Online and IRL Relationships (with Steve Dean)
Spencer Greenberg speaks with Steve Dean, a dating consultant and social expert, about his unique approach to relationships, building social capital, and leveraging networks. They discuss navigating diverse connections, optimizing dating app profiles, and fostering positive-sum interactions.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Steve Dean's Nomadic Lifestyle and Extensive Social Network
Navigating Polyamorous Relationships and Their Fluidity
The '100-Year Rule' for Building Social Capital
Leveraging Referrals in Dating and Professional Life
Cultivating Trust Through Open Communication
The 'Magnetic Box Problem' in Relationships
Disparate Experiences of Men and Women on Dating Apps
Analysis of Catcalling Motivations and Male Entitlement
Safety, Comfort, and the Orgasm Gap in Sexual Encounters
Dating Coaching and Effective Profile Creation
Spencer Greenberg's Mathematical Dating Advice
Identifying and Managing 'Takers' in Your Network
5 Key Concepts
100-Year Rule
A philosophy for building social capital by orienting one's activities, mindsets, and actions to earn consistent referrals and respect over a long span of time. It emphasizes that people's needs for connection (jobs, housing, partners, friends) don't disappear, and current acquaintances can become valuable connections in the future across various life domains.
Magnetic Box Problem
The tendency for people to try and categorize others into a limited set of predefined relationship 'boxes' (e.g., monogamous, polyamorous, friend). If someone doesn't fit a box, they're initially forced into the closest one, and if that fails, they're shifted to another existing box, rather than creating a new category or continuum that accurately describes them.
Givers (Give and Take Framework)
Individuals who are always happy to give, often in excess, and find new, creative ways to provide value to others. They operate from a positive-sum mindset, seeking to benefit not just themselves but also broader communities.
Matchers (Give and Take Framework)
Individuals who operate on a quid pro quo basis, giving with the expectation of reciprocity. If they feel taken advantage of, they require repayment or a rebalancing of the relationship before re-establishing trust.
Takers (Give and Take Framework)
Individuals who prioritize taking whatever they can, viewing interactions as zero-sum. They often lack trust in others and act solely on their own merits, sometimes exhibiting evasiveness or a 'miserliness of words' in communication.
7 Questions Answered
Your profile should be directed at the kind of person you want to attract, not just what you find appealing. It should showcase your unique idiosyncrasies and tell your story in a way that resonates with your ideal partner.
Many people try to appear generically attractive or hide perceived 'weird' aspects of themselves, often based on inaccurate estimations of what attractiveness is. This leads to profiles that lack depth and fail to stand out to genuinely compatible partners.
Takers often reveal themselves through their language, such as starting requests with 'I need you to do this for me' without checking in on your well-being or availability. They may also be evasive, miserly with words, and not convey genuine intentions.
For easy asks (under five minutes), you might still help to maintain your value set. For more significant asks or repeated behavior, it's important to communicate your discomfort directly, explaining why their approach felt inauthentic and how it impacts your trust and willingness to refer them to others.
Women often receive an overwhelming number of generic, low-effort, or even aggressive messages, leading to frustration and safety concerns. Men, on the other hand, typically experience empty inboxes and low response rates, which can lead to a feedback loop of sending even more superficial messages.
Men catcall for various reasons, including hoping it leads to sex (often a delusion), showing off to friends, getting noticed, or signaling attraction. While it might gain attention, it rarely leads to positive outcomes like sex and often makes women feel annoyed, uncomfortable, or unsafe.
For women, safety and comfort are paramount before considering sexual desire. Additionally, there's an 'orgasm gap' in first encounters, meaning women are far less likely to experience pleasure, reducing the incentive for one-off hookups with strangers.
14 Actionable Insights
1. Invest in Social Capital Early
Focus your energy in your 20s on building strong communities and networks, as making friends and fostering connections requires significant time and nurturing, similar to compounding financial returns over a ‘100-year span’.
2. Cultivate a Giving Mindset
Approach interactions with a desire to help others, recognizing that positive ‘spillover effects’ from giving can lead to long-lasting mutual benefits and new opportunities in your network.
3. Over-Communicate Your Intentions
Be transparent and ‘over-communicate’ your lifestyle, intentions, and what you’re seeking in relationships to allow others to make informed decisions about engaging with you, fostering trust and clarity.
4. Design Profiles for Compatibility
Craft your dating profile to highlight your unique interests and ‘idiosyncrasies,’ actively filtering out incompatible people and attracting genuinely compatible partners who appreciate your authentic self.
5. Prioritize Understanding Others
In new interactions, especially on dating apps, take time to understand the other person’s motivations, desires, past experiences, and aspirations, creating a space for them to share and building rapport.
6. Turn Dates into Personal Activities
Plan dates around activities you genuinely want to do, such as bucket list items or hobbies, ensuring you enjoy the experience regardless of romantic compatibility and attracting partners who share similar interests.
7. Address ‘Taker’ Behavior Directly
Identify ’takers’ by their demanding communication style and, if necessary, address their problematic behavior privately and empathetically, explaining its impact on trust and future interactions.
8. Leverage Warm Referrals
Utilize trusted referrals for introductions in dating or networking, as pre-established trust and vetting significantly increase the likelihood of positive and meaningful engagement.
9. Form Communities of Purpose
Proactively create or join communities by identifying shared learning or accomplishment goals and finding others who want to pursue them with you, quickly building connections around common interests.
10. Foster Mutual Referral Agents
Cultivate relationships through honest communication about needs and struggles, aiming to become each other’s trusted referral agents across various life domains for long-term mutual support.
11. Be Open and Authentic
Share your story and current situation with few filters, as this openness makes it easier for others to understand you and builds a foundation of trust.
12. Present Yourself as Network Hub
Communicate that engaging with you offers access to your multiple overlapping communities and networks, potentially connecting others to individuals or opportunities that align with their desires.
13. Avoid Transactional Dating
Do not treat dates as mere ’efficiency’ tests; instead, strive to create positive experiences where the other person feels valued, fostering potential future connections or referrals, even if not romantically compatible.
14. Fulfill Quick, Easy Requests
If a ’taker’s’ request is quick and easy (e.g., under five minutes), fulfill it to uphold your personal value of providing positive experiences, even if they aren’t operating in good faith.
4 Key Quotes
The level of spite that's coming from sexually frustrated men and then being directed at unsuspecting women on the internet, it's just so high and so exhausting.
Steve Dean
If you're thinking of compounding returns over time, then it really behooves us to try to make ourselves into people who can be referred, who can be respected for that hundred year span.
Steve Dean
for most female identified people, there's no rational basis for presuming that your first encounter with a random person is going to be a good one.
Steve Dean
What's attractive is going to vary by every person you ever meet. You're all going to have different understandings of what attractiveness is. And what matters is who's going to be attractive for you.
Steve Dean
2 Protocols
Crafting an Effective Dating Profile
Steve Dean- Understand your target: Think about the person you're trying to meet and what they would find appealing, rather than just what appeals to you.
- Showcase your idiosyncrasies: Double down on your unique interests and quirks, making them fully visible in your profile text and photos.
- Tell your story: Present yourself in a way that pulls in the specific kinds of people you're most attracted to and engaged with.
- Remove photos test: If you remove all your photos, can your friends instantly identify your profile by the text alone? This indicates a strong, authentic representation.
Responding to 'Takers'
Steve Dean- Internal Processing: Categorize the person as potentially a 'taker,' but also consider if they might be a 'temporary taker' due to stress or resource constraints.
- Easy Ask Response: If the request is quick and easy (e.g., under five minutes), fulfill it to maintain your personal value of having positive interactions, even if the other person isn't operating in the best faith.
- Follow-up Communication: For more significant or repeated 'taker' behavior, directly address what happened and explain why their approach made you uncomfortable, highlighting how it impacts your trust and willingness to make referrals.
- Strategic Referrals: If a 'taker' is working on a product or project you believe in, you might help them with specific, targeted assistance (e.g., PR), but avoid introducing them to friends who are sensitive or susceptible to being taken advantage of.
- Network Vetting: If a 'taker' is introduced through mutual friends, communicate your concerns to those friends, providing specific examples of problematic behavior to understand their perspective and potentially create common knowledge about the individual.