The Dharma of Work | Matthew Hepburn
Dan Harris and meditation teacher Matthew Hepburn discuss navigating work challenges like overwhelm, feedback, and power dynamics. Hepburn shares strategies from his Buddhist practice, emphasizing how to bring mindfulness and self-awareness into the workplace to foster well-being.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to the Concept of 'Don't Side With Yourself'
Matthew Hepburn's Personal Experience with Overwhelm at Work
Understanding Overwhelm as a Mind-Created World
Interrogating Thoughts and Seeking Support for Overwhelm
Viewing Asking for Help as an Act of Generosity
Combating Overwhelm by Taking Things One Moment at a Time
Strategies for Giving and Receiving Feedback at Work
Navigating Feedback in Relationships with Power Differentials
The Buddhist Concept of Praise and Blame
Bringing Mindfulness Practices into the Workplace
Using Everyday Actions Like Drinking Coffee for Mindfulness
Exploring the Corporate Value: Don't Side With Yourself
Exploring the Corporate Value: Own Your Crap
Personal Story of Owning Weaknesses in a Professional Setting
5 Key Concepts
Overwhelm as a Mind-Constructed World
Overwhelm is often a 'palace constructed of thought,' fueled by feeding thoughts that sow panic and fear, rather than an objective reality. Recognizing that thoughts are just perspectives allows one to choose whether to believe them and escape this mental 'dungeon'.
Asking for Help as Generosity
In the Buddhist tradition, giving freely is a foundational value that frees the mind and feels good. When someone offers help and it's graciously accepted, it provides them with an opportunity to express generosity, which is beneficial for their well-being.
Praise and Blame (Buddhist Concept)
Praise and blame are two of eight 'worldly winds' or polar experiences (including gain/loss, pleasure/pain, fame/disrepute) that are inevitable and transient. Obsessing over craving praise or fearing blame can derail focus, creativity, and the ultimate quality of one's work.
Don't Side With Yourself
This value encourages openness and flexibility, even when holding strong opinions, rather than hunkering down combatively. It stems from the Buddhist teaching of not being attached to views and opinions, recognizing that such attachment leads to suffering.
Own Your Crap
This refers to having an undefended self-awareness of one's blemishes, struggles, or areas for growth. Leading with this vulnerability can disarm others, change the tenor of conversations, and open up dialogue in professional relationships, fostering trust.
7 Questions Answered
Overwhelm often stems from mind-created thoughts that sow panic and fear, such as collapsing multiple days of work into one moment. To combat this, one can interrogate painful thoughts by asking 'what else is true?' and focus on taking things one moment at a time.
When someone genuinely wants to help, and their offer is graciously accepted, it feels good to them. By accepting help, you provide others with the opportunity to experience the positive feeling of being generous.
It's crucial to center the relationship first, ensuring both parties know they have each other's backs. Checking in about timing, place, and preferred feedback style also empowers the recipient and levels the power dynamic.
It's tricky and requires thoughtfulness and care, as employment can be at stake. The ideal is to build a relationship of trust over time where honest and direct feedback can be safely given, always centering the mutual commitment to supporting each other as professionals.
Praise and blame are seen as two of eight 'worldly winds' or polar experiences (like gain/loss, pleasure/pain) that are inevitable and transient. Obsessing over craving praise or fearing blame can derail focus and creativity, undermining the quality of work.
Any part of life, including work, can become a meditation practice. By paying attention to subtle moments, like noticing when you reach for a coffee cup to soothe yourself, you become more attuned to your well-being and can respond creatively and responsively to challenges.
Owning your crap means having an undefended self-awareness of your weaknesses, struggles, or areas where you are still learning. This vulnerability can disarm others, open up dialogue, and build trust in professional relationships.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Don’t Side With Yourself
When facing contentious issues, especially at work, actively try to see the situation from somebody else’s perspective instead of automatically defending your own view, as this can prevent ego-driven conflicts.
2. Interrogate Overwhelming Thoughts
Recognize that overwhelming thoughts are often just “fabrications of the mind” or “perspectives” rather than universal truths; question them and choose not to believe in or feed them to reduce misery.
3. Own Your Weaknesses
Cultivate undefended self-awareness of your blemishes, struggles, or areas for growth, and be willing to name them, as this can disarm others and open up dialogue in relationships.
4. Reaffirm Relationship Before Feedback
When delivering difficult feedback, explicitly state your positive intention and reaffirm the importance of the working relationship, ensuring the other person feels supported and that you “got each other’s backs” foundationally.
5. Focus on the Present Moment
Avoid feeling overwhelmed by not collapsing multiple days of work into a single moment; instead, take each moment as it comes, focusing only on what needs to be done in the next few minutes.
6. Integrate Mindfulness into Work
Actively turn aspects of your work life into a meditation practice by integrating mindfulness into ordinary activities, as work is a high-potential area to invest in for well-being.
7. Build Trust for Upward Feedback
To give honest feedback to those in positions of power, focus on building a relationship over time where there is enough mutual trust and commitment to supporting each other as professionals.
8. Detachment from Praise and Blame
View praise and blame as transient “weather patterns” that come and go, rather than defining your self-worth or the quality of your work based on them, to avoid derailing focus and creativity.
9. Seek Help from Colleagues
When overwhelmed, take on perspectives that incline you towards tapping into the trusting relationships you’ve built with colleagues to ask for help or grace, as sharing a burden can make it feel smaller.
10. Accept Help Graciously
When offered help, accept it graciously, as it provides others with an opportunity to express generosity, which feels good to them and should not be obstructed.
11. Ask “What Else Is True?”
If a thought causes stress or pain, use it as an alarm bell and ask yourself “what else is true?” to find alternative, equally valid perspectives that can change your attitude and approach.
12. Lead with Vulnerability
When approaching a discussion, especially one where you are advocating for yourself or a different path, lead by vulnerably acknowledging your biggest weak points or struggles, as this can change the tenor of the conversation and foster better listening.
13. Check How & When for Feedback
Before delivering critical feedback, check in with the person by asking “is this a good time?” and “what’s the way that you want this feedback?” to give them agency and improve reception.
14. Lean on Trust & Skills
When feeling overwhelmed, relax back into trusted work relationships and rely on your developed skill sets and aptitudes, staying willing to learn and humble, doing your best moment by moment.
15. Separate Planning from Doing
Do your planning when necessary to organize tasks and breaks, but once planning is complete, shift your focus to taking each moment as it comes, recognizing that trying to mentally tackle all future tasks at once fuels overwhelm.
16. Attune to Subtle Well-being Shifts
Pay attention to subtle cues, such as reaching for a coffee cup, to notice how small moments of stress or tension trigger soothing behaviors, allowing you to become attuned to subtle fluctuations in your well-being and respond creatively.
17. Assess Workplace Honesty Safety
If you consistently feel unable to be honest and authentic in your work relationships, evaluate whether staying in that role or workplace is conducive to your overall well-being.
18. Focus on Impact, Not Fear of Blame
Care about whether your actions and work are helpful and beneficial to others, but distinguish this from cowering from potential blame or craving praise, which can undermine the quality of your work.
19. Apply Mindfulness at Work
View work as a testing ground for meditation and self-improvement, consciously bringing practices like mindfulness, patience, and kindness into the workplace, as it is a rich area for growth.
5 Key Quotes
Don't side with yourself.
Joseph Goldstein (via Dan Harris)
Overwhelm is usually a palace constructed of thought.
Matthew Hepburn
May I never obstruct another person's generosity?
Matthew Hepburn
The moment that we have a strong opinion, we hunker down, dig our heels in and say, I've got to advocate for this opinion against, you know, all comers.
Matthew Hepburn
It's not personal, ultimately. It doesn't make me a bad person. But it's an area that I struggled at work.
Matthew Hepburn
3 Protocols
Dealing with Overwhelm
Matthew Hepburn- Recognize that a thought is just a fabrication of the mind, a perspective you can choose to believe or not.
- Notice how painful a thought is; if it's stressful, use it as an alarm bell for mindfulness.
- Ask yourself, 'What else is true?' until you find other perspectives that change your attitude.
- Incline towards tapping into relationships with others for help or grace.
- Once planning is done, take each moment as it comes, focusing only on the next five minutes rather than days of tasks.
Giving Difficult Feedback
Dan Harris, Matthew Hepburn- Think about and express your positive intention (e.g., caring about the relationship, not wanting to stew).
- Reaffirm and establish the relationship, communicating your commitment to the other person's overall well-being and the project.
- Check in with the person about the timing, place, and preferred way they want to receive feedback to give them agency.
- Speak freely and honestly, even if it leads to disagreement, knowing that mutual trust will help find a solution.
Turning Work into Meditation Practice
Matthew Hepburn- Bring a glass of water or cup of coffee into a potentially stressful work situation.
- Notice every time you reach for it and what's happening in that moment.
- Observe if you reach for it to soothe subtle challenges (e.g., after speaking up, during tension).
- Use this awareness to tune into subtle fluctuations in your well-being.
- Respond creatively and responsively to these subtle cues (e.g., take a deep breath, drop shoulders, reassure yourself).