Moment 23 - Why You Should Embrace Failure: Elizabeth Day
The discussion centers on seven failure principles, emphasizing acceptance of failure as inevitable and controlling one's response to it. It also covers navigating personal challenges like downward spirals, significant losses, and the pressures of one's 20s.
Deep Dive Analysis
8 Topic Outline
Introduction to Failure Principles from 'Failosophy'
Principle 1: Failure as an Inevitable Fact
Controlling Your Response to Failure
Distinguishing Between Everyday and Cataclysmic Failures
Coping with Profound Loss and Finding Meaning
Principle 2: The Universal Feeling of Failure in Your 20s
Pressures of Comparison and Identity in Young Adulthood
The 20s as a Decade of Transition and Self-Discovery
4 Key Concepts
Failure Just Is
This principle posits that failure is an inevitable fact of life that will happen to everyone, regardless of how much one tries to avoid it. Accepting this inevitability can be liberating, shifting focus from avoidance to controlling one's response to failure.
Downward Spiral of Failure
This describes a negative reinforcing cycle where a single bad failure can erode confidence, leading to worse performance in subsequent opportunities. This increased likelihood of further failure then reinforces negative self-perception, causing confidence and motivation to cascade downwards.
Curated Perfection (Curse of Comparison)
This refers to the societal pressure, particularly prevalent in one's 20s, to constantly compare one's internal struggles and realities with the idealized, filtered, and projected appearances and lives of peers on social media. This leads to a feeling of inadequacy as one compares their 'insides' to others' 'outsides'.
20s as a Decade of Transition
This concept reframes the twenties not as a period where one must have their life 'sorted out,' but rather as a crucial time for self-discovery, accumulating diverse life experiences, and forging one's identity. It suggests that true success and self-knowledge often emerge more fully after this transitional decade.
6 Questions Answered
The first principle is 'failure just is,' meaning failure is an inevitable fact of life that everyone will experience, and accepting this can be liberating.
One can prevent a downward spiral by either recognizing they are in the wrong situation and removing themselves from it, or by shifting their mindset and seeking support from therapy, friends, or mental health helplines.
No, there's a distinction between everyday failures (like failing a driving test) and cataclysmic failures (like a global pandemic, severe illness, or death of a loved one), with the latter requiring a process of mourning and coming to terms with loss.
One should allow for a process of mourning and coming to terms with the loss, choosing not to constantly relive the pain but rather to find meaning in one's response to it.
Many people feel this way due to the 'curse of comparison' from social media, the lack of clear markers for adult success after leaving education, and the immense pressure to establish a career, identity, and personal life simultaneously.
The 20s should be viewed as a decade of transition, self-discovery, and accumulating life experiences, rather than a period where one must have everything sorted out.
7 Actionable Insights
1. Accept Failure’s Inevitability
Recognize that failure is a fact of life and will happen to everyone, regardless of effort. Accepting this reality can be liberating, encouraging you to take risks rather than trying to avoid the unavoidable.
2. Control Your Response to Failure
While failure itself is inevitable, your reaction to it is within your control. Choose to learn from the experience and do things differently next time, rather than dwelling on it and feeling like a failure for years.
3. Mourn Loss, Don’t Relive Pain
For cataclysmic failures or losses, allow yourself to mourn the loss, but consciously choose not to constantly relive the pain. You can still feel sadness without letting it define you or becoming a victim of the past.
4. Seek Support During Downward Spirals
If you find yourself in a negative spiral after a failure, reach out for help. Talking to a friend, work helpline, or mental health charity can provide valuable support when it’s difficult to objectively assess the situation alone.
5. Re-evaluate Your Environment After Failure
If repeated failures or a persistent downward spiral suggest you’re in the wrong situation, consider removing yourself from that environment. Find a workplace or setting that supports you and allows you to be your true self after setbacks.
6. Embrace 20s as Transition Decade
View your twenties as a crucial decade of transition and self-discovery, rather than a period where you must have everything sorted out. This perspective can alleviate pressure and allow for personal growth, leading to greater self-knowledge and success later in life.
7. Avoid Social Media Comparison
Be mindful of the ‘curse of comparison’ prevalent in the age of curated perfection on social media. Avoid comparing your internal struggles and realities with others’ filtered, projected outsides to maintain a healthier self-perception.
5 Key Quotes
Failure is a fact, but how you respond to it is within your control.
Elizabeth Day
We're comparing our insides with everyone else's projection of their outsides.
Elizabeth Day
My definition of failure, which is what happens when life doesn't go according to plan, has a fatal flaw, which is that sometimes there are failures that are totally cataclysmic that we couldn't possibly have predicted.
Elizabeth Day
I mourn, but I don't have to constantly relive the pain. I can still feel sadness about something, but I don't need to live in that place of reliving it constantly.
Elizabeth Day
Your 20s are a decade of transition, of discovering who you are, of grinding up the spices of life in your pestle and mortar.
Elizabeth Day