A conversation with a narcissist (with Jacob Skidmore)
Spencer Greenberg speaks with Jacob Skidmore, "the nameless narcissist," about his life with narcissistic personality disorder, differentiating it from psychopathy and sociopathy, and discussing the internal experience, challenges, and societal perceptions of NPD.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Jacob Skidmore's Personal Diagnosis Journey
The Core Components of Narcissistic Personality
Distinguishing Narcissism from Psychopathy and Sociopathy
The Interplay of Grandiosity and Vulnerability in Narcissism
Narcissistic Reactions to Criticism and Compliments
Understanding Narcissistic Entitlement and Loyalty
Narcissism's Role in Cult Leadership Dynamics
Narcissists' Awareness of Their Own Condition
Critique of Social Media Narratives on Narcissism
Navigating Relationships with Narcissistic Individuals
Integrating Narcissists Productively into Society
Guidance for Individuals Suspecting Narcissistic Traits
7 Key Concepts
Narcissistic Extension
This term describes when parents project their own desires and self-esteem needs onto their children, using them vicariously to achieve gratification. Children in such situations are often only appreciated for their achievements, rather than for who they are as a person.
Contingent Self-Esteem
This refers to a narcissist's self-esteem being heavily reliant on the appraisal of others. They depend on external validation to understand their own identity and to feel good about themselves, making them hypervigilant to others' opinions.
Shared Grandiosity
This is a dynamic where a narcissist elevates the status of people in their inner circle, making them feel special and amazing. This serves to boost the narcissist's own self-esteem by association, fostering an 'us against the world' mentality where 'we' are the best.
Imposter Syndrome (in NPD)
A common experience for narcissists where they feel fake or that positive assessments of their character are untrue. This can lead to distrust of compliments, a sense of being misunderstood, and a feeling that others don't truly know them.
Hierarchical Thinking (in NPD)
Narcissists often interpret social interactions through a lens of power dynamics, viewing situations as potential power plays or attempts to disrespect them. This can lead to overreactions and vindictive behavior, even in response to subtle or unintentional slights.
Grandiose Narcissism
One presentation of narcissism characterized by overt arrogance, domineering behavior, extroversion, and a very high opinion of oneself. This state is typically exhibited when the narcissist is receiving the desired external validation and admiration.
Vulnerable Narcissism
Another presentation of narcissism, often seen when the narcissist is not receiving desired external validation. It is characterized by introversion, defensiveness, extreme sensitivity to criticism, paranoia, and a tendency to withdraw or lash out.
10 Questions Answered
Narcissists primarily want to feel good about themselves and superior to others, often struggling with self-love and relying on external admiration to regulate their self-esteem.
While all may exhibit grandiosity, narcissists are primarily driven by the need for self-esteem regulation and can be more anxious, whereas psychopaths/sociopaths are often driven by material gain and typically experience very low fear.
Narcissists are both incredibly insecure and incredibly confident, often fluctuating between grandiose displays when receiving desired reactions and vulnerable, introverted states when not.
Compliments about their character can feel untrue to a narcissist due to a deep sense of self-hatred and imposter syndrome, leading them to feel mocked, patronized, or that the complimenter doesn't truly know them.
Many narcissists are aware of their narcissistic traits, often viewing them as positive attributes that make them superior, rather than as a mental disorder requiring help.
Narcissists primarily hurt people not out of malice, but due to an inability to understand others' intentions and feelings, being caught up in their own world, and sometimes retaliating against perceived slights or power plays.
Narcissists often struggle to feel genuine love or connection, experiencing a longing or desire to be closer to others rather than a warm, caring, joyous feeling, and their emotional responses can be fleeting.
The advice to go 'no contact' is often given without nuance; while appropriate in abusive situations, it oversimplifies complex human relationships and may not be the only or best option for every situation.
It is crucial to set clear, firm boundaries and enforce them 100% of the time, without pushing or backtracking, and to understand the narcissist for who they are without expecting them to change.
They should assess how their traits impact themselves and others without moral judgment, consider taking the Pathological Narcissism Inventory, seek a therapist specializing in personality disorders, and avoid social media content that promotes shame.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Seek Specialized NPD Therapy
Engage in therapy if you have NPD, as it is a disorder that will negatively impact your life without intervention. Be upfront with potential therapists about your diagnosis or suspicion to ensure they are comfortable and capable of providing appropriate treatment.
2. Use Misery as NPD Motivation
If you have NPD and your life feels miserable or self-sabotaging, use this realization as a primary motivator to engage in therapy and seek change.
3. Self-Reflect in Therapy
Use therapy as a safe space to self-reflect on your behaviors, understand their motivations, and explore fears and anxieties, which can help you take healthy risks in personal relationships.
4. Understand Narcissistic Harm (Not Malice)
When a narcissist hurts you, understand that it’s often due to their inability to understand others’ intentions, misinterpretation, or being caught up in their own world, rather than intentional malice. This understanding can prevent taking it personally.
5. Set & Enforce Boundaries
To maintain a relationship with a narcissist, avoid making your life revolve around them, and establish and consistently enforce firm boundaries without backtracking.
6. Don’t Expect Narcissists to Change
When interacting with a narcissist, understand their true nature and motivations without expecting them to fundamentally change, which allows you to make an informed decision about whether to keep them in your life.
7. Avoid Blanket “No Contact” Advice
When dealing with a narcissistic or toxic person, avoid the blanket “no contact” advice unless you are being abused; instead, assess your unique situation, take the person for who they are without expecting change, and decide what you are willing to tolerate.
8. Be Open with Your Therapist
Be open and honest with your therapist for effective treatment, as lying can delay progress and hinder self-understanding.
9. Assess NPD as Mental Health
If you suspect you are a narcissist, avoid framing it as a moral judgment (“Am I a bad person?”) and instead assess how the pathology impacts your life and relationships from a mental health perspective.
10. Resources for Suspected NPD
If you suspect or are diagnosed with NPD, read “Unmasking Narcissism” by Mark Edinson, engage with NPD forums (e.g., Reddit), avoid general social media content on narcissism to prevent shame, and confide in at least one trusted person.
11. Identify Potential NPD with PNI
To get an indication of whether you might be narcissistic, take the free online Pathological Narcissism Inventory (PNI), which measures both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.
12. Recognize Narcissist’s Manipulability
Recognize that narcissists, despite their perceived mastery of manipulation, are often easily manipulated themselves due to their grandiosity and predictable needs for admiration.
13. Understand Narcissistic Compliments
Be aware that compliments from a narcissist might be a tactic to fish for reciprocal compliments or to reinforce shared grandiosity, rather than genuine altruism.
14. Manage Online Criticism
When receiving online criticism, remind yourself that comments might be projections from others’ experiences (e.g., ex-partners, parents) rather than accurate assessments of you, or reframe insults as envy to protect self-esteem.
15. Communicate Boundaries for Rants
When a narcissist is prone to grandiose rants, establish a boundary requiring them to check if you’re in a receptive space beforehand, and if they push it, disengage until they calm down, then re-engage without completely cutting them off.
16. Avoid Relationships if Bad at Boundaries
If you are bad at asserting boundaries, be cautious about close relationships with narcissists, as you are at high risk of them dominating your life and thoughts.
17. Foster Forgiveness in Pathological Relationships
In relationships where both partners have pathologies, acknowledging shared issues can foster forgiveness and allow moving on from arguments.
18. Give Value-Aligned Feedback
To positively impact people who value making a difference, provide feedback on how their actions helped your life, rather than just compliments, as this aligns with their core values.
19. NPD Career Path for Short-Term Connections
If you are a narcissist, consider careers involving short-term interpersonal relationships, such as sales, where making strong first impressions is key and long-term scrutiny is minimized.
8 Key Quotes
I always say there's no self-love. It's just grandiosity. It's just superiority.
Jacob Skidmore
Do you know how other people know who they are if they're not being told? And oh my God, I never related something more.
Jacob Skidmore
Narcissists don't mask. We are the mask. I am a mask.
Jacob Skidmore
I always say narcissists are primarily driven by the need to feel superior in their self-esteem, but psychopaths slash sociopaths are more driven by material gain.
Jacob Skidmore
I'm incredibly insecure, but also incredibly confident.
Jacob Skidmore
Criticism, separating criticism from negative assessment almost doesn't make sense to me.
Jacob Skidmore
If I'm not completely getting rid of it, then I don't want to get rid of any of it.
Jacob Skidmore
It's like your mood changed just because somebody else's did, like transmission of emotion. Yeah, it's wild.
Spencer Greenberg
2 Protocols
Dealing with a Narcissist in Your Life (if you choose to maintain the relationship)
Jacob Skidmore- Do not make your entire life revolve around the narcissist.
- Set clear boundaries.
- Enforce boundaries 100% of the time without pushing or backtracking.
- Understand the narcissist's motivating factors without expecting them to change.
- Strive for mutual understanding, as this can lead to a healthier relationship dynamic.
Steps for Someone Suspecting They Are a Narcissist
Jacob Skidmore- Assess how your traits impact you and others, focusing on mental health rather than moral judgment.
- Consider taking the Pathological Narcissism Inventory (a free online version is available) as an indication.
- Stay away from most social media content about narcissists to avoid reinforcing shame.
- Find a good therapist who specializes in personality disorders, as general therapists may not be equipped to help.
- Identify at least one person you can talk to openly about your diagnosis in a healthy way.