E44: The lessons we MUST learn before 2020.
This episode features Stephen Bartlett reflecting on key lessons from his diary for the new year. He shares insights on prioritizing what truly matters, fostering team productivity through social norms, and the importance of self-awareness in personal growth and relationships.
Deep Dive Analysis
9 Topic Outline
Reflecting on 2019 and Setting 2020 Goals
Stop Catching Rocks: Prioritizing Energy on What Matters
Personal Learning: Navigating Gender Sensitivity as a Male Leader
Motivating Teams: The Surprising Truth About Social vs. Market Norms
Prioritizing Happiness: Walking Away from Difficult Relationships
Understanding Context Over Labels: Laziness and Procrastination
Predictably Irrational: The Impact of Relative Comparison
Coping with Copycats and Embracing Change
Relationships: Two Reasons for a 'Shit Love Life'
6 Key Concepts
Catching Rocks
This metaphor describes spending valuable time and energy on meaningless, worthless things that yield no reward, such as engaging with internet trolls or passive-aggressive comments. It highlights the importance of discerning what truly matters and conserving energy for meaningful pursuits.
Social Norms
These are unwritten rules that encourage community, reciprocity, and mutual favors without immediate expectation of payment or invoice. When applied in professional settings, social norms can foster loyalty, engagement, and often lead to higher productivity than transactional market norms.
Market Norms
These are professional or business-related rules that are transactional, where payment or immediate reciprocation is expected for services rendered. The episode explains that mixing market norms with social norms can diminish performance and loyalty, as the introduction of monetary value can erode intrinsic motivation.
Context over Labels
This concept suggests that judging oneself or others with rigid labels (e.g., lazy, procrastinator, cold) often stems from a lack of understanding the full context behind their behavior. Understanding the missing context allows for empathy, self-improvement, and overcoming perceived flaws, as labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Predictably Irrational Behavior
This refers to the idea that human decisions are not always rational but are often influenced by unconscious forces, instincts, impulses, and comparisons. These irrationalities are predictable, meaning that by manipulating the context in which something is seen, one can influence the choices people make.
Relativity in Perception
People tend to perceive themselves and things not in absolute terms but in comparison to something else. While this can be helpful, it can also lead to misery and feelings of inadequacy when individuals compare themselves unfavorably to others, especially on social media, by following aspirational but often superficial accounts.
7 Questions Answered
Focus your energy on 'big fish' (things worth catching) and let the 'rocks' (meaningless, worthless engagements like internet trolls or passive-aggressive comments) go, recognizing that life is finite and valuable time should be spent on what truly matters.
Cultivate social norms, such as gratitude and reciprocity, rather than relying solely on market norms (monetary compensation). Studies show that people operating under social norms, even when unpaid, are often more productive and engaged.
These labels often arise when we don't fully understand the context behind a person's behavior, including our own. Understanding the missing context can reveal underlying psychological barriers or alternative productive efforts that are not immediately apparent.
Social media encourages unfavorable relative comparisons, as people tend to follow aspirational figures. This constant comparison can make individuals feel inadequate, inferior, and unworthy, leading to mild depression and a pursuit of shallow values.
Don't exert energy complaining, as anything easily copied is not truly valuable. The unique, raw, and unmimicable inspiration behind what you do is your inherent value and cannot be replicated.
Embrace change with excitement, viewing it as an opportunity. Change closes one door but swings open another, often more valuable, door that no one has walked through yet, allowing for adaptation and new growth.
Either they haven't met the right person yet (requiring time and patience) or they are not yet the 'right person' themselves (requiring self-awareness and self-development, potentially therapy).
9 Actionable Insights
1. Stop Catching Rocks
Cease expending energy, emotion, and time on meaningless, worthless things like internet trolls or passive-aggressive comments. Instead, focus your efforts on ‘big fish’ – the truly valuable pursuits that matter in the finite context of your life.
2. Cultivate Social Norms in Teams
Increase loyalty, engagement, and productivity within teams, groups, and relationships by fostering social norms like gratitude and reciprocity, rather than relying solely on transactional market norms. This approach requires genuine, mutual reciprocation.
3. Prioritize Happiness Over History
Be willing to walk away from people, even close friends or family, who cause significant emotional harm, prioritizing your present happiness over historical ties. This difficult decision can be essential for your well-being.
4. Challenge Self-Labels & Seek Context
Avoid labeling yourself or others (e.g., lazy, procrastinator) as these can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, seek to understand the underlying context or psychological barriers causing behavior, which is key to overcoming issues and fostering freedom.
5. Reduce Your Comparison Circle
Combat feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and misery by reducing your circle of comparison, both in real life and digitally. Curate your social media to unfollow people who promote shallow or superficial values that lead to unhealthy relative comparisons.
6. Embrace Change as Opportunity
View change, whether in business or personal life, with excitement rather than fear. Change closes one door but swings open new, often more valuable, opportunities, making adaptation a crucial and beneficial strategy.
7. Don’t Fear Being Copied
Recognize that while people may copy your actions, they cannot replicate your true, raw, and unmimicable inspiration or inherent value. Avoid wasting energy complaining about being copied, as anything easily copied is not truly valuable.
8. Take Responsibility for Relationship Patterns
In your romantic life, take responsibility for your own patterns and underlying issues through self-awareness and self-development, rather than blaming others. This is the only way to break cycles of disappointment and become ’the right person’ for a healthy relationship.
9. Be Conscious of Language and Actions
As a leader, be extremely conscious and careful about the words you use and the actions you exhibit, especially in today’s sensitive climate. This heightened awareness is crucial for navigating social dynamics and upholding personal values.
10 Key Quotes
Our misery and our lack of productivity and generally our wastage I think comes from having a priorities issue.
Stephen Bartlett
Life is going to keep tugging on your rod every single day it's going to keep trying to get you to engage in meaningless pointless bullshit.
Stephen Bartlett
The people who weren't paid anything were the most productive of all the groups.
Stephen Bartlett
Money it turns out is a very costly and ineffective way to motivate people.
Stephen Bartlett
The people that are hardest to walk away from are often the people we need to walk away from the most.
Stephen Bartlett
If a person's behavior doesn't make sense to you, if your own behavior doesn't make sense to you instead of labeling yourself something... it's probably because you are missing a part of their context a part of your own context.
Stephen Bartlett
We think we're in the driver's seat in life we think we're steering the course of our lives but we are wrong.
Stephen Bartlett
Anything that can be easily copied is not valuable so don't sweat it when your competitors or others copy you.
Stephen Bartlett
The only thing as they say that is inevitable is change itself.
Stephen Bartlett
There are probably only two possible reasons why any of us are having a shit love life or we're single: The first reason... is we've not met the right person yet and the second reason is you're not the right person yet.
Stephen Bartlett
3 Protocols
Strategy for 2020: Stop Catching Rocks
Stephen Bartlett- Recognize that life will constantly try to get you to engage in meaningless, pointless things.
- Only exert energy and try to catch a 'fish' when you know it's a big one worth catching.
- Let all the 'rocks' (worthless engagements) go, understanding they will yield nothing at the end of your 'fishing expedition'.
Remedy for Unfavorable Social Media Comparison
Stephen Bartlett- Reduce the size of your circle of comparison, including your digital online circle.
- Make healthier comparisons, unfollowing or muting people who don't provide positive, substantive inspiration.
- Focus on internal substance and substantive values rather than superficial lives.
Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Disappointment
Stephen Bartlett- Engage in self-awareness and self-development to become the 'right person' if your struggles stem from internal issues.
- Take responsibility for your own 'bullshit' rather than resorting to blame, even if it challenges your self-esteem.
- Consider therapy to understand your own context and overcome psychological barriers learned from past experiences.