Mel Robbins: "Saying These 2 Words Will Fix Your Anxiety!" The New Trick For Stress, Anxiety & Breaking Every Bad Habit In 2024!
Mel Robbins, an expert on confidence and motivation, joins to discuss how to overcome feeling stuck and make significant life changes. She shares the 'Let Them' theory, strategies for discerning right decisions, and the importance of action over motivation, alongside personal insights into ADHD and menopause.
Deep Dive Analysis
12 Topic Outline
The Difficulty of Change and Unreliable Motivation
Introduction to the 'Let Them' Theory
Understanding Your Inner Compass and Decision-Making
Why People Struggle to Change and the Role of Hope
The Biological Chain of Events and Behavior-First Approach
Mel Robbins' ADHD Diagnosis and Its Impact
ADHD Presentation in Boys vs. Girls and Link to Anxiety
The Connection Between ADHD and Childhood Trauma
Navigating the Challenges and Confusion of Menopause
Auditing Your Life and Setting Goals
The Purpose of Dreams and Jealousy as Blocked Desire
The Power of Sharing Personal Struggles and Vulnerability
7 Key Concepts
Inner Compass
This is a natural intelligence hardwired within every person from birth, constantly signaling what is uniquely aligned for them based on their experiences, DNA, and generational wisdom. The challenge often lies not in the compass's accuracy, but in one's courage to listen and follow it.
Decision Feeling Test
To discern if a decision is right or wrong, observe the feeling it evokes: a right decision, even if scary, will create a sense of expansion and possibility, while a wrong decision will lead to a feeling of shrinking, constraint, or depleted energy.
Biological Chain of Events
This describes the rapid sequence in which humans process stimuli: sensation leads to perception, then feeling/emotion, then thought, and finally action. Understanding this chain reveals how emotions and ingrained patterns often drive behavior, rather than conscious thought.
Behavior First Approach
This strategy for change involves consciously taking actions consistent with the person you aspire to be, even when you don't feel motivated or disciplined. Over time, seeing yourself take these actions changes your self-perception and reinforces new habits, working faster than waiting for mindset shifts.
Temporal Landmark
These are moments of significance that create a 'before and an after,' such as birthdays, the first of a month, or January 1st. They serve as psychological triggers that can motivate people to start new habits or set goals due to the perceived fresh start.
Jealousy as Blocked Desire
Jealousy is reframed as a signal of authentic, unacknowledged desire. You cannot feel jealous of someone unless you genuinely want something they possess, and the negative feeling arises because you've subconsciously told yourself you cannot have it.
ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)
ADHD is not solely about an inability to pay attention, but rather a difficulty in regulating focus, where the brain's 'conductor' struggles to quiet ambient noise and amplify attention on a specific task. In women, it often presents as inattentiveness and disorganization, frequently leading to anxiety if undiagnosed.
8 Questions Answered
One doesn't need to turn back, but can metaphorically 'pull over,' stop, assess their current position, and tune into their inner navigation system to pivot in a new direction. Paying attention to negative emotions like jealousy, frustration, or anger can also serve as directional signals for needed change.
It is difficult to change because humans are hardwired to spot and repeat patterns, and attempting something new naturally triggers a fear response. People typically change only when the pain of maintaining the status quo outweighs the pain of making a change, or when they encounter a story that ignites hope.
When a decision is aligned with your inner wisdom, you will feel a sense of expansion and possibility, despite any nervousness. Conversely, a wrong decision will evoke feelings of shrinking, constraint, or depleted energy when you get quiet and tune in.
Motivation is an unreliable tool for change because it is often absent when most needed. Instead, it's more effective to understand the biological chain of events (sensation, perception, feeling, thought, action) and adopt a 'behavior-first' approach, taking action even when unmotivated.
The 'Let Them' theory involves consciously stopping efforts to control other people's actions, opinions, or reactions. This frees up significant personal energy and attention, forcing one to acknowledge their own feelings and take responsibility for their own desires and actions, leading to greater peace and self-control.
The number one consequence of undiagnosed ADHD in women is the development of anxiety. Girls often present with inattentive and disorganized symptoms, leading to internal alarm and self-doubt, which is then frequently treated as anxiety without addressing the underlying ADHD.
Start by auditing your current life categories (e.g., relationships, money, health) and ranking your satisfaction in each. Then, set goals to improve each category by a few points, defining what that improved state would look like, as it's impossible to set directions without knowing your starting point.
Dreams serve as beacons in the future, acting as directional signals to prompt you to look ahead and consider new paths. They reveal what your mind, body, and spirit authentically desire, even if that desire initially manifests as jealousy towards others.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Embrace the ‘Let Them’ Theory
Stop trying to control everyone around you, as this wastes immense energy and ruins relationships. By saying ’let them,’ you acknowledge what’s happening, reduce personal stress, and are forced to look back at yourself and take responsibility for your own needs and desires.
2. Prioritize Action Over Motivation
Do not rely on motivation, as it’s often absent when needed. Instead, make a decision to act like the person you want to become, even if you don’t feel like it. Consistent action changes how you view yourself, leading to faster personal transformation.
3. Listen to Your Inner Compass
Trust your natural intelligence and inner compass, which constantly signals what is uniquely aligned for you. The challenge isn’t the signal’s accuracy, but your courage to follow it, as it often requires stepping into the new and uncertain.
4. Discern Decisions by Feeling
When making a decision, get quiet and notice how it feels. A decision aligned with your true self will bring a sense of expansion and possibility, even if scary, while a wrong decision will evoke feelings of shrinking, constraint, or depletion.
5. Reverse the Action Chain
Understand that sensations, perceptions, feelings, and thoughts typically precede action. To change unwanted patterns, reverse this order by taking action first, rather than waiting for positive emotions or thoughts to drive your behavior.
6. Accept Discomfort for Growth
Recognize that you may never ’like’ doing certain necessary things (e.g., exercising, healthy eating), but you can still choose to do them. This commitment to action, despite discomfort, prevents emotions and fears from controlling your life.
7. Prioritize Your Peace
Actively choose to ‘stay in your peace and stay in your power’ by not allowing yourself to be agitated or frustrated by others’ actions. This involves letting people have their emotional reactions without taking responsibility for managing them.
8. Audit Your Life Before Setting Goals
Before setting new goals, conduct an honest assessment of where you currently stand in various life categories (e.g., relationships, health, finances) by ranking them. This provides a clear starting point and helps define realistic next steps for improvement.
9. Use Jealousy as a Dream Indicator
Pay attention to who you are jealous of or inspired by, as jealousy is often ‘blocked desire.’ This emotion can reveal authentic dreams and desires, pointing you in a new direction by showing you what you genuinely want but might subconsciously believe you can’t have.
10. Address Underlying Trauma for ADHD
If you or a loved one has an ADHD diagnosis, especially as an adult woman, consider the potential link to childhood trauma. Understanding this connection can help address underlying issues like anxiety and guide a more effective path to healing and symptom management.
11. Rewire Your Nervous System
Undertake the long-term challenge of rewiring your nervous system to deprioritize pathways driven by trauma, fear, or anxiety. This involves gaining self-awareness and utilizing tools like therapy and behavioral activation to prevent these default responses from controlling your life.
12. Cultivate Hope for Change
If you feel stuck or on a downward spiral, actively seek out stories of others who have overcome similar challenges. This can ignite a ‘what if?’ moment, providing the hope necessary to believe that change is possible and worth pursuing.
7 Key Quotes
Motivation's garbage because it's not there when you need it.
Mel Robbins
Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of making a change.
Steven Bartlett
You cannot change another person. People only change when they're ready to change.
Mel Robbins
I will never like getting out of bed, and I still get out of bed when the alarm rings.
Mel Robbins
The fastest way to take control of your life is to stop controlling everyone around you.
Mel Robbins
Jealousy is just blocked desire.
Mel Robbins
The dream's purpose in your life is to get your head out of the sand and to look out ahead to point you in a different direction.
Mel Robbins
4 Protocols
How to Make Your Next Big Move
Mel Robbins- Pay attention to what 'sucks' in your life (e.g., jealousy, frustration, anger).
- Recognize these negative emotions as positive directional signals from deep inside you, telling you to pivot and make a change, rather than continuing in the same direction or speed.
Using the 'Let Them' Theory for Peace and Control
Mel Robbins- Notice when you feel agitated or frustrated by what other people are doing or not doing.
- Internally or externally say 'let them,' acknowledging the situation and your emotional reaction to it.
- By no longer focusing on controlling others, you are forced to look inward and take responsibility for what you want in your own life, leading to a sense of peace and self-preservation.
Setting Meaningful Goals
Mel Robbins- Take out a blank piece of paper and write out all the categories of your life (e.g., relationships, money, health, happiness).
- Rank where you currently are in each category (e.g., on a scale of one to ten) and explain your reasoning.
- Set a goal to make each number two or three points higher, defining what that improved state would look like for you.
Identifying Your Dreams
Mel Robbins- Get quiet and tune into what your mind, body, and spirit are telling you, aiming your 'inner compass' into the distance.
- Ask yourself where you want to go in five or ten years.
- Identify who you are either inspired by or jealous of, and then get curious about the exact underlying desire behind that feeling, as these dreams serve as directional beacons.