How to speak more confidently and persuasively | Matt Abrahams (professor, podcast host, author, speaker)
Matt Abrahams, a Stanford GSB professor and author, shares techniques to reduce public speaking anxiety and improve on-the-spot communication. He covers strategies for prepared talks, Q&A, small talk, feedback, and apologies, emphasizing that speaking well is a career superpower.
Deep Dive Analysis
16 Topic Outline
Visualization for Managing Public Speaking Anxiety
The 'Dare to be Dull' Technique
Reframing Anxiety as Excitement
Using Mantras to Boost Speaking Confidence
Normalizing Public Speaking Anxiety
Using Conversation as a Communication Technique
The Double-Exhale Breathing Technique for Calmness
Getting Present-Oriented with Tongue Twisters
Broad Advice for Improving Spontaneous Speaking
Structuring Spontaneous Communication: PREP and What? So What? Now What?
Practice Resources: Toastmasters and Improv
Strategies for Better Small Talk
Giving Effective On-the-Spot Feedback
Improving Toasts and Tributes
Mastering Q&A Sessions
Apologizing Effectively
6 Key Concepts
Visualization for Speaking Anxiety
This technique involves mentally rehearsing a speaking event, seeing oneself successfully delivering the presentation and receiving a positive response. It helps desensitize individuals to the situation, making the actual event feel less novel and more comfortable.
Dare to be Dull
A concept from improvisation, this means giving oneself permission to simply be present and complete the task without striving for perfection. By reducing self-evaluation, it frees up cognitive resources, often leading to better and more authentic communication.
Cognitive Reframing
This technique involves consciously re-labeling the body's physiological arousal symptoms (like a fast heart rate or shakiness) from negative anxiety to positive excitement. Since the body's arousal response is similar for both, changing the label can lead to relaxation and improved performance.
Minimally Viable Communication
Similar to agile development, this approach emphasizes understanding your audience, rapidly prototyping what you want to say, and iterating based on feedback. It encourages putting together a rough draft and testing it out to refine your message effectively.
Shifting vs. Supporting Responses
In a conversation, a 'shifting response' redirects the focus back to oneself (e.g., 'Oh, you went to Costa Rica? I went to Hawaii!'), while a 'supporting response' encourages the other person to continue sharing (e.g., 'Oh, great! Did you visit the beaches?'). Good conversations balance both, with more supporting responses.
Embodied Cognition
This is the concept that what our body feels influences what our mind thinks. For example, physical sensations like holding a cold object can unconsciously affect how we perceive others, influencing our thoughts and emotional state.
12 Questions Answered
This advice is generally inappropriate and unhelpful; effective visualization should focus on seeing oneself successfully delivering the presentation and receiving a positive response, rather than imagining the audience in an uncomfortable way.
Mentally rehearsing the entire event, from approaching the stage to delivering the talk and stepping off, helps desensitize you to the situation, making the actual experience feel less new and more familiar, thereby increasing comfort and confidence.
By giving yourself permission to simply be present and get the task done without pressure to be perfect or overly interesting, you reduce self-evaluation, which frees up cognitive resources to focus on connecting with the audience and delivering your message effectively.
The body's physiological arousal response is similar for both anxiety and excitement; by consciously labeling the feeling as excitement, it can lead to a more positive mindset, relaxation, and improved communication performance.
Repeating a simple, positive mantra (e.g., 'I have value to bring' or 'I'm prepared') helps to quiet negative self-talk and shift your internal dialogue, reducing nervousness and boosting confidence before communication.
Recognizing that public speaking anxiety is a common, innate human experience, even for accomplished speakers, can reduce feelings of isolation and pressure, making individuals feel more comfortable and less alone in their nervousness.
By structuring formal communications like presentations or meetings as conversations (e.g., asking and answering questions to oneself), individuals can leverage the comfort they typically feel in conversational exchanges, thereby reducing anxiety.
The exhalation phase is critical for the relaxation response; making your exhale twice as long as your inhale (e.g., a three-count inhale and a six-count exhale) helps physiologically reduce stress and improve focus.
Preparation for spontaneous speaking involves deliberate practice and using communication structures, much like athletes or jazz musicians prepare, to effectively manage mindset and craft messages on the spot.
The best advice is to 'be interested, not interesting,' focusing on asking questions and setting up the other person to share, while also ensuring a balanced level of disclosure over time to foster connection.
Giving toasts and tributes is considered the most frequent public speaking event across various personal and professional settings.
Saying 'good question' can sound like a time-buying tactic or over-validation, and 'does that make sense?' can imply the speaker's explanation might be unclear; instead, it's better to ask 'Did I answer your question?' or 'Do you have a follow-up?'
27 Actionable Insights
1. Prepare to Be Spontaneous
Recognize that getting better at spontaneous speaking requires preparation and practice, similar to athletes or jazz musicians, as this foundational work improves your ability to respond effectively on the spot.
2. Structure On-the-Spot Communication
When speaking spontaneously, use a logical structure (beginning, middle, end) to organize your thoughts, as this halves your burden by providing a ‘how to say it’ framework, allowing you to focus on ‘what to say’.
3. Practice Communication Structures
To internalize communication structures, regularly apply them (e.g., summarizing podcasts with ‘What, So What, Now What’) and dissect others’ communication, as repetition, reflection, and feedback are key to improvement.
4. Visualize Success to Desensitize Anxiety
Before speaking, visualize yourself getting on stage, delivering well, and being well-received, as this desensitizes you and makes the event feel less new and novel, giving you a sense of agency.
5. Strive for Connection Over Perfection
Approach communication by daring to be dull and striving for connection over perfection, which dials down self-evaluation and frees up cognitive resources for better engagement and success.
6. Reframe Anxiety as Excitement
When feeling physical symptoms of anxiety, reframe them as signs of excitement, as the body’s arousal response is similar for both, and labeling it positively helps you relax and communicate better.
7. Adopt a Positive Mantra
Combat negative self-talk by repeating a simple, positive mantra like ‘I have value to bring’ before speaking, to turn down internal noise and remind yourself of your contribution.
8. Speaking Anxiety Is Normal
Recognize that public speaking anxiety is a normal human condition and that many successful communicators experience it, which can reduce the pressure you feel by normalizing the experience.
9. Frame Talks as Conversations
Reduce anxiety by reframing presentations or meetings as conversations, even with yourself (e.g., asking and answering questions), as people often feel more comfortable in conversational settings.
10. Distract Audience to Ease In
Start a presentation by briefly distracting the audience with a question, story, or video, to shift attention away from you for a moment, allowing you to calm down and ease into your content.
11. Practice Double Exhale Breathing
To calm yourself, practice deep belly breathing where your exhale is twice as long as your inhale (e.g., three counts in, six counts out), as the relaxation response happens during the exhale, slowing heart rate and improving focus.
12. Use Tongue Twisters to Get Present
Say tongue twisters out loud before speaking to get present-oriented and warm up your voice, as focusing on the twister prevents worrying about future outcomes and prepares your vocal cords.
13. Apply the PREP Structure
For making a point spontaneously, use the PREP structure: make your Point, give a Reason, provide an Example, and then restate your Point, to ensure clarity and impact.
14. Use What, So What, Now What
For broader presentations or updates, use the ‘What, So What, Now What’ structure: state ‘What’ you’re talking about, explain ‘So What’ (why it’s important), and outline ‘Now What’ (next steps), making information digestible and memorable.
15. Be Interested in Small Talk
Approach small talk by being interested in the other person rather than trying to be interesting yourself, as this fosters connection by setting them up for success and encouraging reciprocity.
16. Balance Disclosure in Small Talk
Maintain a comparable level of disclosure in small talk over time; if one person shares deeply, the other should eventually match that depth to avoid awkwardness and foster genuine connection.
17. Use Supporting Responses in Small Talk
In conversations, prioritize supporting responses (asking for more details) over shifting responses (changing the topic to yourself), to encourage the other person to share more and show genuine interest.
18. Frame Feedback as Problem Solving
View giving feedback as an opportunity to problem-solve collaboratively, rather than just delivering an opinion, which invites the other person to work with you on the issue.
19. Structure Feedback with What, So What, Now What
When giving feedback, use the ‘What, So What, Now What’ structure: describe ‘What’ happened, explain ‘So What’ (the impact/consequences), and suggest ‘Now What’ (what to do differently), for clear and actionable advice.
20. Apply the Four I’s Feedback Structure
For a robust feedback approach, use the ‘Four I’s’ structure: state the Information (what happened), describe the Impact (on you), offer an Invitation (to collaborate), and explain the Implications (consequences/benefits).
21. Use WHAT Structure for Toasts
For toasts and tributes, use the WHAT acronym: state Why you’re here, explain How you’re connected, share an Anecdote, and express Thanks/Gratitude, to keep it focused and impactful.
22. Be Brief in Toasts
Aim for brevity when giving toasts, as nobody complains about a toast that is too short, ensuring your message is concise and well-received.
23. Show Emotion Through Anecdotes
In toasts, convey genuine emotion by ‘showing’ it through relevant anecdotes and stories rather than just ’telling’ you’re emotional, as this connects more deeply with the audience.
24. View Q&A as Opportunity
Approach Q&A sessions as opportunities to extend, expand, connect, and learn, rather than as threats, even in hostile situations, to maximize value.
25. Use the ADD Structure for Q&A
When answering questions, use the ADD structure: Answer cleanly, give a Detailed example, and Describe the relevance/significance, to provide complete and impactful responses.
26. Use AAA for Apologies
For effective apologies, use the AAA structure: Acknowledge the specific behavior/offense, Appreciate the difficulty/impact caused, and make Amends by stating specific actions to remedy the situation.
27. Apologize for Actions, Not Feelings
When apologizing, focus on acknowledging the specific transgression or problem you caused, rather than just saying ‘I’m sorry you feel bad,’ to take responsibility and make a genuine apology.
7 Key Quotes
Strive for connection over perfection by daring to be dull.
Matt Abrahams
You actually have to prepare to be spontaneous.
Matt Abrahams
The magic of the relaxation happens during the exhale.
Matt Abrahams
The only way you get better at communication, spontaneous or planned, is the way you get better at anything: repetition, reflection, and feedback.
Matt Abrahams
Be interested, not interesting.
Rachel Greenwald (quoted by Matt Abrahams)
Don't tell, show.
One panel cartoonist (quoted by Matt Abrahams)
The funny thing about common sense is it's not so common.
Psychology professor (quoted by Matt Abrahams)
6 Protocols
PREP Structure for Spontaneous Speaking
Matt Abrahams- Make your point.
- Give a reason for making that point.
- Give an example.
- Restate your point.
What? So What? Now What? Structure
Matt Abrahams- What: Describe your product, service, offering, update, or feedback.
- So What: Explain why it is important and relevant to the people you're talking to or your company.
- Now What: Outline what comes next or what actions will be taken.
Four I's Structure for Giving Feedback
Matt Abrahams- Information: Set the playing field, so the person knows what the feedback is about.
- Impact: Explain the impact of the behavior on you, the feedback giver.
- Invitation: Make an invitation to collaborate on a solution or discuss further.
- Implications: Discuss the benefits or consequences of the behavior for the project or team.
WHAT Structure for Toasts and Tributes
Matt Abrahams- W (Why are we here?): State the purpose of the gathering or celebration (if not obvious).
- H (How are you connected?): Explain your relationship to the event or person being honored.
- A (Anecdote): Tell a relevant, accessible, and concise story or example.
- T (Thanks/Gratitude): Express gratitude and offer a signal of closure (e.g., 'cheers').
ADD Structure for Q&A Sessions
Matt Abrahams- Answer: Provide a clean and concise answer to the question.
- Detailed Example: Give an example to reinforce the answer.
- Describe Relevance: Explain the significance or relevance of the answer to the audience.
AAA Approach for Apologizing
Matt Abrahams- Acknowledge: Clearly state the specific behavior or offense committed (not just how it made someone feel).
- Appreciate: Express understanding or appreciation for the difficulty or impact caused to the other person.
- Amend: State a specific action you will take to remedy the situation or prevent future occurrences.