Moment 35 - Why You’re (Not) A Failure: Elizabeth Day
This episode explores how societal expectations shape our definitions of failure and success, often leading to unhappiness. The guest discusses her journey of redefining personal success, embracing vulnerability, and finding internal validation to live an authentic, integrated life.
Deep Dive Analysis
6 Topic Outline
Societal Expectations and the Definition of Failure
Elizabeth Day's Personal Experience with Societal Conditioning
Overcoming the Feeling of Failure and Finding Liberation
The Host's Experience with Societal Definitions of Success
Elizabeth's Journey to Self-Discovery and Internal Validation
Redefining Success Through Authenticity and Vulnerability
4 Key Concepts
Failure
Failure is defined as what happens when life doesn't go according to a plan. This plan is often derived from societal expectations and conditioning rather than genuine personal desires or what would truly make an individual happy.
External Validation
This is the act of outsourcing one's sense of self-worth to the opinions of others or to external achievements, such as academic success or societal approval. Relying on external validation creates a feedback loop that can prevent true self-worth from developing.
Authenticity
Authenticity refers to being one's true, integrated self across all aspects of life, including professional, personal, and social interactions. For Elizabeth Day, achieving this state of being her true self is now her definition of success.
Success
Initially perceived as achieving external markers like academic approval or wealth, success is redefined as finding internal validation and being one's authentic, integrated self. It involves connecting with a large audience while being vulnerable and true to oneself.
5 Questions Answered
Failure is defined as what happens when life doesn't go according to a plan, which often originates from societal expectations rather than personal desires.
Society conditions individuals to believe certain life paths (e.g., marriage, children, specific career success) are indicators of success, leading to feelings of failure if those paths are not followed, even if they don't align with one's true self.
By stripping back pretense, redefining one's life according to who they truly are, and recognizing that a lack of a pre-defined plan can be an enormous opportunity for change and liberation.
It often involves soul-searching prompted by experiences where things 'went wrong,' leading to a redefinition of personal success based on internal validation and authenticity rather than external approval.
True validation comes from within oneself and from cornerstone relationships with a few trusted individuals, rather than from outsourcing one's sense of self to everyone else's opinions or external achievements.
8 Actionable Insights
1. Challenge Societal Life Plans
Actively question if your life’s plan truly reflects your desires or if it’s a byproduct of external societal conditioning, as these external pressures can lead to feelings of failure.
2. Seek Internal Validation
Shift your source of self-worth from external opinions and achievements to internal validation and the opinions of your cornerstone relationships, as outsourcing self-worth leads to a never-ending pursuit of approval.
3. Redefine Failure and Success
Understand that failure is often a byproduct of social expectations, and success is about being your authentic, integrated self across all areas of life, rather than meeting external benchmarks.
4. Embrace Vulnerability for Connection
Practice vulnerability in your interactions, as it is presented as the genuine source of true connection with others.
5. Find Meaning in Adversity
Believe that traumatic or devastating experiences hold meaning that will unfold over time, offering lessons you needed to learn, even if not immediately apparent.
6. Embrace a Plan-less Future
View having no concrete plan for the future not as terrifying, but as an enormous opportunity to redefine your life according to your true self once pretenses are stripped away.
7. Avoid People-Pleasing
Recognize and actively work against the tendency to be an “inveterate people-pleaser,” which often stems from early conditioning and can lead to outsourcing your sense of self-worth.
8. Learn Lessons From Repetition
Pay attention to recurring challenges or “lessons” in your life, as the universe may keep sending them until you truly learn what you need to.
5 Key Quotes
society's expectations of how your life is supposed to be going will fuck you up
Host
failure is what happens when life doesn't go according to plan
Elizabeth Day
having no plan for the future can be terrifying and it can also be this enormous opportunity to change your life and to redefine it according to who you really are once you've stripped back that pretense
Elizabeth Day
vulnerability is the source of connection true connection
Host
my only validation that means anything can come from within and from my cornerstone relationships
Elizabeth Day