A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and author of "Good Inside," explains how parenting principles apply to workplace leadership. She discusses building resilience, setting boundaries, and fostering connection by treating adults like "babies in disguise" to improve relationships and productivity.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Connecting Parenting Principles to Leadership in the Workplace
The Foundational Power of Repair in Relationships
Connecting Before Correcting: Building Cooperation and Trust
The 'Good Inside' Framework: Separating Behavior from Identity
Applying the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) Framework
Understanding Behavior Change: Feelings Overpowering Skills
Lessons from Potty Learning for Workplace Dynamics
Becoming a Sturdy Leader: Containing Others' Emotions
Setting Effective Boundaries: What You Will Do
The Role of Leadership and Consensus in Decision-Making
Building Resilience Over Short-Term Happiness
The Power of 'I Believe You, and I Believe in You'
Good Inside: Community, App, and Learning Resources
Using AI for Rapid Idea Visualization and Prototyping
The Mission of Good Inside and Future Initiatives
Applying a Growth Mindset from Work to Parenting
8 Key Concepts
Repair
Repair is the number one relationship strategy, involving going back to a person after a moment you weren't proud of, taking responsibility, acknowledging impact, and discussing future changes. It's what differentiates secure attachment in relationships, not perfection.
Connecting Before Correcting
This principle emphasizes forming a bridge of connection with someone before attempting to correct their behavior or make a request. It involves seeing the other person as a full human being with their own priorities, which fosters cooperation and productivity.
Good Inside Framework
This framework requires separating behavior from identity, recognizing that a person's core identity is 'good' even if their behavior is problematic. This distinction helps prevent defensiveness and enables more productive conversations focused on changing behavior rather than judging character.
Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)
MGI is a tool to action the 'good inside' idea, encouraging one to consider the most generous possible reason for someone's difficult behavior. This shifts one's mindset from judgment to curiosity, leading to more effective interventions and improved relationships.
Feelings Overpower Skills
This concept explains that bad behavior at any age often stems from feelings that overwhelm a person's current skills to manage those emotions. The intervention should focus on teaching the missing skills rather than merely punishing the behavior, which is counterproductive.
Sturdy Leadership
Sturdy leadership involves being able to see someone else's emotional experience as real for them, without being overwhelmed by it oneself. A sturdy leader can hold their own experience and make decisions with conviction, even when others are upset or resistant, providing a sense of safety and containment.
Boundaries
Boundaries are defined as what you tell someone else *you* will do, requiring the other person to do nothing. This distinguishes boundaries from requests and ensures the person setting the boundary retains their power and authority, even if the other person reacts negatively.
Resilience Over Happiness
This parenting philosophy prioritizes building a child's ability to cope with a wide range of difficult experiences (disappointment, jealousy, anger) rather than optimizing for constant happiness. This approach fosters long-term resilience and ironically leads to greater happiness in adulthood, as individuals are better equipped to manage life's challenges.
10 Questions Answered
Parenting principles, such as understanding human behavior, managing relationships, and navigating systems, are directly applicable to leadership because all humans, regardless of age, share fundamental needs. Effective strategies for raising resilient children can also make one a more effective leader in any human system, including companies.
Repair is crucial for reestablishing trust and connection after mistakes, as it involves taking responsibility and acknowledging impact. It defines secure relationships, whether with children or colleagues, and leads to better cooperation and more productive interactions by preventing defensiveness.
Connecting before correcting builds a bridge between people by acknowledging their reality and priorities, making them feel seen and understood. This connection is essential for fostering cooperation and productivity, as people are more likely to listen and act together when they feel connected.
The 'Good Inside' framework involves separating a person's behavior from their identity, assuming they are a good person who is having a hard time or exhibiting problematic behavior. This approach prevents defensiveness and allows for more productive conversations focused on understanding and changing the behavior, rather than judging the person's character.
The MGI is a tool to interpret someone's difficult behavior by considering the most generous possible reason for it, shifting from judgment to curiosity. This helps one maintain a positive view of the person, fostering better relationships and leading to more effective, empathetic solutions.
Bad behavior often stems from feelings that overpower a person's skills to manage those emotions. Instead of punishment, the effective approach is to set boundaries around the behavior while simultaneously teaching the missing skills, which helps change behavior long-term and fosters resilience.
A sturdy leader can acknowledge and validate others' emotional experiences without being overwhelmed by them. They maintain their own composure and conviction, providing a sense of safety and direction, much like a calm pilot during turbulence, even when facing complaints or strong emotions.
Effective boundaries are statements about what *you* will do, requiring nothing from the other person. This approach ensures you retain your power and authority, even if the other person protests, and helps avoid job confusion where you expect others to do your job of setting limits.
Building resilience involves allowing and supporting people through difficult experiences, rather than constantly trying to make things easy or 'happy.' This approach helps individuals develop coping skills and capability, which ultimately leads to greater long-term well-being and a more robust work culture capable of handling challenges.
This phrase combines validation ('I believe you' acknowledges their struggle) with empowerment ('I believe in you' conveys confidence in their ability to overcome it). It's powerful because it meets people where they are (in their struggle) while simultaneously showing them a more capable version of themselves, fostering growth and confidence.
13 Actionable Insights
1. Practice ‘I Believe You and I Believe in You’
When someone is struggling, validate their feelings by saying “I believe you” and acknowledging their experience, then express confidence in their ability to overcome the challenge by saying “I believe in you.” This helps them feel seen and capable, fostering resilience.
2. Master the Art of Repair
After a moment you’re not proud of, go back to the person, take responsibility for your part, acknowledge the impact on them, and discuss what you’ll do differently next time. This reestablishes trust and connection, leading to better cooperation.
3. Set Clear, Action-Oriented Boundaries
Define boundaries as what you will do, requiring the other person to do nothing. This prevents giving your power away and ensures you maintain control over your actions, even if others react emotionally, which is a sign the boundary is working.
4. Be a Sturdy Leader
Act as a stable, calm presence by acknowledging others’ emotional experiences as real for them, but without being overwhelmed or dictated by them. Make decisions with conviction, even if unpopular, to provide a sense of safety and direction.
5. Connect Before Correcting
Approach conversations with a ‘without an agenda’ mindset, being present and seeing the other person as a full human being for at least 30 seconds before addressing an issue. This builds a bridge of connection, making them more receptive to your message and fostering cooperation.
6. Assume ‘Good Inside’ & Separate Behavior from Identity
Recognize that people are inherently good, even if their behavior is problematic. Separate the person’s identity from their actions (e.g., ‘a good person who is late’) to avoid defensiveness and enable more productive conversations about changing behavior.
7. Apply the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)
When someone’s behavior is frustrating, actively seek the most generous interpretation of their actions instead of the least generous. This shifts your mindset, helps you like the person again, and leads to more effective, empathetic interventions.
8. Prioritize Resilience Over Short-Term Happiness
In leadership and parenting, focus on building the capacity to cope with a wide range of difficult experiences (disappointment, jealousy, anger) rather than constantly optimizing for immediate happiness. This fosters capability and long-term well-being.
9. View Bad Behavior as Unmanaged Feelings
Understand that bad behavior at any age often stems from feelings overpowering skills. Instead of punishing, act like a coach: set boundaries around the behavior, then teach the missing skills to help individuals manage their internal experiences more effectively.
10. Cultivate Curiosity Over Judgment
When faced with challenging behavior, approach it with curiosity to understand what might be missing or going on internally, rather than immediately applying judgment. This allows for deeper understanding and more effective problem-solving.
11. Name Your Intentions Clearly
When making requests or decisions that might be perceived as controlling, clearly state your underlying intention upfront. This helps others interpret your actions through your intended purpose, reducing misinterpretation and resistance.
12. Embrace the ‘Forever Learner’ Mindset
Apply the same growth mindset you use at work to your personal life, especially parenting. Recognize that skills can be learned, and it’s okay to make mistakes; focus on growing and learning from challenges rather than striving for perfection.
13. Ask for Feedback from Your Kids
Periodically ask your children, ‘If I could do one thing different this week to be a better parent to you, what would it be?’ This demonstrates openness, provides insight into their world, and can improve their behavior by making them feel heard and valued.
7 Key Quotes
Perfect is creepy.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
All humans need the same things, whether we're 1 or 5 or 45 or 85.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
The quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
You inherently cannot be judgmental when you're curious and when you're judgmental about something, you're inherently not curious about it.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Our kids can only learn to tolerate the feelings we tolerate in them.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
There's no better feeling in the world than watching yourself work on something and make progress on something and maybe even complete something that you originally didn't think you could do.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
This feels hard because it is hard, not because I'm doing something wrong.
Dr. Becky Kennedy