Moment 83 - Jay Shetty's 4 Pillars for Long Lasting Relationships
This episode introduces the "75% rule" for relationships, outlining four pillars: care, competence, consistency, and character. It advises against seeking perfection in others, encouraging appreciation for their unique contributions. The discussion also highlights valuing intrinsic love over external validation in partnerships.
Deep Dive Analysis
8 Topic Outline
The Mistake of Seeking Divinity in Humanity
Introduction to the Four Pillars of Relationships
Understanding the 'Care' Pillar
Understanding the 'Competence' Pillar
Understanding the 'Character' Pillar
Understanding the 'Consistency' Pillar
The Problem with Focusing on Missing Pillars
Learning Deeper Values from a Partner's Perspective
3 Key Concepts
Divinity in Humanity
This concept describes the mistaken belief that one person in your life should possess all answers, be infallible, and perfect. Chasing this ideal leads to insecurity and anxiety because no human can fulfill such an unrealistic divine search.
Four Pillars of Relationships
These are four essential characteristics that contribute to strong relationships: Care, Competence, Consistency, and Character. The framework suggests that different people in your life will provide different pillars, and it's rare for one person to embody all four.
Relationship Compass
People who embody 'Character' in your life serve as your compass. They hold you to higher values, help you grow with integrity, and guide you to see things beyond your immediate desires and ambitions, making you recognize there's more to life.
6 Questions Answered
The biggest mistake is looking for 'divinity in humanity,' expecting one person to be perfect, infallible, and have all the answers, which inevitably leads to insecurity and anxiety.
The four pillars are Care, Competence, Consistency, and Character, and each person in your life should ideally provide at least one of these.
No, it is very rare for one person to provide all four pillars (Care, Competence, Consistency, Character); instead, different people will offer different strengths.
People with character are those who hold you to higher values, help you grow with integrity, and act as a compass by helping you see beyond your immediate desires and achievements.
Focusing on what a person lacks (e.g., 'why aren't you competent?') prevents you from appreciating them for the specific unique strengths and value they do bring to your life.
A partner who loves you for who you are beyond your external achievements, ambitions, and appearance can highlight what truly matters, teaching you to value love that transcends superficial success.
6 Actionable Insights
1. Stop Seeking Divine Perfection
Recognize that no single person will fulfill all your needs in relationships, as expecting divinity in humanity leads to insecurity and anxiety. Instead, appreciate people for the specific strengths they bring to your life.
2. Understand Relationship Pillars
Categorize people in your life by their primary strengths: Care (emotional support), Competence (expertise), Consistency (reliable presence), and Character (moral guidance). Understand that most people will excel in only one or two areas, and rarely all four.
3. Value Intrinsic Love
Seek and appreciate relationships where you are loved for who you are, beyond your achievements, appearance, or ambitions. This deeper connection provides the true craving of being loved despite external factors.
4. Appreciate Specific Contributions
Instead of focusing on what a person lacks (e.g., your consistent friend isn’t competent), consciously appreciate them for the specific pillar or characteristic they bring to your life. This shifts your perspective from criticism to gratitude.
5. Learn Partner’s True Values
Observe what aspects of your success or life your partner genuinely celebrates and is impressed by, as this reveals their deeper values. This provides an opportunity to understand what truly makes them happy beyond societal expectations.
6. Reframe Annoyance as Lesson
When your partner or someone close to you annoys you, consciously reframe it as a potential lesson or profound insight for your personal growth. This mindset helps you learn and grow from challenging interactions.
5 Key Quotes
One of the biggest mistakes I've made, and I think we make as humans, is we often look for divinity in humanity.
Jay Shetty
Every single person in your life is going to be able to give you, or should be able to give you, at least one of these four characteristics. Very rarely, if ever, will one person give you all four.
Jay Shetty
The people with character are your compass.
Jay Shetty
We're always looking for which C they don't have, rather than appreciating for them for exactly what they bring to our life.
Jay Shetty
Isn't that what we're truly craving? Is that we are loved beyond our appearance, our achievements, our ambitions, and our goals?
Jay Shetty
1 Protocols
Building Strong Relationships
Jay Shetty- Recognize that no single person can embody 'divinity in humanity' or fulfill all your needs.
- Identify four key pillars for relationships: Care, Competence, Consistency, and Character.
- Appreciate that every person in your life will likely provide at least one, but rarely all four, of these characteristics.
- Focus on valuing people for the specific pillars they bring, rather than dwelling on what they lack.
- Seek individuals who provide different pillars to create a well-rounded support system.