Rethinking our assumptions about happiness (with Stephanie Harrison)
Stephanie Harrison, founder of The New Happy, discusses common misconceptions about happiness, the pitfalls of hyper-individualism, and the importance of challenging traditional emotional archetypes. She advocates for a "new happy" centered on authenticity and helping others.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Common Misconceptions About Happiness and Achievement
The Cost of Constant Achievement and Social Mobility
How Misguided Ideas of Happiness Trap Us
The Dual Nature of Individualism and Hyper-Individualism
Sources and Impact of Hyper-Individualistic Messages
Overcoming the Fear of Asking for Help
The Role of Positive and Negative Interactions in Relationships
Defining 'A Good Life' and 'New Happy'
Critique of 'Old Happy' and its Link to Capitalism
The 'Empty Self' and Commodification of Identity
Gender-Specific Pressures and Emotional Expression
The Rise of Male Emotionality and Sharing
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Friends
Challenging Archetypes of Ideal Men and Women
The 'New Happy': Being Who You Are and Helping Others
The Power of Interconnectedness and Interdependence
Discovering Your Unique Gifts and Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
Embracing Struggle and Discomfort for Growth
5 Key Concepts
Old Happy
This concept describes a pursuit of happiness centered on three pillars: self-perfection, achieving culturally approved goals, and doing everything by oneself. It is underpinned by values like perfectionism, competition, extrinsic achievement, isolation, and hyper-independence, which ultimately backfire and lead to unhappiness.
Hyper-Individualism
An extreme form of individualism that suggests people are entirely on their own, separate from others, and should not struggle or lean on anyone. This worldview promotes self-reliance to the point of isolation, discouraging community involvement and mutual support.
Empty Self
A concept describing the self as being construed in a form that needs to be continually filled up with material possessions, achievements, and the accoutrements of a successful person. Because these external things do not provide lasting well-being, the self is constantly depleted, driving continuous consumption and pursuit of 'more'.
New Happy
This is a recipe for real happiness that comes from two core actions: being who you really are and using who you are to help other people. It emphasizes self-acceptance, discovering and cultivating unique personal gifts, and contributing to the well-being of others, recognizing our fundamental interconnectedness.
Gifts (Humanity, Wisdom, Talents)
A framework for understanding one's unique contributions. Humanity strengths encompass character traits; Gifts of Wisdom are lessons and information learned from unique life experiences; and Talents are innate or trained abilities. Recognizing and sharing these gifts is crucial for personal growth and helping others.
11 Questions Answered
Most people mistakenly equate happiness with achievement and success, believing it's a destination reached after specific accomplishments. However, this form of happiness is usually fleeting and not a sustainable source of long-term well-being.
Individualism can contribute to happiness by recognizing unique qualities and self-actualization, but its extreme form (hyper-individualism) ultimately harms us by promoting the idea that we are entirely on our own, separate from others, and should not lean on anyone.
These messages are pervasive in our culture, with studies showing a significant increase in individualistic language (e.g., 'I,' 'me,' 'mine') in media over the last 50 years and a shift in kids' television shows over the last 30 years to focus more on the self rather than community or kindness.
A helpful approach is to slowly expand the 'safety circle' of topics you discuss with friends. Start by sharing slightly more vulnerable information related to subjects you already comfortably discuss, observing their positive responses, and gradually building trust to share deeper emotional experiences.
Sharing a negative experience, especially when met with love and connection, can actually be a positive experience for both parties, fostering deeper bonds. However, repeatedly venting about the same unsolvable problem can be perceived negatively, leading to feelings of helplessness or burden.
'Old Happy' is a misguided pursuit of happiness based on self-perfection, achieving societal goals, and doing everything alone. Stephanie Harrison argues that these beliefs are fundamentally linked to the values inculcated by an extremely capitalist society, individualism, and domination.
The 'empty self' is a concept describing how the self is often construed in modern culture as needing to be filled up with material possessions, achievements, and external markers of success. This constant need for external validation and consumption powers the economy but fails to provide lasting well-being.
Being who you are involves self-acceptance (treating yourself as worthy and integrating difficult experiences), discovering your unique gifts (humanity strengths, wisdom from life experiences, and talents), and actively cultivating these aspects of yourself through growth and development.
The focus on helping others stems from the belief that our perceived separateness from others is a major source of unhappiness. Contributing to others' well-being, in any form, fosters a sense of purpose, meaning, usefulness, and interconnectedness, which counters loneliness and despair.
The opposite of separateness is interconnectedness and interdependence. This applies to all types of relationships—romantic partners, friends, neighbors, strangers—as well as our connection to the human species, all beings, and the planet, recognizing our mutual reliance and the importance of care.
Imposter syndrome is widespread due to several factors: valuing oneself based on comparison to others (always finding someone 'better'), a fragile 'empty self' that seeks external validation, and a misunderstanding that if something doesn't come easily, one is not meant to do it.
19 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace “New Happy” Principles
Cultivate lasting happiness by authentically being who you are and then actively using your unique self, including your gifts, wisdom, and talents, to contribute positively to the well-being of others.
2. Cultivate Authentic Selfhood
Achieve authentic selfhood by practicing self-acceptance, discovering your unique gifts (humanity strengths, wisdom, and talents), and continuously cultivating these aspects for personal growth and wholeness.
3. Broaden Your Definition of Help
Redefine “help” as any action that positively contributes to another person’s well-being, understanding that this interconnectedness and mutual contribution are vital for combating loneliness and fostering happiness.
4. Accept Your Whole Self
Fully accept yourself as you are, understanding that you are inherently worthy and possess valuable contributions for the world, and that hiding your authentic self benefits no one.
5. Embrace Struggle for Growth
Actively seek out and embrace the struggle and discomfort inherent in learning new things, as this is the primary way to grow, achieve your goals, and fulfill your potential, rather than something to be avoided.
6. Normalize Confusion in Learning
When learning new or difficult things, expect to feel confused or lost a significant portion of the time, as this indicates you are challenging yourself appropriately and are on the path to growth.
7. Challenge Hyper-Individualism
Actively question and resist extreme individualistic messages that suggest you are entirely on your own and shouldn’t lean on others, as these beliefs can lead to isolation and unhappiness.
8. Avoid Achievement-Based Happiness
Do not place all your eggs in the basket of achievement for happiness, as the joy from success is fleeting and not a sustainable source of long-term well-being.
9. Evaluate Achievement’s Cost
Reflect on the sacrifices made in pursuit of a constant stream of achievements for happiness, as this strategy can negatively affect other vital areas of your life.
10. Discover Your Unique Gifts
Initiate self-discovery by asking five trusted individuals to identify your unique gifts and provide examples, as this external perspective can reveal strengths you take for granted or don’t recognize in yourself.
11. Integrate Gifts Daily
Once you’ve identified your unique gifts, actively seek opportunities to bring them to the forefront in your daily activities and interactions, without needing to make drastic life changes.
12. Reframe Asking for Help
When struggling, ask for help by understanding that allowing others to assist you provides them with an opportunity to experience the joy and happiness of contributing, rather than viewing yourself as a burden.
13. Give Friends a Chance
Challenge cynical thoughts about burdening friends by giving them the opportunity to be there for you, even with small acts of sharing, as this can significantly deepen and transform your relationships.
14. Gradually Expand Sharing Safety
To build trust for sharing emotions, gradually expand your “safety circle” with friends by discussing slightly more vulnerable aspects of topics you already comfortably share, eventually leading to deeper emotional challenges.
15. Assure Friends They’re Not Burdens
When friends or loved ones are struggling, actively communicate that their needs and pain do not make them a burden, which helps them feel safe and encourages open sharing.
16. Balance Relationship Interactions
Strive for a healthy ratio of positive to negative interactions in your relationships and distribute your emotional reliance across different friends to maintain long-term sustainability and avoid overburdening any single person.
17. Share Negative Experiences Mindfully
When sharing negative experiences, be mindful that while it can build connection, repeatedly discussing the same problem or not taking action can be frustrating for friends, so balance sharing with progress or varied topics.
18. Boundaried Sharing of Difficulties
When discussing difficult issues with close friends, provide a quick update at the beginning of the conversation in a boundaried way, then transition to other topics to ensure it doesn’t dominate the entire interaction.
19. Find Positivity in Shared Suffering
Understand that sharing and navigating suffering with loved ones can foster positive experiences of love, connection, and peace, making it possible to find joy even amidst prolonged difficulties.
4 Key Quotes
I grow little of the food I eat and of the little I do grow, I did not breed or perfect the seeds. I do not make any of my own clothing. I speak a language I did not invent or refine. I did not discover the mathematics I use. I am protected by freedoms and laws I did not conceive of or legislate and I do not enforce or adjudicate. And at the end, he says, I love and admire my species living and dead. I am totally dependent on them for my life and wellbeing.
Steve Jobs (quoted by Stephanie Harrison)
I would love to leave people telling them that they are completely acceptable as they are. And more than that, they have so much to offer other people, the world themselves and keeping that tucked away, keeping that hidden away doesn't help you. And it doesn't help anybody. And I want to encourage anyone listening to share themselves boldly because the world needs you and you have the power to make a big difference.
Stephanie Harrison
I always think like, what would it look like to expand that circle just a little bit? So for example, if you're comfortable talking about your family with your friends, then maybe you could tell them about something that's a little bit hard that's going on with your family. And the reason why this helps you to feel safe is because you have a bridge there.
Stephanie Harrison
I think that the more that having pain met with love, to me, becomes, as you said, turns it into an experience of, you know, love and connection and all those good things. And so it can be a positive one.
Stephanie Harrison
1 Protocols
Discovering Your Unique Gifts
Stephanie Harrison- Reach out to five people in your life (friends, family, colleagues).
- Ask them to reflect on your unique gifts or strengths.
- Specifically ask for examples or times they've noticed you 'look alive' or seem happy and energized, or particular traits they appreciate.
- Once you receive the feedback, reflect on how you can start to use some of those called-out gifts more in your daily life, without needing to make drastic changes.