How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin
Sam Lesson, partner at Slow Ventures and two-time founder, discusses proper etiquette for founders. He frames etiquette as a skill to show up with a low heart rate, build trust, and navigate social interactions effectively, covering introductions, conversations, dining, and meetings.
Deep Dive Analysis
20 Topic Outline
Why Etiquette Matters for Founders
Etiquette as a Skill for Low Heart Rate & Trust
Etiquette for Introductions and Entering a Room
Navigating Conversations and Building Relationships
Hygiene and Dress Code Etiquette
Dining Etiquette: Ordering and Paying
Tipping Etiquette: When and How Much
Remembering Table Settings (B&D Trick)
Using Humor and Self-Deprecation
Gracefully Winding Down Conversations
Scheduling and Calendar Etiquette
Email and Digital Communication Etiquette
In-Person Meeting Etiquette
Virtual Meeting Etiquette
Cleaning Up After Yourself
Exiting and Follow-Up Etiquette
General Principles of Etiquette
AI Corner: Useful Applications
Contrarian View on AI Startups
Lightning Round: Books, Media, Product, Motto, Podcasting
5 Key Concepts
Etiquette as a 'low heart rate' skill
This framework suggests that the primary goal of good etiquette is to enable an individual to enter any social or business situation with self-confidence and a calm demeanor, rather than anxiety or a transactional mindset.
Abundance Mindset in Social Interactions
Approaching social situations with the belief that opportunities are not scarce, fostering calm and relationship-building rather than transactional interactions. This helps avoid appearing overly eager or desperate.
Signaling of Effort
The idea that the *attempt* to follow etiquette rules, even if imperfect, conveys respect and goes a long way in social interactions. It shows you care about the situation and the people involved.
Meeting People Where They're At
Adjusting your communication style, vocabulary, and expectations to match the person and cultural context you are in. The goal is to make others feel comfortable and respected, not to mirror them exactly.
Leaving Them Wanting More
In conversations and interactions, the goal is to leave a positive impression that makes others desire further interaction or conversation, rather than exhausting the topic or oversharing.
13 Questions Answered
Etiquette helps founders build trust and strong partnerships, especially as technology becomes central and people worry about job security, by showing awareness and respect.
Be early, have a strong handshake, repeat names back to show you're trying to remember them, and make eye contact to show engagement.
Repeat the person's name back to them immediately after they introduce themselves (e.g., 'Lenny, it's great to meet you') to help solidify it in your memory and show effort.
Ask questions to engage others, viewing conversation as a 'ping pong game' of give and take, and aim to leave people wanting more rather than exhausting the topic.
Dress one level up from the expected attire, focus on the fit of your clothes over brand or expense, and don't be afraid to ask about the dress code if unsure.
Don't order the most expensive item, offer to pay (expecting to be declined by the host), and avoid being stingy with tips.
Tip generously, aiming for 20-30% as a minimum, to ensure no one feels you are being stingy and to avoid your tip being memorable for the wrong reasons.
Humor can show comfort and mastery of a social situation, but it should be used sparingly, smartly, and with awareness of the audience; self-deprecating humor is generally safer than making fun of others.
Recognize the signs when the conversation is winding down and respect them, perhaps by bringing someone else into the conversation or making a subtle exit like 'I'm going to go grab a drink.'
Provide real availability, be flexible if you are the one rescheduling, check time zones carefully, and always show respect to executive assistants and personal assistants.
Keep emails short and to the point, proofread, avoid excessive emojis (especially in business contexts), and be mindful of the order of recipients in the 'To' and 'CC' fields.
Always have your camera on, ensure an appropriate and tidy background (e.g., a made bed, closed closet), and generally avoid virtual backgrounds.
Stand when people leave the table, follow up with a thank you note, and avoid making a 'production' of your departure, sometimes opting for an 'Irish goodbye' in large group settings.
55 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Abundance Mindset
Approach interactions with self-confidence and the calm of abundance, understanding that this isn’t your only opportunity and focusing on building relationships rather than transactional gains.
2. Prioritize Low Heart Rate
The ultimate goal of etiquette is to show up in any room with a low heart rate, fostering ease and comfort for yourself and others, which helps build trust and project confidence.
3. Signal Effort and Respect
Demonstrate respect for others and the situation by showing you’ve made an effort, as the signaling of effort often matters as much as the actual action.
4. Be Early, Not Too Early
Arrive 10-15 minutes early for meetings to allow buffer time and maintain a low heart rate, but avoid arriving an hour early to prevent awkward waiting periods.
5. Apologize Simply for Lateness
If you are late, apologize simply and move on without making a big deal out of it. Conversely, do not make others feel bad if they are late.
6. Give a Firm Handshake
Offer a strong, firm handshake without crushing the other person’s hand, as it demonstrates confidence and engagement.
7. Repeat Names Back
When meeting someone, repeat their name back to them (e.g., ‘Lenny, it’s great to meet you’) to show you’re making an effort to remember it and connect.
8. Maintain Eye Contact
Make at least an effort to maintain eye contact during conversations to show you are present, engaged, and respectful of the other person’s time.
9. Introduce Partner First
When with your partner, introduce them first to others, bringing them into the conversation and showing respect.
10. Remember Names Gracefully
If you forget someone’s name, introduce your partner to them first (e.g., ‘Jessica, I want to introduce you…’) and let the other person re-introduce themselves to your partner, allowing you to pick up their name.
11. Use ‘Great to See You’
Opt for ‘Great to see you’ instead of ‘Nice to meet you’ if you are unsure whether you have met someone before, avoiding potential embarrassment for all parties.
12. Welcome Others into Conversation
Be inclusive in conversations, welcoming others rather than monopolizing someone’s attention, especially in group settings or with influential individuals.
13. Ask Questions (Ping-Pong Style)
Ask questions to engage others, treating conversation like a game of ping-pong where you hit the ball back and forth, rather than an inquisition or a monologue.
14. Match Vocabulary and Tone
Adjust your vocabulary and tone to meet people where they are, making them feel relaxed and welcome, rather than trying to mirror them exactly.
15. Leave Them Wanting More
Conclude interactions leaving people interested in continuing the conversation or meeting again, rather than feeling they’ve heard your entire life story.
16. Excuse Yourself Gracefully
Recognize when a conversation or social interaction is winding down and gracefully excuse yourself, rather than lingering awkwardly.
17. Treat Famous People as People
When meeting famous or influential individuals, avoid being sycophantic or ridiculous; treat them as people and aim for a pleasant, iterative interaction.
18. Use Humor Sparingly
Employ humor sparingly and smartly, understanding your audience and the social context, as a well-placed joke can show comfort, but a failed one is a high-risk maneuver.
19. Self-Deprecating Humor is Safe
Make fun of yourself rather than other people, as self-deprecating humor is generally safe and effective, while making fun of others requires extreme familiarity.
20. Have Stories Ready
Keep a few fun, build-on stories in your arsenal to contribute to conversations, ensuring they are not lengthy monologues.
21. Gracefully Exit Conversations
When winding down a conversation, subtly bring someone else into it or state you’re going to grab a drink (not an invitation to follow), respecting the other person’s space.
22. Subtle Fragrance Only
Ensure your scent is not noticeable, avoiding overpowering perfumes or colognes, and certainly not smelling bad.
23. Dress Respectfully
Look put together and make an effort to dress appropriately for the occasion, neither massively overdressing nor underdressing, to show respect for the room.
24. Dress One Level Up
As a simple win, dress one level up from the expected attire, but avoid going two or three levels higher.
25. Prioritize Fit Over Brand
Focus on the fit of your clothing over expensive brands; a well-fitting, inexpensive item looks much better than a misfitting, costly one.
26. Avoid Ostentatious Items
Do not wear overtly expensive or flashy items like a Rolex as a startup founder, as it can appear classless and signal you’re trying too hard.
27. Ask About Dress Code
If you are unsure about the appropriate dress code, it is perfectly acceptable to ask, as it shows confidence and humility.
28. Seek Dressing Advice
Find someone in your social circle who dresses well and ask them for advice on how to improve your own style.
29. Keep Virtual Backgrounds Real
For video calls, use a real background that is tidy (e.g., made bed, closed closet) rather than a virtual background, which can be less authentic.
30. Tip Generously
Tip well, with 20% being a minimum, and sometimes 30%, to ensure no one feels you are stingy and to avoid your tip being memorable for the wrong reasons.
31. Avoid Most Expensive Menu Item
When being hosted for a meal, do not order the most expensive item on the menu, as hosts may notice insensitivity to cost.
32. Don’t Order First at Meals
When dining with others, especially if being hosted, try not to order first; let someone else set the tone for starters, drinks, and meal length.
33. Offer to Pay (Within Reason)
Always offer to pay for a meal, even if you expect to be declined, as it is a polite gesture, but be mindful of extremely expensive bills.
34. Tip Like the Host Would
If you are paying for a meal with a very well-known or wealthy person, tip as generously as they would (potentially 100% of the bill) to match their expected standard.
35. Offer Sommelier a Sip
If you order a nice bottle of wine, offer the sommelier a sip, showing generosity and appreciation for their expertise.
36. Remember Plate Placement (B/D)
Use the ‘B for bread, D for drinks’ mnemonic by looking at your hands to correctly identify your bread plate and drink glass at a set table.
37. Knife Blade Inward
When placing your knife on the table, ensure the blade is pointed inward towards your plate, not outward towards others.
38. Napkin in Lap
Place your napkin in your lap, not tucked into your neck or off to the side, as proper dining etiquette.
39. Clean Up After Yourself
After a meeting or meal, offer to put your coffee cup or other items away, demonstrating respect for the space and staff.
40. Provide Real Scheduling Options
When asking someone to schedule, ensure you provide real and flexible availability, or let the busier person dictate their free times.
41. Avoid Calendly by Default
Do not use Calendly as a default scheduling tool, especially if you are the less senior or busy person; instead, offer to work around their schedule.
42. Be Flexible When Rescheduling
If you initiate a reschedule, be even more accommodating and flexible to the other person’s availability, making it work for them within reason.
43. Double-Check Time Zones
Always double-check time zones when scheduling meetings to avoid errors and ensure the meeting time is reasonable for all participants.
44. Respect EAs and PAs
Show deep respect for Executive Assistants (EAs) and Personal Assistants (PAs) by thanking them, making eye contact, and following up, as they are crucial gatekeepers.
45. Limit Emojis in Business
Avoid using emojis in business communications unless the other person initiates their use, as they can imply too much familiarity or be misinterpreted.
46. Proofread Communications
Always proofread your emails and messages to ensure clarity and professionalism, avoiding mistakes that can signal a lack of attention to detail.
47. Be Concise in Communication
Keep communications short and to the point, assuming the recipient is busy and avoiding lengthy paragraphs that demand significant reading time.
48. Respond Promptly (SLA)
Aim to respond to emails with at least a quick acknowledgment, as an informal ‘SLA’ (Service Level Agreement) to avoid leaving people hanging.
49. Mind Email Recipient Order
Be mindful of the order of recipients in the ‘To’ and ‘CC’ fields of an email, as it subtly signals who you consider most important or the primary audience.
50. Don’t Reply All to BCC
If you are BCC’d on an email, never reply all, as it violates the intended privacy and can lead to awkward situations.
51. Camera On for Virtual Meetings
Always turn your camera on for virtual meetings to show engagement and presence, unless there’s a specific reason not to.
52. Stand When Others Leave
Stand up when people leave the table or conclude a meeting, especially when shaking hands, as a sign of respect.
53. Send Thank You Notes
Follow up with gratitude by sending short, appreciative thank you notes after meetings or interactions, acknowledging the other person’s time.
54. Don’t Take Calls During Exit
When exiting a meeting, if your phone rings, hit ‘calling you right back’ and walk away, rather than picking up the call in front of others.
55. Exit Without Production
Avoid making a grand production of your departure from a social gathering; a subtle ‘Irish goodbye’ is often preferred in large group settings.
6 Key Quotes
Etiquette is a skill for how to show up in a room with a low heart rate.
Sam Lessin
This isn't your one shot. You'll have other opportunities. You kind of want to show up with the self-confidence and the calm of abundance.
Sam Lessin
The point about etiquette is that it gets out of the way. It shouldn't be memorable.
Sam Lessin
You can make fun of yourself as much as you want. Making fun of other people shows an incredible level of familiarity.
Sam Lessin
The number one look way to look extremely classless is to not respect people who are helping the other person.
Sam Lessin
Carthage must burn.
Sam Lessin
2 Protocols
Remembering Table Settings (B&D Trick)
Sam Lessin- Look at your hands.
- Form a 'B' shape with your left hand (thumb and index finger forming a circle). This indicates your bread plate is on the left.
- Form a 'D' shape with your right hand (thumb and index finger forming a circle). This indicates your drinks are on the right.
Gracefully Ending a Conversation
Sam Lessin- Recognize the signs when the moment is passing or it's time to move on.
- Respect those signs.
- Optionally, bring someone else into the conversation to give them their next partner.
- Optionally, use a subtle excuse like 'I'm going to go grab a drink' (this is generally not an invitation to follow).
- For large group settings, an 'Irish goodbye' (disappearing without a production) can be appropriate.