Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury
This episode features Logan, an expert on relationships, discussing how to find a long-term partner by shifting from "relation shopping" to "relation shipping." It emphasizes focusing on how a person makes you feel rather than superficial qualities or a rigid checklist, introducing the "Post-Date Eight" questions.
Deep Dive Analysis
8 Topic Outline
Evolving Criteria for a Long-Term Partner
Relation Shopping vs. Relation Shipping
The Flaw in Knowing What You Want in a Partner
Adopting a 'Date Like a Scientist' Mindset
Introducing the Post-Date Eight Questions
Prioritizing the 'Slow Burn' Over 'The Spark'
How the Post-Date Eight Trains Your Brain
Qualities That Matter Less for Relationship Success
7 Key Concepts
Relation Shopping
A term in relationship science describing the act of approaching partner selection like shopping for a product online, using a rigid checklist of superficial traits. This method often fails because people's perceived wants rarely align with what actually makes them happy in a long-term relationship.
Relation Shipping
The counter-concept to relation shopping, which emphasizes actively putting in the effort and work required to build and maintain a long-term partnership, rather than simply finding a 'perfect' match based on a static list of qualities.
Dating Like a Scientist
An approach to dating where individuals experiment with different types of partners and constantly revise their hypothesis about what they truly desire and need in a relationship. This encourages open-mindedness and learning from experience rather than sticking to preconceived notions.
Experiential Mindset (in dating)
A shift in focus during dating from evaluating the other person against a checklist of traits (like a job interview) to tuning into one's own feelings and experience. It emphasizes how the interaction makes you feel and what side of you the other person brings out.
Fuck the Spark
A motto advocating for moving beyond the pursuit of intense initial chemistry or 'fireworks' in dating. This 'spark' often leads to relationships that burn out quickly, and prioritizing it can distract from identifying truly compatible and secure partners.
Slow Burn (in dating)
The preferred alternative to 'the spark,' which involves seeking a secure partner who may not be immediately exciting but fosters a deeper connection and whose appeal grows over time. This approach aims for stable, long-term relationships built on sustained interest and compatibility.
Adaptation (Hedonic Adaptation)
The psychological phenomenon where humans adjust to their circumstances, causing the initial impact of significant positive (e.g., winning the lottery, attractive partner) or negative (e.g., becoming a quadriplegic) events to diminish over time. This means that factors like extreme looks or wealth have a diminishing effect on long-term happiness.
7 Questions Answered
The host suggests sexual attraction, intellectual connection, and mutual improvement, while Logan Ury emphasizes focusing on who you become when you are with that person and what side of you they bring out.
People often think they know exactly what they want, but they are frequently wrong, and their fixed criteria can exclude truly compatible partners who don't fit the superficial mold, leading to 'relation shopping' which is ineffective.
It's more effective to 'date like a scientist,' meaning you should experiment with different types of people and constantly adjust your hypothesis about what you want in a partner, focusing on the experiential mindset of who you are around them.
The 'Post-Date Eight' is a set of eight questions to ask yourself after a date, designed to shift your mindset from evaluating a person against a checklist to tuning into your own experience and feelings during the interaction, helping you decide if you want to see them again.
The intense initial 'spark' or chemistry often leads to relationships that quickly burn out, whereas a 'slow burn' with a secure person, where interest grows over time, is more indicative of a successful long-term partnership.
Humans adapt to their circumstances, meaning the initial excitement derived from a partner's looks or wealth diminishes over time, making these qualities less impactful for sustained happiness than people initially believe.
No, it's not essential; partners can have different hobbies as long as they respect each other's interests, and complementary personalities can often be more beneficial than identical ones, as two identical personalities can be exhausting.
12 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize How They Make You Feel
Focus on what version of yourself a potential partner brings out, as this determines who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship. This experiential mindset is more crucial than evaluating their superficial qualities.
2. Shift to Relation Shipping
Move away from “relation shopping” (using a checklist for a partner) to “relation shipping,” which involves putting in the work to build a long-term partnership. This shift is essential for finding lasting happiness in relationships.
3. Date Like a Scientist
Challenge your preconceived notions about your ’type’ by dating people who are different from what you think you want. Often, these unexpected connections lead to more successful and fulfilling relationships.
4. Embrace the “Not My Type” Signal
View someone being ’not your type’ as a positive sign, as it often indicates you’re making a different choice that could lead to a different, and potentially better, relationship outcome than past patterns.
5. Use the Post-Date Eight Questions
After a date, ask yourself the ‘Post-Date Eight’ questions to tune into your experience and feelings, rather than just evaluating the other person. This trains your brain to focus on what truly matters in a connection.
6. Fuck the Spark, Seek Slow Burn
Avoid chasing intense initial chemistry or ’the spark,’ which often leads to relationships that burn out quickly. Instead, prioritize a ‘slow burn’ connection with a secure person for a more stable and long-lasting partnership.
7. Train Your Dating Barometer
Use a new barometer, like the Post-Date Eight, to assess if your interest in someone is trending upwards after each date. This helps train your brain away from anxious-avoidant dating patterns towards a more secure approach.
8. Cultivate Mindful Dating
Actively pay attention to how you feel in your body and what side of you a person brings out during a date. This mindfulness overrides the checklist mindset and helps you focus on the actual experience of being with someone.
9. Avoid Resume Qualities Trap
Do not prioritize a person’s ‘resume qualities’ (e.g., good family, career, money) if they make you feel bad in person. Focus instead on how they treat you and how you feel in their presence, as these are better indicators of relationship success.
10. Don’t Over-Optimize for Looks
While attraction is important, avoid over-optimizing for physical attractiveness in a partner. Humans adapt to circumstances, meaning the initial excitement about looks diminishes over time.
11. Don’t Over-Optimize for Money
Do not overly prioritize a partner’s wealth, as research indicates that happiness levels adapt to financial circumstances over time. Focus on qualities that provide lasting connection rather than transient material benefits.
12. Seek Complementary Personalities
Instead of finding an identical personality twin, look for someone who compliments you. Different hobbies and personalities can enrich a relationship, as long as there is mutual respect and support for individual exploration.
6 Key Quotes
you think you know what you want but you're wrong.
Logan Ury
whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship.
Logan Ury
fuck the spark.
Logan Ury
even the hottest person you know there's somebody who's sick of sleeping with them.
Logan Ury
about a year after you win the lottery you are about as happy as you were before because you've adapted to your new circumstances.
Logan Ury
it's not that people have to find their opposites it's that you shouldn't focus on just finding your identical twin your personality twin.
Logan Ury
1 Protocols
The Post-Date Eight
Logan Ury- Go on a date.
- After the date, ask yourself the eight specific questions from the Post-Date Eight list (not provided in transcript).
- Use your answers to tune into your experience and feelings during the date, rather than evaluating the person against a checklist of qualities.
- Assess if your interest in the person is trending upwards, which helps determine whether to continue dating them.