Chinese Culture and Love Addiction (with Ava King)
Spencer Greenberg interviews Ava King about her experiences as a TV personality in China, her views on plastic surgery, navigating love addiction and recovery through a 12-step program, and her journey as an artist.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Ava King's Journey to China and Early Career
Cultural Differences: China vs. US/France
Social Dynamics and Business in China
Craziest Experiences as a TV Personality in China
Plastic Surgery and Beauty Standards in China
Personal Views on Plastic Surgery and Self-Confidence
Understanding Love Addiction and Its Impact
Ava's Experience with a 12-Step Program for Love Addiction
The Nature of Addiction and Rewiring the Brain
Addressing Concerns About 12-Step Programs
The Artist's Path and Pursuit of Music
Luck, Skill, and Self-Esteem in an Artistic Career
Overcoming Fear of Failure in Creative Pursuits
Filming a Dangerous Music Video
Finding Fulfillment Beyond External Success
7 Key Concepts
Hou Hei Xue (Deep, Dark Learning)
A book Ava read in China about how to curry social status. It details the complex social code in China, offering guidance on navigating difficult social situations while maintaining appearances and respect.
Love Addiction
A form of addiction where an individual is addicted to the feeling of falling in love, specifically the 'honeymoon phase' or limerence. It's often used as an escape from underlying feelings of low self-esteem or inadequacy, similar to substance addiction.
Limerence
The intense feeling experienced when first falling in love, characterized by constant thoughts, obsession, and elation. For a love addict, this 'honeymoon phase' is the primary focus of relationships, leading to disinterest once it fades.
Fantasy Addiction
A predisposition of the brain to create and get lost in fantasies about other people, often very early in a relationship. This serves as a dopamine hit to avoid dealing with underlying negative emotions like sadness or tiredness, preventing genuine connection.
Unmanageable (in Addiction)
A key characteristic of addiction, referring to a situation where the highs and lows of the addictive behavior become so extreme that they disrupt daily functioning and take over one's life. It signifies a loss of control over one's emotions and actions related to the addiction.
Addict Mentality
A deeply ingrained way of thinking and brain wiring, often developed early in life, that leads individuals to seek external 'hits' (substances, love, success) to escape feelings of shame, inadequacy, or fear. Overcoming it requires a complete rewiring of the brain.
Attraction, Not Promotion
A tenant of 12-step programs, stating that membership should grow organically through people being drawn to the program's benefits, rather than through aggressive marketing or promotion. This emphasizes the personal journey and shared experience.
6 Questions Answered
Chinese culture, similar to French culture, emphasizes strong friendships and work-related drinking. A key difference from American culture is the lack of a reliable legal system, making personal contacts and social activities like drinking and karaoke crucial for building trust and conducting business.
Plastic surgery in China is common and often influenced by white supremacy, with women seeking to enlarge eyes, elevate nose bridges, and achieve more almond-shaped faces by sawing down jawbones. This is driven by a desire to align with perceived Western beauty ideals.
Love addiction is an addiction to the intense feeling of falling in love (limerence), particularly the 'honeymoon phase.' Love addicts typically enter relationships very quickly, often falling for an idealized fantasy of the person, and then leave once the initial high fades and the reality of the relationship sets in.
12-step programs acknowledge that many participants do not believe in a traditional God. For these individuals, the 'higher power' can be interpreted as anything bigger than themselves, even something as simple as a doorknob, to foster trust and a sense that things will be okay, especially for those with deep-seated anxiety or suicidal thoughts.
The 'addict for life' concept is meant to maintain constant awareness that the addict brain, being deeply ingrained, can always resurface. While some programs (like sex and love addiction) require learning to 'use responsibly,' this mindset encourages continuous practice of coping tools and caution against complacency.
Low self-esteem can create extreme anxiety around releasing music or even social media posts, as the artist attaches their self-worth to external validation like 'likes' or song listens. This fear of failure can prevent them from fully committing and giving their all to their craft, leading to self-sabotage or holding back.
22 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Intrinsic Happiness
Strive to find happiness and fulfillment internally, independent of external factors like success, relationships, or social validation, simply by being yourself.
2. Detach Self-Esteem from Outcomes
Separate your self-worth from external achievements or validation, such as artistic success or social media engagement, to reduce anxiety and fear of failure.
3. Address Root Feelings of Addiction
Recognize that the core of addiction lies in underlying feelings of shame, inadequacy, or discomfort experienced when the addictive substance or behavior is absent, and focus on addressing these deeper emotional issues.
4. Address Root Causes of Insecurity
Before pursuing external changes like plastic surgery, reflect on whether your unhappiness stems from internal self-esteem issues, as external alterations may only shift rather than resolve underlying insecurities.
5. Overcome Fear to Give Your All
Work to conquer the fear of failure, as it can prevent you from fully committing and giving your absolute best to your endeavors due to the perceived deeper rejection if you fail after maximum effort.
6. Leverage Art for Personal Growth
Utilize the artistic path as a powerful means for personal development, especially in building self-confidence and authentic self-expression, by creating work that genuinely reflects who you are.
7. Embrace Intrinsic Artistic Drive
If you feel an undeniable, persistent urge to create, acknowledge this as an intrinsic calling rather than merely a choice, and pursue your artistic path as a fundamental aspect of your being.
8. Commit to the Act of Creation
Define your artistic commitment by the pure act of creating, rather than by external measures of success, focusing on being an artist regardless of fame or financial outcomes.
9. Show Authentic Self in Art
Strive for authenticity in your public artistic presence by being comfortable showing your true self, rather than tailoring your image to seek approval, allowing people to accept or reject you based on who you genuinely are.
10. Maintain Lifelong Addiction Awareness
Cultivate a lifelong awareness of your addictive tendencies, even if you are ‘using responsibly’ or in recovery, because the addict brain is deeply ingrained and can always resurface.
11. Seek Unconditional Support in Recovery
If you are struggling with addiction and experience a slip, attend a 12-step meeting and be honest about what happened, as the community offers unconditional support and welcomes you back without judgment.
12. Find a Symbol of Trust
If you don’t believe in a traditional higher power, find something, even a simple object like a doorknob, to trust in as a symbol that things will be okay, especially during moments of anxiety or despair.
13. Identify Unmanageable Emotions
To determine if intense emotional responses to relationships constitute an addiction, assess if these feelings make your life unmanageable, prevent you from functioning, or cause extreme highs and lows that take over your life.
14. Self-Assess for Love Addiction
If you suspect you might be a love addict, consider answering the 40 self-assessment questions provided by the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLA) program; answering yes to more than 12 suggests you may have a problem and could benefit from the program.
15. Use Plastic Surgery for Confidence
Consider plastic surgery if it genuinely helps you feel more confident and improves your self-perception, as it can be a valid tool for personal well-being.
16. Appreciate Chosen Beauty
When complimenting someone’s appearance who has had plastic surgery, acknowledge and appreciate the effort and choice involved, as it reflects their intentional decision and investment.
17. Deliver Difficult News Indirectly
When delivering an unfavorable message from a superior in China, frame it to make the superior appear benevolent and caring, rather than direct or stingy, to maintain social harmony and achieve the desired outcome.
18. Navigate Age-Guessing in China
When asked to guess someone’s age in China, guess approximately 10 years younger than they appear, then pivot the conversation to compliment their methods for maintaining youth.
19. Facilitate Fun at Chinese Karaoke
When at Chinese karaoke or social events, focus on ensuring others have a good time and encouraging them to sing, rather than showcasing your own vocal talent, especially if you are an invited entertainer.
20. Integrate Work and Social Life in China
Participate in company social activities like dinners and karaoke in China to be seen as a good employee, as work and personal life divisions are less distinct in that culture.
21. Show Respect Through Drinking
In China, show respect or seek favors from a higher-status individual by drinking more than them at a dinner table, often by offering to drink two for every one of theirs.
22. Build Business Trust in China
To build trust in Chinese business relationships, engage in social drinking with partners, as getting drunk together is often seen as a way to reveal true character and solidify connections.
5 Key Quotes
I don't understand why people compliment people on their beauty. And they, they place such emphasis on complimenting people on their natural beauty when their natural beauty has nothing to do with them. It's just basically they won a genetic lottery.
Ava King
The substance is not the problem. The problem is that, and it's very hard to explain, but that deep seated feeling of shame, feeling that something's wrong about you, that if you're not famous anymore, right? So that was also the reason my addiction got worse is because I was, you know, after my mom passed away, I then decided to come to the States. And in China, I had a million followers on social media. People recognized me in the streets. I was doing shows in stadiums, right? But when I came to the States, I was little miss nobody.
Ava King
I think 12 step programs would be valuable for a lot of people, you know, and I think there's still a lot of people suffering out there without knowing they're suffering.
Ava King
I think that's the perfect way to be an artist, right? To like, okay, you could appreciate people loving your art, but you don't require it and you can still feel great about yourself anyway.
Ava King
My happiness should never be informed by the external. I should, I should just be happy just because I'm me and because you're you.
Ava King