Moment 69 - People Pleasing Is Hurting You: Lewis Howes
This episode explores the pitfalls of people-pleasing and compromising one's authentic self in relationships. The host discusses prioritizing personal health and mission above a partner, and the importance of communicating core values and boundaries early on.
Deep Dive Analysis
7 Topic Outline
People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response
Host's Realization of People-Pleasing in Relationships
The Inauthenticity of Compromising Core Self for Love
Lewis Howes' 'No Compromise' Philosophy for Core Values
Prioritizing Health, Mission, and Partner in Relationships
Partner's Positive Reception to Lewis's Priorities
Liberation from People-Pleasing and Willingness to Walk Away
4 Key Concepts
People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a behavior often rooted in past trauma, where an individual compromises their authentic self and core values to maintain peace, keep others happy, or avoid losing love. This approach, while seemingly beneficial in the short term, leads to resentment, exhaustion, and inauthentic relationships in the long run.
Authentic Self
The authentic self refers to an individual's core essence, personality, and values without pretense or modification to suit others. Maintaining one's authentic self in relationships is crucial for real love, as changing who you are for someone else is seen as abandoning yourself and creating an inauthentic connection.
Compromising Core Values
This concept distinguishes between compromising on minor activities or preferences versus compromising one's fundamental values, personality, or authentic power. While minor adjustments in daily life are acceptable, changing one's core essence for a relationship is viewed as detrimental, leading to unhappiness and a lack of genuine connection.
Relationship Priorities
This framework suggests that for a relationship to thrive, an individual's health and personal mission/calling should be prioritized above their partner. By ensuring personal well-being and purpose are met first, one can show up more fully, authentically, and energetically for their partner, ultimately leading to a more incredible and fulfilling relationship.
5 Questions Answered
People-pleasing often stems from past trauma, leading individuals to compromise their true selves to maintain peace or avoid losing love, regardless of their outward appearance or perceived strength.
Relationships fail because constantly compromising one's core self to keep a partner happy leads to inauthenticity, resentment, exhaustion, and a lack of real love, as the connection is based on a false persona rather than genuine identity.
No, you should not compromise your core values or authentic self in a relationship; while minor adjustments for activities are fine, changing your fundamental personality or essence is seen as abandoning yourself and prevents real love from forming.
Lewis Howes' priorities are his health (number one), his mission or calling (number two), and his partner (number three). His partner surprisingly found this to be the most amazing thing she'd ever heard, as she had been looking for a man with purpose who wouldn't make her his sole focus.
Being willing to walk away ensures that the relationship remains authentic and aligned with both partners' values and visions. It fosters peace by preventing one from compromising their true self, allowing for a committed but not suffocating connection.
8 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Health and Mission
Make your health your number one priority, followed by your mission or calling, because without these, you cannot fully show up in your relationships or for others. This approach ensures you have the energy and purpose to offer the best version of yourself.
2. Do Not Compromise Core Self
Avoid compromising your core values and authentic self in relationships, as this leads to inauthenticity, resentment, and unhappiness. True love does not require you to change your fundamental essence for someone else.
3. Take Relationship Responsibility
Take full responsibility for the relationships you choose, stay in, or leave, rather than blaming others. Acknowledge if fear or lack of self-confidence prevents you from stepping away from unhealthy dynamics.
4. Be Willing to Walk Away
Cultivate the willingness to walk away from any relationship that compromises your authentic self or is not in alignment with your values and vision. This detachment ensures you prioritize your well-being and allows for genuine connection.
5. Communicate Priorities Early
Clearly communicate your personal priorities and unwillingness to change your core identity early in a relationship. This sets healthy expectations and attracts partners who respect your authentic self and purpose.
6. Seek Value and Vision Alignment
Ensure your relationships are in alignment with your partner’s and your own values, vision, and lifestyle. If fundamental acceptance and alignment are missing, the relationship may not be sustainable.
7. Improve Flaws, Not Core Personality
Be open to improving personal flaws and adjusting behaviors, but refuse to change your core personality or essence for anyone. Distinguish between self-improvement and abandoning who you fundamentally are.
8. Be Committed, Not Attached
Approach relationships with commitment but without attachment, holding them loosely rather than suffocating them. This mindset allows for deep connection while maintaining personal freedom and authenticity.
5 Key Quotes
it's not real love if it's inauthentic if you're having to change who you are to make someone happy I just don't feel like that's real love.
Lewis Howes
If we are compromising our authentic selves, we're essentially saying screw you to our creator. You've created us for who we are.
Lewis Howes
You will never be my number one priority, never. And I had an explanation. I said listen, my number one priority needs to be my health because without my health I can't fully show up for my number two priority which is my mission or my calling from God.
Lewis Howes
The only way this works is I'm willing to walk away at any moment. I don't want to walk away, I want to be with this woman, she's incredible, she's a gift in my life, but if it's not in alignment with her values, her vision, her lifestyle, my values, my vision, my lifestyle and we don't fully accept who we are then we shouldn't be together.
Lewis Howes
I'm committed, I'm all in, but I'm not going to change who I am to force it.
Lewis Howes