Most Played Moment: How To ALWAYS Have Great Sex: The Orgasm Queen, Susan Bratton
The episode discusses rekindling intimacy in relationships, emphasizing open communication through a "Sexual Soulmate Pact" and prioritizing physical connection. It highlights the importance of removing pressure, embracing small, low-stakes gestures, and exploring "erotic playdates" to foster fun and novelty.
Deep Dive Analysis
7 Topic Outline
Starting Intimacy: Holding and the Sexual Soulmate Pact
Understanding Female Arousal and Its Duration
The Harm of 'Shoulds' and Social Comparison
Communication and Removing Pressure for Connection
Introducing Erotic Playdates for Fun and Adventure
The Equation for Good Sex: Safety Plus Novelty
Creating and Using a Sex Life Bucket List
7 Key Concepts
Sexual Soulmate Pact
An agreement between partners where one can express desires and feelings without fear of criticism, fostering an environment where the other partner is eager to hear and respond to those needs, whether they are for comfort or passion.
Oxytocin's Role in Intimacy
This hormone is generated through physical touch like holding, acting as an antidote to stress hormones like cortisol. It helps partners calm down, relax, and reconnect, serving as a foundational step for intimacy.
Female Arousal System
A slower process than often assumed, requiring 15-30 minutes, especially after a long period without intimacy, to transition from a mental, stressed state into physical relaxation and turn-on. It's not about 'pushing buttons' but creating safety and calm.
The 'Should' Trap in Relationships
The detrimental habit of comparing one's relationship or sex life to external standards (e.g., movies, friends, societal norms). This creates guilt, pressure, and stress, which are counterproductive to genuine arousal and connection.
Erotic Playdates
A concept that reframes sexual activity as fun, adventurous, and experimental dates, moving beyond the sole focus on intercourse. It encourages couples to try new things, explore different forms of intimacy, and bring back excitement.
Equation for Good Sex
Good sex is composed of two essential elements: a foundation of safety and security (trust, comfort, good communication) combined with novelty, variety, and erotic adventures. Without novelty, even safe sex can become boring.
Sex Life Bucket List
A tool designed to help partners explore and prioritize different sexual ideas and experiences. By categorizing desires, it helps couples discover what they genuinely want to try and look forward to together, fostering new relationship energy.
5 Questions Answered
Couples can start by simply holding each other to generate oxytocin and reduce stress, and then communicate their needs without pressure or judgment, acknowledging challenges and starting with small, no-pressure offers.
The female arousal system is slow and requires 15-30 minutes to transition from a stressed, mental state into a relaxed, physical state of turn-on, needing safety and calm rather than immediate goal-oriented action.
Comparing your sex life to 'shoulds' (social comparisons) creates guilt, pressure, and stress, which are counterproductive to arousal and genuine connection, making intimacy awkward and difficult.
By reframing sexual activity as 'erotic playdates' and exploring a variety of activities beyond intercourse, couples can introduce novelty and adventure, making intimacy more exciting and something to look forward to.
Good sex is an equation of safety and security (trust, comfort, and good communication) combined with novelty, variety, and erotic adventures to keep things interesting and prevent boredom.
10 Actionable Insights
1. Prioritize Physical Holding to Reduce Stress
Start with holding and being held by your partner, as this generates oxytocin, which acts as an antidote to the cortisol produced by daily stressors. You can simply crawl into your partner’s arms without needing a conversation.
2. Establish a Sexual Soulmate Pact
Create an agreement with your partner where you can express anything you want or feel, and they will be happy to hear it, not taking it as criticism. This fosters an environment where both partners are hungry to understand each other’s desires and feelings.
3. Eliminate “Should” and External Comparisons
Ban the use of “should” in your relationship, especially when discussing intimacy, as it often stems from social comparisons and creates guilt. Focus on your unique relationship dynamics rather than external benchmarks.
4. Offer Small, Low-Pressure Intimacy Gestures
Initiate intimacy with small, non-pressured offers, such as setting up a relaxing environment with candles and favorite music, and simply offering to hold or massage your partner. This allows for gradual arousal, especially for women, who need time to calm down and get into their bodies.
5. Remove Pressure for Arousal and Intercourse
Take the pressure off any expectation for intercourse or immediate arousal during intimate moments. When pressure is removed, individuals can relax, feel safe, and naturally allow their bodies to enter a state of arousal and connection.
6. Rebuild Intimacy Gradually with Small Steps
Acknowledge that relationship phases, like having kids, can make intimacy challenging, and commit to starting small. Approach rekindling intimacy by crawling, then walking, then running back to lovemaking at your own pace.
7. Embrace Erotic Playdates for Fun
Shift your perspective on sexuality from a goal-oriented act (like intercourse) to an opportunity for erotic adventure and fun, such as trying new sex toys or locations. This reduces pressure and often leads to more frequent and enjoyable intimacy.
8. Balance Safety with Novelty in Sex
Recognize that good sex requires both safety and security (trust, comfort) and variety and novelty (erotic adventures, learning new things). While safety is foundational, adding new experiences prevents boredom and keeps the sex life exciting.
9. Create a Shared Sex Life Bucket List
Discuss and create a personal and shared list of sexual desires and experiences you’d like to try, categorizing them by enthusiasm (e.g., A-list, B-list, C-list). This provides a concrete way to explore novelty and communicate desires.
10. View Sexual Development as Skill Learning
Approach your sexual journey like personal development, understanding that you can continuously learn, improve, and increment your skills over time. This mindset encourages openness to new experiences and growth in your intimate life.
4 Key Quotes
sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you, you co-create your connection with your partner.
Susan Bratton
if she has pressure, then she's going to feel stressed. And if she feels stressed, she can't get into arousal.
Susan Bratton
Sex is an equation. It is two things. Good sex is, half of it is safety and security... But if you just have that, boring, you know, it's like that's the death knell for your sex life is when it's just safe. Boring.
Susan Bratton
Should is such a... How much harm do you think that does? As in, when I say should, I really mean it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison.
Steven Bartlett
2 Protocols
Rekindling Intimacy with Small Offers
Susan Bratton- Have a conversation acknowledging the desire for more intimacy and the challenges (e.g., kids, stress).
- Agree to 'start small' and progress gradually ('crawl, then walk, then run') back to lovemaking.
- One partner makes a 'small offer' by setting up a no-pressure environment (e.g., bringing home food, getting kids to bed, setting up the bedroom with candles, lube, and a playlist).
- The offering partner explicitly states there is 'no pressure to do anything' and that they 'won't be mad if we don't have intercourse.'
- Focus on holding, physical touch (rubbing what hurts), expressing love, snuggling, and kissing only if desired, allowing the other partner to relax and naturally enter arousal without expectation.
Using the Sex Life Bucket List
Susan Bratton- Both partners independently go through a list of sexy ideas (e.g., the 48 ideas provided by Susan Bratton).
- Each partner categorizes the ideas into A's (definitely want to do), B's (willing to try, but not a top priority), and C's (not for me right now, but never say never).
- Compare lists to find common 'A' items to try together, fostering anticipation and shared erotic adventure.