Moment 109 - How to Overcome & Push Through Your Hardest Times: John Eckbert
The speaker recounts navigating a painful divorce and the "Leave to Remove" process, which separated him from his children. He discusses how work provided stability and purpose during this time, and shares insights on coping with chaos, focusing on controllables, and fostering an honest work culture.
Deep Dive Analysis
10 Topic Outline
Experiencing a Painful Divorce and 'Leave to Remove'
Personal Crisis and Professional Obligations
Work as an Escape and Coping Mechanism
The Importance of Showing Up and Trust
Distinguishing Controllable vs. Uncontrollable Aspects of Life
Human Connection as Life's Purpose
Gratitude for Difficult Life Experiences
Finding Belonging and Purpose in a Business Community
Cultivating a Culture of Truth and Accountability in Leadership
The Power of Publicly Owning Mistakes as a Leader
3 Key Concepts
Leave to Remove
This is a UK legal process that grants one parent the right to take their children out of the country, which can be incredibly painful for the other parent who remains. It challenges one's identity as a parent and causes significant anxiety.
Controllable vs. Uncontrollable
This mental model suggests dividing life's challenges into two categories: things you can control and things you cannot. Allocating mental energy to only the controllable aspects is crucial for mental health and effective action, as focusing on the uncontrollable can lead to distraction and distress.
Emperor Has No Clothes
This metaphor describes a dangerous business scenario where the most powerful person (the CEO) has obvious blind spots or makes mistakes, but no one dares to tell them the truth. This lack of honest feedback can lead to significant business errors and a dysfunctional culture.
5 Questions Answered
'Leave to Remove' is a court-approved right for one parent to take their children out of the country, which can be a deeply painful and identity-challenging experience for the other parent.
Despite immense personal anxiety and challenges, John found his work at Five Guys to be a stable and productive escape, allowing him to set aside personal worries for hours each day and fulfill court-ordered financial obligations.
The strategy involves identifying what you can and cannot control, then allocating 100% of your mental energy to the things you can control, accepting that some things are beyond your influence.
John Eckbert believes that human connection is our purpose in life, and that we are made to connect with other human beings, even through challenging interactions.
A CEO can cultivate this culture by publicly owning their mistakes, admitting when they are wrong, and demonstrating a willingness to respond positively to challenges and feedback from their team members.
10 Actionable Insights
1. Focus on Controllable Factors
Allocate your mental energy and time solely to things you can control, as focusing on uncontrollable aspects leads to distraction and distress. This is your job as a human, and ignoring it is “arrogance and ignorance.”
2. Prioritize Present Moment Focus
On tough days, commit 100% of your mental energy to what you can control today. Dwelling on the past can lead to depression, and worrying about the future causes anxiety, whereas focusing on the present is conducive to both success and mental health.
3. Leaders Publicly Own Mistakes
As a leader, publicly acknowledge and own your mistakes, such as admitting you were wrong or “off your game” in a previous meeting. This gives everyone else permission to be honest, challenge power with truth, and fosters a culture where changing one’s mind is acceptable.
4. Cultivate Truth-Telling Culture
Actively foster an environment where team members can confront power with truth, telling leaders when they’ve “fucked up” or made unhelpful comments. This prevents the “emperor has no clothes” syndrome, which is dangerous for a business by addressing blind spots.
5. Practice Daily Consistency
In difficult times, adopt the habit of “just keep showing up” and doing the next thing, even when motivation is low. Consistent daily effort, like practicing an instrument, can lead to competence and help you navigate through challenging periods.
6. Utilize Work as Productive Escape
During periods of intense personal anxiety or chaos, immerse yourself in productive work for several hours a day. This can be “enormously relieving” by allowing you to set aside personal anxieties and focus on something you’re good at that makes a difference.
7. Maintain Human Connection
Recognize human connection as a core purpose in life and actively work to maintain it, even through difficult separations. Being present and in touch with loved ones, even imperfectly, is crucial.
8. Reframe Adversity for Growth
View deeply upsetting life events as opportunities for personal growth and “the making of you.” Experiencing loss can enable you to connect more deeply and empathetically with others facing similar challenges.
9. Seek Community and Shared Purpose
Find satisfaction and belonging by being part of a larger community or organization that shares a common vision and mission. Working towards a collective goal can provide enormous satisfaction and a sense of belonging.
10. Trust in Higher Power/Life
When faced with uncontrollable circumstances, cultivate a belief in a higher power or trust that “something” will make things okay. This mindset can provide comfort and help navigate uncertainty.
5 Key Quotes
Your job as a human is to do the things that you can control.
John Eckbert
I believe our purpose in life is human connection. I think that's why we're here.
John Eckbert
You end up being grateful for the most upsetting things that happen in your life. Because I think they're the making of you in many ways.
John Eckbert
People who can confront power with truth... to me, that kind of culture is hugely important to a company.
John Eckbert
Publicly owning your shit, is, is really, is really helpful.
John Eckbert
2 Protocols
Coping with Personal Crisis and Uncontrollable Circumstances
John Eckbert- Get out of bed and do the next thing, trusting that things will change.
- Keep showing up and being as present as possible (e.g., texting/calling children daily).
- Trust in a higher power or that things will ultimately be okay.
- Identify things you can control and things you can't control.
- Allocate 100% of your mental health and time to the things you can control, accepting what you cannot.
Cultivating a Culture of Truth-Telling and Accountability in Leadership
John Eckbert- Publicly own your mistakes (e.g., admit in a meeting that a previous comment was wrong or unhelpful).
- Show that you can respond positively to challenges and feedback.
- Give everyone else permission to do the same by demonstrating vulnerability and willingness to change your mind.