Behaviour Change Scientist: How I Lost 120lbs With Kindness: Shahroo Izadi
Sheru Izadi, an expert in breaking bad habits and beating addiction, discusses her journey from binge eating and low self-esteem to self-compassion. She shares actionable strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome, changing ingrained behaviors, and cultivating a kinder, more effective approach to self-improvement.
Deep Dive Analysis
15 Topic Outline
Shahroo Izadi's Background and Personal Journey
Early Struggles with Weight, Trauma, and Self-Esteem
The Impact of Societal Pressure and Conditional Kindness
Therapy's Turning Point: Embracing Self-Acceptance
Overarching Reasons Why People Fail at Habit Change
Understanding and Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
Addressing Low Self-Worth and Initiating Change
The 'Kindness Method': Combining Firmness with Compassion
Strategies for Managing Triggers and Preventing Relapse
The Philosophy Behind 'The Last Diet'
Reflecting on the Gastric Band Experience and Shame
First Actionable Step: Practicing Self-Talk Awareness
Current Relationship with Self and Food
Shahroo's Personal Mission and Future Goals
Is It Ever Appropriate to Hurt Someone's Feelings?
5 Key Concepts
Conditional Kindness
This is the belief that self-care, self-love, and positive self-treatment are only deserved or allowed once a specific goal, such as weight loss or success, has been achieved. This mindset often hinders progress by depriving individuals of the calm and positive feelings that could otherwise aid the change process.
Tough Love Self-Talk
This refers to an internal dialogue characterized by harsh criticism, blame, and negative assumptions about one's capacity for change. Shahroo argues this approach is counterproductive and 'not smart love,' as it disempowers individuals and is less effective than the supportive advice one would offer a loved one.
Reframing Challenge as Opportunity
This is a mental shift where difficulties, setbacks, or triggers encountered during the habit change process are viewed not as failures, but as chances to voluntarily demonstrate one's capability and commitment to their goals. This perspective helps build resilience and self-efficacy.
Imposing Friction
A strategy for habit change that involves making undesirable behaviors harder to perform by adding obstacles or steps, thereby disrupting autopilot actions. This creates moments for conscious decision-making, prompting individuals to reflect on whether the action aligns with their long-term goals.
Playing the Tape Forward
A technique, often used in addiction recovery, where an individual mentally visualizes the full sequence of events and consequences that would follow from engaging in an undesirable behavior. This preemption helps make potential relapses or anxious reactions more predictable and less personal, aiding in calm decision-making.
8 Questions Answered
People often fail because they focus on the long-term outcome rather than consistent daily actions, underestimate the need for self-compassion during setbacks, focus on their flaws instead of their strengths, and use 'tough love' self-talk that is counterproductive instead of the supportive advice they'd give a loved one.
Shahroo suggests that allowing oneself to acknowledge and accept that certain tasks are genuinely difficult (even if others perceive them as simple), and addressing underlying issues like binge eating and anxiety, can help individuals internalize their accomplishments and reduce feelings of being a fraud.
The first step is to establish an honest, non-judgmental baseline of your current situation, perhaps by writing a 'snapshot letter,' and then compassionately inquire into the reasons why you have developed your current patterns, rather than immediately seeking to fix yourself.
The best preparation involves anticipating that plans will not always go as intended and cultivating a compassionate yet firm internal conversation for those moments. This means reframing challenges as opportunities to voluntarily demonstrate your capacity for change.
It's akin to a parent dealing with a child who wants a treat: acknowledge and validate the discomfort ('I know why you feel this way, you deserve to feel this way') while firmly maintaining the boundary ('That doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want') until the new behavior becomes easier.
While removing triggers can help establish an initial streak, Shahroo's approach for the general population emphasizes 'imposing friction' (making undesirable actions harder) to disrupt autopilot behaviors and build self-trust around temptations, rather than relying solely on total abstinence.
She named it 'The Last Diet' because she believes traditional weight loss diets are ineffective and often lead to more severe issues like binge eating disorders, feelings of powerlessness, and a lack of self-trust, a cycle she is determined to end with her generation.
Yes, it can be appropriate if the responsibility for the hurt is not solely yours to carry and it's necessary to share that responsibility, even if hearing it is upsetting for the other person.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Treat Yourself Like Loved Ones
Apply the same compassionate, supportive, and empowering advice you would give to someone you love to yourself, especially when facing setbacks, to build self-esteem and get back on track effectively.
2. Practice Listening to Your Self-Talk
Actively listen to the internal dialogue you have with yourself, particularly when attempting to change a habit, as this process turns up the volume on your inner voice and reveals underlying assumptions.
3. Inquire into Your Story with Compassion
Instead of self-criticism, delve into the origins of your behaviors and self-perceptions with curiosity and compassion, understanding how you came to be this way without blame, and taking responsibility for change.
4. Use Habit Change to Update Self-Talk
View the discomfort of changing habits as a ‘Trojan horse’ to listen in on and debate with your unhelpful self-talk, allowing you to update old narratives and assumptions about yourself.
5. Disprove Negative Self-Talk with Evidence
Challenge the stubborn, negative stories you tell yourself by actively seeking and collecting evidence to the contrary, as many self-limiting beliefs are often untrue or outdated.
6. Combine Firmness and Compassion
When changing habits that involve discomfort (like cravings or urges), hold both firmness (sticking to your plan) and compassion (acknowledging the difficulty) in your self-talk, like a parent with a crying child, until the new behavior becomes easier.
7. Take Your Life Off Hold
Stop making kindness and self-care conditional on achieving a future goal; start doing the things you’ve been putting off now, as this will put you in a better position to achieve your goals more quickly.
8. Act as If You’ll Never Change
If you struggle with procrastination or conditional self-kindness, entertain the thought that you might never change and then immediately start doing the things you’ve been putting on hold, which can be a powerful catalyst for actual change.
9. Give Yourself Permission for Difficulty
Allow yourself to find certain tasks or changes incredibly difficult, even if others perceive them as simple, without internalizing it as a sign of weakness or stupidity, which helps overcome imposter syndrome and shame.
10. Focus on Demonstrating Capacity
Shift your focus from the long-term desired outcome to the immediate opportunity to demonstrate your capacity for change, as this day-to-day engagement is more compelling and sustainable than relying solely on future motivation.
11. Understand How Unhelpful Behaviors Serve You
Instead of viewing unhelpful behaviors as problems, inquire compassionately into how they might be serving you (e.g., as a solution to an underlying issue), to address the root cause rather than just the symptom.
12. Identify and Question Self-Talk Vocabulary
Write down the specific phrases and vocabulary you use when you fall off track, then reflect on whether this language is truly yours or if it’s external messaging you’ve internalized, making it easier to challenge and change.
13. Create a Non-Judgmental Snapshot
Begin any change process by writing a private, honest, and non-judgmental ‘snapshot letter’ of where you are currently, anchoring your starting point and helping you meet and accept yourself as you are.
14. Anticipate Fears and Downsides of Change
Before embarking on change, identify what you’re afraid you might have to experience or prove, or what if the outcome isn’t as good as you think, to proactively address these mental blocks.
15. Prepare for Motivation Dips
Assume your plans will not always go perfectly and that your motivation will waver; prepare for these moments by having a pre-planned, compassionate, and firm conversation with yourself to get back on track.
16. Add/Remove Friction for Habits
Make unwanted behaviors harder to do by adding friction (e.g., removing credit card details from delivery apps) and desired behaviors easier by removing friction (e.g., sleeping in gym clothes), to disrupt autopilot and encourage intentional choices.
17. Prevent Hunger to Avoid Late-Night Eating
To break the habit of late-night eating, ensure you are not hungry during those times, as addressing the physiological need can be a simple yet effective strategy.
18. Collect Evidence Against Your Worries
When experiencing anxiety, write down or record your worries and then reflect later on how often those feared outcomes actually materialized, using this evidence to calm your nervous system and reduce future anxiety.
19. Preempt Anxiety by Playing Tape Forward
Anticipate predictable anxiety responses by ‘playing the tape forward’ and mentally preparing for how you’ll feel after a challenging event, making the anxiety less personal and more predictable.
20. Use Breath Work to Calm Anxiety
Incorporate breath work and other calming techniques to manage anxiety, helping to create a separation between your thoughts and current reality, and fostering a curious, compassionate perspective on your mental state.
7 Key Quotes
I wasn't meant to be making my body smaller. I was meant to understand why I didn't like myself enough to take the same advice I'd give someone else.
Shahroo Izadi
What if you never change?
Shahroo Izadi's Therapist
It turns out if you start from a place of feeling like shit and depriving yourself of all the stuff that makes you feel calm and positive, it's considerably harder to impose that space and to calmly decide which version of yourself you want to behave from.
Shahroo Izadi
Tough love when you're speaking to yourself often isn't very smart love.
Shahroo Izadi
The best bet you have is the conversation you have with yourself when your plans don't go to plan.
Shahroo Izadi
Compassion. I know why you feel this way. Of course you feel this way. You deserve to feel this way. You scream all you want, babe. That doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want.
Shahroo Izadi
I am determined to have binge eating and powerlessness and lack of trust that people have as a direct result of weight loss diets to die with my generation.
Shahroo Izadi
3 Protocols
Starting a Habit Change Process
Shahroo Izadi- Get an honest baseline of where you are now, without judgment (e.g., write a 'snapshot letter').
- Understand why you've come to be this way through curious and compassionate inquiry.
- Identify the gap between the advice you'd give someone you love and the advice you give yourself.
- Anticipate future challenges and prepare for the conversation you'll have with yourself when plans don't go as intended.
- Reframe challenges as opportunities to voluntarily demonstrate your capacity.
Managing Undesirable Cravings/Habits
Shahroo Izadi- Identify the specific undesirable habit or craving.
- Impose friction by making it harder to perform the undesirable action (e.g., remove car details from delivery apps, put a 'sweetie drawer' somewhere less accessible).
- Make desirable actions easier (e.g., sleep in gym kit if you hate exercise).
- Engage in an internal conversation that combines firmness (not giving in) with compassion (acknowledging the discomfort) until the new behavior becomes easier.
Calming Anxiety
Shahroo Izadi- Write down or record worries and predictions about what might happen.
- Reflect on past instances where similar worries did not materialize, using this as evidence against current anxieties.
- Practice breath work.
- Understand anxiety as the brain's attempt to keep you safe, making it less personal.
- Preempt anxious reactions by 'playing the tape forward,' anticipating how you might feel after an event, to make it more predictable and less overwhelming.