Harvard’s Behaviour Expert: The Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You!
Harvard Professor Alison Wood Brooks, a behavioral scientist, shares insights from two decades of conversational science. She reveals common communication mistakes, the art of negotiation, and strategies to improve likability and relationships.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
Introduction to Conversational Science and Common Mistakes
Reframing Anxiety as Excitement for Better Performance
Negotiation Strategies and Asking for a Salary Raise
The Conversational Compass: Understanding Communication Goals
Effective Apologies and When to Avoid Over-Apologizing
Navigating Disagreements: The Power of Validation
The TALK Framework: Topics and Preparation
The Power of Asking Questions for Connection and Likability
The Importance of Kindness and Respectful Language
Levity: Humor and Warmth in Conversations
Introversion, Extroversion, and Group Dynamics
The 'Contribution Score' in Group Conversations
The Challenge of Male Friendships and Vulnerability
Questions to Build Liking and Connection
Persuasion and the Importance of Listening
Communication in the Digital Age and AI's Impact
Strategic Authenticity vs. Full Self at Work
Teaching Children Communication Skills
6 Key Concepts
Reframing Anxiety as Excitement
This concept suggests that anxiety and excitement are physiologically similar high-arousal states. By consciously telling oneself 'I'm excited,' individuals can shift their appraisal of the emotion, leading to a focus on opportunities rather than threats and improved performance.
Conversational Compass
A framework for understanding conversational goals, it uses an X-axis (relationship: serving others vs. serving self) and a Y-axis (information exchange: accurate information vs. concealing/low information). This helps plot various goals like connection, savoring, protection, and persuasion.
Receptiveness to Opposing Viewpoints
This is a skill and mindset for managing disagreements by resisting the natural human instinct to judge or win. Instead, it involves validating the other person's feelings and using hedging language to keep the conversation open and constructive, even when disagreeing vehemently.
Boomer-Asking (Boomerang-Asking)
This describes the conversational mistake where a person asks a question, receives a self-disclosure from the other person, and then immediately redirects the conversation back to themselves with a personal anecdote, rather than asking follow-up questions about the other person's shared experience.
Contribution Score
An informal metric in group conversations, similar to a credit score, based on the perceived thoughtfulness and value of an individual's previous contributions. A high score means others are more likely to pay attention and value their input, while a low score can lead to pre-dismissal of their ideas.
Strategic Authenticity
This concept suggests that rather than bringing one's 'full self' to every situation, which can be unproductive, individuals should bring their core values while strategically adjusting their behavior to fit the specific context and needs of the conversation or environment.
8 Questions Answered
By consciously telling yourself 'I'm excited,' you shift your appraisal of a high-arousal state, leading you to focus on opportunities rather than threats, which can improve performance in various tasks like singing or public speaking.
The most effective apology involves taking ownership of the mistake, expressing genuine sorrow, and crucially, making a concrete promise to change future behavior, rather than making excuses or over-apologizing.
Validate the other person's feelings by saying 'It makes sense that you feel X about Y' before expressing disagreement, as this makes them feel heard and safe, allowing the conversation to continue constructively.
The top-line advice is to ask many more questions, especially follow-up questions, as this signals interest, makes others feel heard, and helps you learn about their experiences.
Men often struggle with vulnerability, which is a key component of deep friendship, as they have been socialized to view it as a weakness, making it hard for them to move beyond activity-based interactions to share feelings and struggles.
Persuasion often happens over time through building trust, liking, and admiration; by being receptive to opposing viewpoints, validating others' feelings, and listening intently, you increase their willingness to engage and consider your perspective.
Face-to-face conversations are uniquely engaging and create real memories, whereas digital communications, despite their efficiency, often lack the depth and human connection that our brains evolved to process, leading to feelings of unreality and disconnection.
No, 'strategic authenticity' is more effective, meaning one should bring their core values but adjust their behavior to fit the specific needs and context of the situation, as constantly bringing one's 'full self' can be unproductive and overwhelming.
21 Actionable Insights
1. Reframe Anxiety as Excitement
When feeling anxious, consciously reframe it as excitement by saying “I’m excited” out loud, as both emotions are high arousal. This shifts focus to opportunities and improves performance in various situations.
2. Validate Others’ Feelings First
In moments of disagreement, validate the other person’s feelings by saying “It makes sense that you feel X about Y” before expressing your own viewpoint. This makes them feel heard and keeps the conversation constructive.
3. Prioritize Others’ Needs for Value
Focus on being valuable to your organization and meeting your boss’s needs, rather than solely on your own wants. This approach makes you indispensable, often leading to desired outcomes like raises without needing to ask.
4. Eliminate “I Disagree” and “But”
Avoid starting conversations or counterpoints with “I disagree” or “but,” as these phrases immediately put others on the defensive and shut down receptiveness. Instead, use “yes, and” or validate their point before offering a different perspective.
5. Ask More Follow-Up Questions
Ask many more questions, especially follow-up questions, to show interest, make others feel heard, and deepen conversations. This is crucial for building relationships and understanding others’ perspectives.
6. Pre-Plan Conversation Topics
Spend 10-30 seconds before a conversation to think about potential topics or important points to discuss. This reduces anxiety, makes conversations smoother, and helps you remember to ask about things important to the other person.
7. Embrace Vulnerability for Friendship
To build meaningful friendships, consistently interact, maintain positivity, and most importantly, practice vulnerability by sharing your feelings, struggles, hopes, and dreams with others.
8. Validate to Persuade Effectively
To be more persuasive, first validate the other person’s views and ensure they feel heard and understood. This builds trust and keeps them engaged, making them more receptive to your ideas over time.
9. Avoid Boomerang Asking
After someone shares information in response to your question, resist the urge to immediately redirect the conversation back to yourself with your own related story. Instead, ask follow-up questions about their experience to show genuine interest.
10. Use Verbal Cues for Listening
Beyond silent nodding, actively demonstrate listening through verbal cues such as validating, affirming, asking follow-up questions, or paraphrasing what others have said. This shows genuine engagement and curiosity.
11. Transition from Small Talk Quickly
While small talk is a necessary social ritual, avoid staying there too long. After one or two exchanges, quickly transition to more personalized “medium talk” or “deep talk” to build genuine connection.
12. Employ Levity for Engagement
Use humor and warmth (levity) to keep conversations engaging and prevent boredom or disinterest. Mutual engagement is crucial for achieving any conversational goals, from connection to persuasion.
13. Practice Respectful Language
Demonstrate kindness through respectful language, such as correctly using people’s names and adjusting your formality to the situation. These small choices significantly impact how interactions unfold.
14. Incorporate Callbacks to Show Listening
Make callbacks to previous topics or details shared by others to demonstrate active listening, retention, and genuine interest. This strengthens connection and can be particularly effective when ending a conversation.
15. Communicate Your Energy Levels
Recognize that conversation is effortful and requires energy. If you’re low on energy, communicate your state (e.g., “I’m on 10% today”) to your conversation partners, allowing them to adjust expectations and give you grace.
16. Effective Apologies: Own and Change
When apologizing, take ownership of your mistake without making excuses and explicitly promise a concrete plan for how you will change your behavior in the future. Avoid apologizing more than twice in one conversation to prevent revisiting negativity.
17. Strengthen Your Negotiation BATNA
Before a negotiation, like asking for a raise, strengthen your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) by securing other offers. This increases your personal power and leverage.
18. Ask “What Are You Excited About?”
Use the question “What are you excited about lately?” as a go-to conversation starter. It’s revealing of what’s top of mind for the other person and provides a natural path for follow-up questions and deeper engagement.
19. Prioritize Face-to-Face Communication
Recognize that face-to-face conversations are uniquely “real” and engaging compared to digital interactions. Prioritize in-person communication for building genuine connections and creating lasting memories.
20. End Conversations Assertively
Since there’s no perfect timing to end a conversation, be assertive and conclude it rather than prolonging it with hesitation. This prevents awkwardness and embarrassment.
21. Practice Strategic Authenticity
Instead of bringing your “whole self” to every situation, practice strategic authenticity by adjusting your behavior to fit the context and needs of the conversation. This allows you to embody your core values while being an effective communicator.
6 Key Quotes
All of life is about relationships, and relationships are about talking.
Alison Wood Brooks
It makes sense that you feel X about Y.
Alison Wood Brooks
I would love to get rid of the word but.
Alison Wood Brooks
The only way that we change our beliefs is usually across many conversations, and we're around someone we like talking to and respect and have admiration for.
Alison Wood Brooks
Talk is the advantage that humans have over AI.
Alison Wood Brooks
Good conversationalists adjust.
Alison Wood Brooks
2 Protocols
Reframing Anxiety as Excitement
Alison Wood Brooks- Identify feelings of nervousness or anxiety before a high-stakes situation (e.g., public speaking, negotiation, meeting new people).
- Verbally state, 'I'm excited' out loud.
- Focus on potential opportunities and how things could go well, rather than threats.
10 Questions to Fall in Like
Alison Wood Brooks- What are you excited about lately?
- What is something you're good at but don't like doing?
- What's something you're bad at but love to do?
- Is there something you'd like to learn more about?
- Is there something you'd like to learn how to do?
- What can we celebrate about you?
- Has someone made you laugh recently?
- What's something cute your kid, friend, pet, or partner has been doing?
- Did you grow up in a city?
- Have you fallen in love with any new music, books, movies, shows lately?