Remembering to Wake Up
Alexandra's Early Engagement with Meditation and Life
The Immediate Aftermath of Alexandra's Death
Alexandra's Hidden Anguish Revealed in Journals
Fostering Mental Resilience and Inner Visibility in Youth
Dean's Coping Strategies: Meditation and Openness
Understanding Impermanence and the Half-Life of Emotions
Navigating Grief and the Importance of Vulnerability
Dean's Philosophy: Saying Yes and Breaking Comfort Zones
Suicide Prevention Resources and Recommended Language
6 Key Concepts
Mindfulness as Recollecting
One of the original translations of mindfulness is 'recollecting' or 'remembering.' This refers to the practice of remembering to 'wake up' and be present multiple times throughout the day, improving with consistent practice.
Multiple Truths
This concept describes the ability to experience conflicting emotions simultaneously, such as profound sadness and joy. It acknowledges that one can feel deep grief while also finding happiness in other moments, without guilt or invalidation of either emotion.
Mental Resilience (Inner Visibility)
Mental resilience, particularly in young people, involves the capacity to recognize that one's thoughts are not always reality and to observe one's own inner processes. This inner visibility allows an individual to identify when they are 'spinning' or need help, prompting them to reach out to trusted people.
Impermanence of Emotions
The impermanence of things means that all experiences, including intense emotions like grief or anger, are temporary and will eventually pass. Recognizing this can be a powerful tool for navigating difficult feelings, as leaning into them allows them to dissipate rather than holding onto them.
Half-Life of Emotions
The natural 'half-life' of an emotion, such as anger, is often very short, perhaps around two minutes. However, people frequently extend these emotions by voluntarily 're-upping' them through dwelling on negative thoughts, thereby prolonging their impact from minutes to hours or even a lifetime.
Recommended Language for Suicide
It is best to use phrases like 'death by suicide' or 'someone died by suicide' instead of 'committing suicide.' The term 'committing' carries a sinful stigma that can deter individuals from seeking help for suicidal thoughts.
8 Questions Answered
Dean started meditating around 2015 after discovering Dan Harris's book '10% Happier' on Audible, which led him to use the Headspace app and later Sam Harris's 'Waking Up' book and app.
Externally, Alexandra was a brilliant, highly motivated high school student aiming for MIT, appearing happy and successful, but her secret journals revealed deep self-loathing, with entries like 'You are worthless. You are a burden.'
He advises fostering mental resilience and inner visibility in children, suggesting that early meditation or similar practices could help kids recognize when their minds are spinning and they need to seek help from trusted individuals.
He committed to staying open and trying new things, including daily guided meditation, practicing gratitude, using positive mantras, writing in a blog, and actively connecting with people and community.
By recognizing the impermanence of feelings and understanding that emotions, even intense ones, have a half-life and will pass if not voluntarily re-upped by dwelling on them, allowing the emotion to come but not to hold onto it.
His philosophy is to embrace vulnerability, lean into fears, say 'yes' to new experiences, and actively break out of comfort zones, rather than retreating into a shell or anesthetizing oneself.
No, contrary to popular belief, asking an at-risk individual directly, 'Are you thinking about suicide?', does not increase their likelihood of attempting suicide; instead, open and non-judgmental communication may decrease suicidal ideation.
Dan Harris suggests that if it's easier to generate awareness or feelings (like 'meta' or friendliness) in one's native tongue, then it's beneficial to do so, as the power lies in the internal mental process rather than the specific language used.
40 Actionable Insights
1. Promote Childhood Mindfulness
Advocate for childhood meditation or early mindfulness training to build inner mental resilience and self-awareness, enabling young people to recognize and vocalize when they need help.
2. Teach “Not Your Thoughts”
Begin building mental resilience by understanding and teaching the core concept that “you are not your thoughts,” which creates space for observation and forms a foundation for other coping mechanisms.
3. Recognize Mind’s Spin, Seek Help
Cultivate the ability to observe when your thoughts are overwhelming or negative, and if you feel yourself “spinning,” make it a point to confide in three close, trusted people for support.
4. Use Compassionate Suicide Language
Adopt the phrases “death by suicide” or “died by suicide” instead of “committing suicide” to remove harmful stigma, which can encourage individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts to seek necessary help.
5. Directly Ask About Suicide
If you are concerned about someone, directly ask “Are you thinking about suicide?” and listen with compassion, as this open, non-judgmental approach can reduce suicidal ideation.
6. Ensure Safety for At-Risk Individuals
To keep an at-risk person safe, inquire about their suicidal thoughts or plans, help reduce access to lethal items like firearms, and transport them to the ER if they are in immediate danger.
7. Be Present, Offer Support
Offer consistent support to someone at risk by being physically present, communicating via phone, or finding other ways to show you care, providing connection without over-committing.
8. Connect to Professional Support
Facilitate access to professional help for at-risk individuals by providing the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255), connecting them to community support, or helping them create a safety plan.
9. Follow Up for Ongoing Support
Maintain connection and provide continuous support to at-risk individuals by following up with them after initial conversations, whether in person, by phone, or via text.
10. Allow Grief, Release Attachment
When experiencing intense emotions like grief, permit them to wash over you fully, but consciously avoid clinging to them, recognizing their impermanent nature.
11. Process Intense Grief Actively
When overwhelmed by grief triggers, allow yourself to fully experience the emotion, and then actively process it by writing down your exact feelings, rather than suppressing or prolonging it.
12. Use STOP for Emotional Regulation
In moments of intense emotion, practice the STOP method: Stop what you’re doing, Take a deep breath, Observe your physical and emotional state, and then Proceed with greater calm and awareness.
13. Avoid Stirring Negative Emotions
Recognize when you are voluntarily prolonging negative emotions by replaying or dwelling on upsetting events, and consciously choose to refrain from “stirring the pot” to allow them to pass naturally.
14. Navigate Slippery Slope of Sadness
Develop the practice of recognizing when you’re on a “slippery slope of sadness” and consciously choose to step back from dwelling in an unproductive “ugly place,” while still giving yourself permission to feel emotions.
15. Embrace Vulnerability, Lean into Fears
Consciously choose to be vulnerable by saying “yes” to novel experiences and “leaning into your fears,” allowing stress and anxiety to surface as you discover your innate capacity to manage them.
16. Stay Open, Try New Things
In the face of profound loss or adversity, resist the urge to withdraw and instead make a deliberate effort to remain open to new experiences and opportunities.
17. Cultivate Real-World Social Networks
Prioritize building and maintaining genuine social connections and community, even if it goes against your natural inclination, by regularly engaging in social activities and accepting invitations that foster connection.
18. Share Your Personal Story
Understand that everyone carries their own struggles, and by sharing your personal story, you can create deeper connections and foster empathy with others.
19. Overcome Fear of Judgment
Challenge your inner critic and fear of looking foolish by actively participating in new activities, like playing basketball with your child, prioritizing the experience over concerns about external judgment.
20. Challenge Comfort, Lean into New
Combat the natural tendency to become complacent with age by actively seeking out and “leaning into” experiences you wouldn’t typically try, thereby challenging your comfort zone.
21. Diversify News, Engage Opposing Views
Make a conscious effort to consume news from a wide range of sources and actively seek out conversations with individuals whose opinions differ from your own to expand your understanding.
22. Commit to Daily Meditation
Dedicate at least 15 minutes each day to meditation, even when your mind is busy, as this consistent practice can be profoundly helpful for mental well-being.
23. Use Guided Meditation Daily
Incorporate daily guided meditations, like those found on the “10% Happier” app, to address specific mental states such as anxiety, stress, or performance-related worries.
24. Practice Gratitude Meditation
Dedicate 15-20 minutes daily to gratitude meditation, actively cultivating and feeling gratitude, which can serve as a powerful form of mental conditioning.
25. Use Self-Affirming Mantras
Regularly repeat positive mantras such as “I am worthy,” “I am enough,” and “I am loved” to build self-compassion and counteract negative self-talk.
26. Start Day with Mindful Pause
Dedicate time at the start of each day to pause, check in with your mental state, and set an intention to remain present and progress through the day’s tasks.
27. Practice Hourly Recollection
Throughout your day, pause every hour or so to ask yourself “where are you right now?” and consciously bring your attention to the present moment, taking a breath to ground yourself.
28. Don’t Get Wrapped in Thoughts
Cultivate a daily mindset where you consciously avoid getting overly entangled in your thoughts, allowing you to navigate challenges with greater ease and less stress.
29. Integrate Breathing into Meetings
Start daily work meetings or stressful team activities with a brief collective pause for three deep breaths to promote calmness, focus, and a sense of shared purpose.
30. Experiment with Meditation Resources
Consider trying meditation apps or books, like “10% Happier” or “Headspace,” as a small investment that could lead to significant personal improvement and happiness.
31. Visualize Thoughts as Passing Cars
When meditating, visualize your thoughts as cars passing by, allowing them to go without attachment, which can help simplify the practice of mindfulness.
32. Re-read Profound Books
Engage with complex or profound books multiple times, as each re-reading can reveal new layers of understanding and insight that may have been missed previously.
33. Question Societal Norms
Challenge conventional practices, like using pesticides for a perfect lawn, and instead appreciate natural elements like dandelions, fostering a simpler and more questioning approach to life.
34. Plan a Meditation Retreat
Consider scheduling a longer meditation retreat, such as a 10-day one, as a future goal, even if it initially feels intimidating, to deepen your practice.
35. Process Grief Through Writing
Use writing, such as journaling or blogging, as a method to process intense emotions and grief, allowing yourself to express vulnerabilities and share your story if it feels appropriate.
36. Share Story on Social Media
Leverage social media platforms with the specific intention of sharing your personal story to connect with others facing similar challenges, fostering a sense of community and mutual support.
37. Aim for Marginal Improvement
When working on emotional regulation, focus on achieving small, incremental improvements over time rather than striving for unattainable perfection, as any progress is a success.
38. Meditate in Native Language
If you are a non-native English speaker, consider translating meditation phrases or concepts into your native language during practice, as it may enhance your ability to generate awareness and feelings.
39. Use Foreign Terms for Noticing
Incorporate specific foreign language terms, such as “propancha” from Pali, as mental notes to quickly identify and disengage from unhelpful thought patterns like negative future fantasizing.
40. Release Desire for Control
Recognize that excessive desire, especially for clarity or control, can hinder progress in meditation and life; instead, allow for variables and let go of rigid expectations.
7 Key Quotes
I lost my daughter right here. She's gone. I can tell she's gone.
Dean Valoras
A parent who's lost a child has a new organ whose only job is to secrete sadness.
Dan Harris
This is not the Alexandra. This is not Alex. This is not my sister. I'm not understanding who I'm reading here.
Emily Valoras (recounted by Dean Valoras)
You are worthless. You are a burden.
Alexandra Valoras (from her journal, recounted by Dean Valoras)
I am worthy. I am enough. I am loved.
Dean Valoras
The half-life of anger or of any emotion is like two minutes, right? So, but the problem is we re-up it voluntarily.
Dan Harris
Do things, keep breaking out, keep testing the edges.
Dean Valoras
2 Protocols
Five Steps to Help Prevent Suicide (for at-risk individuals)
Grace Livingston (read by Dan Harris)- Ask: Directly ask, 'Are you thinking about suicide?' and listen compassionately to their response.
- Keep them safe: Ask about their thoughts or plans, take steps to reduce access to lethal means (e.g., firearms), and if in immediate danger, drive them to the ER.
- Be there: Be physically present, talk on the phone, or find another way to show support, being careful not to overcommit.
- Help them connect: Ensure they have access to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or other community support systems, and help set up a safety plan (e.g., using the My3 app).
- Follow up: Maintain connection and ongoing support through in-person contact, phone calls, or texts after the initial conversation.
S.T.O.P. Practice for Managing Acute Frustration
Dan Harris (attributing Diana Winston)- S - Stop: Pause for a second in the moment of frustration.
- T - Take a breath: Engage in deep breathing to promote a sense of calm.
- O - Observe: Notice what's happening internally (e.g., heart racing, stomach churning, irritation, anger) and name the emotions.
- P - Proceed: Continue with a bit more calm and awareness, rather than being blindly reactive.