How to Handle Life When It Falls Apart: Rewire Your Beliefs, Calm Your Mind, Stop Ruminating & Move Forward With Confidence: Dr Maya Shankar #635
This episode features cognitive scientist Dr. Maya Shankar, author of "The Other Side of Change," discussing how our minds respond to unwanted change. She shares evidence-based tools and inspiring stories to help listeners navigate uncertainty, reframe identity, and find meaning and growth amidst adversity.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
Why We Struggle with Unwanted and Unexpected Change
The End of History Illusion and Internal Transformation
Change as Revelation: Uncovering Hidden Beliefs
Finding Opportunity in Unwanted Situations
Personal Journey: Confronting Fertility Challenges and Beliefs
Reinterpreting Past Adversity: The Gift of Loss
The Universal Psychology of Navigating Change
Moral Elevation: Witnessing Others' Extraordinary Actions
The Role of Belief Systems in Coping with Change
Anchoring Identity to 'Why' You Do Things, Not 'What'
Strategies for Dealing with Rumination and Mental Spirals
Finding Happiness and Fulfillment After Unmet Dreams
7 Key Concepts
Cognitive Closure
This is the human desire for clear, definitive, black-and-white answers. When faced with unwanted change, people often struggle because the situation presents only 'gray space,' making it hard to find the certainty they crave.
End of History Illusion
This cognitive bias describes our tendency to acknowledge significant past changes in ourselves but believe we will change very little in the future. It limits our understanding of how we might transform, especially when faced with major life changes.
Change as Revelation (Apocalypse)
The word 'apocalypse' comes from the Greek word 'apocalypsis,' meaning revelation. Unwanted change, while initially feeling like a personal catastrophe, can reveal previously hidden beliefs, capabilities, and perspectives, offering an opportunity for self-discovery.
Possible Selves
Psychologists categorize possible selves into three forms: hoped-for selves (dreams), feared selves (worries), and expected selves (likely outcomes). Unexpected change often forces us to reimagine these possible selves when previous paths become inaccessible.
Moral Elevation
This is the warm, fuzzy feeling experienced when witnessing someone else's extraordinary acts of courage, kindness, self-sacrifice, or resilience. It not only makes us feel good about humanity but also rewires our brains, expanding our imagination of what we ourselves are capable of.
Identity Anchoring (Why vs. What)
Instead of anchoring self-identity to 'what' you do (e.g., a profession), it's more resilient to anchor it to 'why' you do it (e.g., a love of connection, service, or learning). If the 'what' is lost, the underlying 'why' can still guide you to new pursuits.
Rumination
Rumination occurs when we try to solve a problem but end up running in circles, making no actual progress. It creates an illusion of problem-solving but doubles down on negative emotions, often driven by a desire for certainty in uncertain situations.
6 Questions Answered
Humans struggle with unwanted change primarily because our brains are not wired to like uncertainty. We prefer certainty, even if it's certainty of a negative outcome, over ambiguity, which leads to anxiety and rumination.
Yes, people who are more open-minded and don't seek cognitive closure as much tend to navigate change better. However, resilience in the face of uncertainty is a muscle that anyone can build through subtle shifts in mindset and specific strategies.
Unwanted change can accelerate internal transformations by revealing previously hidden beliefs, capabilities, and new perspectives. It forces us to question self-limiting views and can lead to a newfound understanding of who we are and who we can become.
Witnessing others' extraordinary acts (moral elevation) can rewire our brains, expanding our imagination about what we are capable of. It can inspire us to cultivate character traits like empathy, kindness, or resilience, helping us navigate our own life changes and even initiate new ones.
Rumination is when we try to solve a problem but run in circles, making no progress, often driven by a desire for certainty. Strategies to stop it include mental time travel, affect labeling, taking a third-party view, and self-coaching in the third person.
Instead of defining ourselves by 'what' we do (e.g., a job or role), we should anchor our self-identity to 'why' we do things (e.g., a love of connection, service, or learning). This 'why' is more durable and can persist even if the 'what' is taken away by life changes.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Anchor Identity to Your Why
Anchor your self-identity to ‘why’ you do something (e.g., human connection, service, learning) rather than ‘what’ you do. This creates a more resilient self-identity that persists even if your current role or path changes.
2. Reframe Change as Opportunity
View unexpected change not just as something to endure, but as an opportunity to reimagine who you can be and explore new aspects of your identity. This mindset shift can reveal hidden capabilities and new vantage points.
3. Interrogate Self-Limiting Beliefs
When faced with change, revisit and assess beliefs that may be self-limiting or don’t reflect reality, as change can reveal them. This allows you to move forward unburdened by faulty assumptions, some formed in childhood.
4. Cultivate Flexible Mindset
Develop a mindset that encourages flexibility of thinking, allowing you to see situations from multiple perspectives and angles. This is a powerful tool for navigating life’s challenges and questioning assumptions.
5. Reclaim Agency in Change
Even when facing uncontrollable changes (e.g., illness, loss), reclaim your agency by focusing on what you can control: your internal response. Use science-backed strategies, reframes, and perspective shifts to manage your mindset.
6. Seek Moral Elevation
Actively seek out and witness others’ extraordinary acts of courage, kindness, or resilience. This ‘moral elevation’ can rewire your brain, expanding your imagination about what you are capable of and inspiring personal growth.
7. Repurpose Skills and Wisdom
In moments of disruption, reflect on all the skills, knowledge, wisdom, and perspectives you’ve accumulated throughout your life. These can be repurposed to serve you in new pursuits and next steps, even if your original path is no longer available.
8. Perform Self-Affirmation Exercise
Write down all the parts of your life and identity that bring you meaning and purpose, focusing on those not threatened by your current change. This exercise decreases denial and boosts resilience and well-being.
9. Build Uncertainty Tolerance
Recognize that tolerance for uncertainty is a muscle that can be built over time, helping you become more resilient in the face of unexpected changes. Our brains naturally dislike uncertainty, but this skill can be developed.
10. Recognize End of History Illusion
Be aware of the ’end of history illusion,’ which makes us believe we are a finished product, to avoid limiting your understanding of how you might continue to transform and grow. Major life changes can accelerate these internal transformations.
11. Use Mental Time Travel
When stuck in negative mental spirals, use mental time travel: go back to recall past resilience or project forward to see your current problem as transient. This creates psychological distance from immediate preoccupations.
12. Adopt Third-Party Perspective
When facing a problem, take a third-party view, imagining yourself as a ‘fly on the wall’ observing the situation from multiple angles. This helps poke holes in your negative narrative and see new perspectives.
13. Coach Yourself in Third Person
In heated or difficult moments, coach yourself in the third person (e.g., ‘Maya, you need to get a grip’) instead of the first person. This fosters psychological distance, objectivity, and self-compassion.
14. Practice Affect Labeling
To create psychological distance from overwhelming emotions, simply give a label to what you’re feeling (e.g., ‘I am feeling envy,’ ‘This is grief’). This shifts focus from embodying the emotion to simply having it.
15. Avoid Isolation During Rumination
Understand that loneliness and rumination can create a vicious cycle, reinforcing each other. Counter this by connecting with others and avoiding isolation during challenging times.
16. Explore Identity Through Fiction
Read fiction or watch movies as an ‘identity laboratory’ to explore new personality traits, make risky decisions, and try on different ways of being in a psychologically safe space. This can crack open your imagination about what’s possible.
17. Be Mindful of Your Conduct
Recognize that your own actions and conduct can serve as moral elevation for others, inspiring them to change or act in alignment with their values. Be aware of the profound impact your everyday actions can have on observers.
18. Ask ‘Who Do You Want to Be?’
When interacting with children, ask ‘who do you want to be’ (focusing on character traits and values) rather than just ‘what do you want to do’ (focusing on roles or jobs). This encourages them to think about personality and character cultivation.
19. Perform ‘Life CV’ Thought Experiment
Imagine reading your own life CV, not just academic or job experiences, but the entirety of who you are, to gain distance and objectivity. This thought experiment helps you see your full capabilities and the many opportunities available to you.
20. Recognize Rumination
Understand that rumination is a non-productive mental spiral where you run in circles trying to solve a problem without making progress, often doubling down on negative emotions. It’s not true problem-solving and needs to be addressed with specific strategies.
7 Key Quotes
We are more stressed when we're told we have a 50% chance of getting an electric shock than when we're told we have a 100% chance of getting that shock.
Dr. Maya Shankar
We strangely view the present as a watershed moment in which we have become the person we will be for the rest of our lives.
Dr. Maya Shankar
They're not necessarily happy that the change happened to them. Who would willingly invite loss or heartbreak into their lives? Very few people. But they're deeply grateful for the person that they became as a result of the change they went through.
Dr. Maya Shankar
Apocalypse actually comes from the Greek word apocalypsis. And interestingly, that word means revelation. And so this etymology is really instructive. Yes, change can upend us, but it can also reveal things to us that, as I was saying earlier, were previously hidden from view.
Dr. Maya Shankar
It is absolutely true that you can extract insight from those whose stories look like yours, but my argument as a cognitive scientist is that we all have a shared psychology. The stuff of change actually looks quite similar irrespective of the specifics of what we're navigating.
Dr. Maya Shankar
Moral elevation doesn't just make us feel good about humanity, it actually rewires our brains. And that's because in witnessing other people violate our expectations, our understanding of what humans are capable of in the best way possible, it actually cracks open our own imagination about what we are capable of.
Dr. Maya Shankar
It can be quite precarious for us to anchor our self-identity to what we do, and that's because life can take away that what in an instant.
Dr. Maya Shankar
1 Protocols
Self-Affirmation Exercise for Resilience
Dr. Maya Shankar- Write down all the parts of your life and identity that bring you a sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment.
- Focus specifically on the parts of your life that are NOT threatened by the change you are currently going through (e.g., if struggling in a relationship, focus on your spiritual life or hobbies).
- Engaging in this exercise helps decrease denial by showing your entire identity is not under threat, and massively boosts resilience and well-being in the longer term.