Moment 113 - Why You're Not Having Sex & How To Get It Back: Jay Shetty
This episode discusses the declining rates of sex in relationships, emphasizing that genuine intimacy, self-care, and open communication are foundational for a healthy sex life. It also examines the impact of porn on expectations and offers strategies for fostering deeper connection.
Deep Dive Analysis
11 Topic Outline
Prevalence and Perception of Sexless Relationships
Root Causes of Declining Sexual Intimacy
Sex as a Byproduct of Connection, Not a Source
The Buddha's Analogy: Liking vs. Loving a Flower
Developing Intimacy Beyond Physical Connection
The Detrimental Effects of Pornography on Relationships
Porn's Impact on Brain Rewiring and Expectations
Approaching Conversations About Porn Use with Empathy
Jay Shetty's Personal Experience with Celibacy
Benefits of Practicing Temporary Celibacy in Dating
Celibacy as a Redirection of Creative Energy
6 Key Concepts
Sexless Relationships
Relationships or marriages where individuals go for months or even years without sexual intimacy, which is increasingly common despite social media perceptions that suggest otherwise.
Sex as a Byproduct of Intimacy
The idea that great sex naturally emerges from great connection, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy between two healthy, growing individuals, rather than being a replacement for or source of that connection itself.
Sex as a Crutch
The practice of using sex to resolve arguments or problems in a relationship, which can create a false sense of closeness due to chemical releases, but does not build genuine emotional intimacy.
Liking vs. Loving a Flower (Buddha's Analogy)
This analogy distinguishes between instant gratification (liking, plucking a flower, akin to one-night stands or porn) and sustained nurturing (loving, watering a flower daily, akin to developing deep intimacy and connection).
Diminishing Returns in Pornography
The phenomenon where regular porn consumption leads to a need for increasingly extreme or violent content to achieve the same level of arousal or pleasure, due to the brain rewiring itself and becoming desensitized.
Celibacy as Proper Use of Energy (Brahmacharya)
A concept where celibacy is not seen as repression, but as a conscious redirection of vital life energy (often sexual energy) towards other pursuits like creative work, self-development, or spiritual growth, accelerating personal progress.
9 Questions Answered
Statistics show that people are having less sex and sexless relationships are increasingly common, contrary to social media's often misleading image. The core reason is a lack of genuine connection and intimacy.
Great sex is a natural byproduct of great connection and intimacy, not a replacement for or the source of that connection. It flourishes when individuals are growing and communicating openly.
While sex releases chemicals that can make you feel closer, it doesn't create actual emotional intimacy if the underlying connection and vulnerability are absent. It can often serve as a temporary crutch.
Intimacy is built when partners feel seen, heard, and understood in their most vulnerable moments, and by engaging in shared growth experiences like experiments, education, and service, moving beyond just entertainment.
The episode suggests it harms relationships in the long term because it's often used as an avoidance mechanism, rewires the brain for unrealistic expectations, and leads to diminishing returns requiring increasingly extreme content.
Porn creates unrealistic expectations about sex and intimacy, potentially rewiring the brain to only find pleasure in more extreme or violent content, thereby diminishing satisfaction from conventional sexual experiences.
Approach the conversation with empathy and curiosity, aiming to 'interview' rather than 'interrogate' your partner about when and why they started, fostering an open dialogue without judgment or accusation.
Committing to temporary celibacy in a new relationship can help individuals make clearer decisions about the relationship's true potential by focusing on genuine intimacy and connection, rather than being swayed by initial physical attraction.
Celibacy, understood as the proper use of energy (Brahmacharya), allows for the redirection of vital creative energy towards self-work, personal development, and creative pursuits, potentially accelerating growth and achievement.
9 Actionable Insights
1. Cultivate Vulnerability Through Conversation
Engage in difficult and vulnerable conversations with your partner, as this emotional openness is a necessary precursor for deep physical intimacy and connection.
2. Water Your Relationship Daily
Actively develop intimacy through shared experiences, education, and engaging in service together, as these actions foster closeness that naturally leads to physical intimacy.
3. Interview, Don’t Interrogate Your Partner
Approach sensitive discussions with your partner, like porn use, with empathy and curiosity, aiming to understand their perspective rather than judging or accusing them.
4. Practice Dating Celibacy
Consider refraining from sex for a committed period when dating a new person to make clearer decisions about true intimacy and connection, as sex can impair judgment.
5. Redirect Sexual Energy Creatively
Re-utilize the energy typically spent on romantic pursuits or sexual activity towards creative endeavors and self-work, which can accelerate personal growth and achievement.
6. Sex is a Byproduct of Connection
Understand that great sex naturally arises from a foundation of strong connection, intimacy, and mutual growth in a relationship, rather than being a standalone source or replacement for it.
7. Avoid Sex as a Relationship Crutch
Do not use sex to resolve arguments or problems, as the chemicals released can create a false sense of closeness without addressing underlying emotional issues.
8. Avoid Porn for Intimacy
Recognize that using porn as an escape can rewire your brain, leading to unrealistic sexual expectations and potentially diminishing pleasure from conventional sex.
9. Challenge Social Media Sex Perceptions
Be aware that social media often presents a false image of widespread sexual activity; statistics show people are having less sex, which can help manage personal expectations.
6 Key Quotes
great sex is a byproduct of great connection and intimacy it's not a replacement for or a source of.
Jay Shetty
When you like a flower you simply pluck it, but when you love a flower you water it every day.
Buddha (quoted by Jay Shetty)
The studies show that the chemicals released during sex make you feel like you're getting closer even though you're not actually emotionally closer.
Jay Shetty
The only thing that makes you feel close to someone is when you feel you can be open and when you feel seen, heard and understood in your most vulnerable, darkest and open times.
Jay Shetty
One of the biggest mistakes we make in our relationships is we interrogate our partners, not interview them.
Jay Shetty
Celibacy is not a repression or a suppression or a closing off, it's re-utilizing that vital energy in a different direction.
Jay Shetty