Orgasm Queen: Do This For 20 Minutes Before Having Sex & Have Sex With Them Like When You First Met! I Never Orgasmed Until He Tried This!
Dr. Susan Bratton, a sex specialist, discusses how to transform sex lives by improving communication, embracing diverse pleasure techniques, and healing past traumas. She emphasizes that great sex is co-created through novelty, safety, and a mindful approach to intimacy.
Deep Dive Analysis
21 Topic Outline
Susan Bratton's Mission and Approach to Sexual Education
Common Sexual Challenges for Women and Men
Susan's Personal Journey to Becoming a Sex Expert
Healing from Sexual Trauma and Dissociation
The Impact of Sexual Injustice and Lack of Knowledge
Navigating an Affair and Choosing to Rebuild a Marriage
Exploring Non-Monogamy and Relationship Anarchy
The Importance of Radical Honesty in Relationships
Audience Question: Reconnecting with a Disconnected Partner
Addressing Body Image Issues and Self-Judgment
Techniques for Reconnecting and Removing Sexual Pressure
The Concept of Erotic Play Dates and Novelty in Sex
Dealing with a Partner Who Mocks Sexual Fantasies
Understanding Different Sexual Archetypes and Comfort Zones
Audience Question: Addressing Early Ejaculation
Effective Sex Toys and Yoni Massage for Female Pleasure
Understanding Various Types of Orgasms
Audience Question: Overcoming Mechanical Sex and Routine
The Role of Masturbation and Pornography
STI Testing and Safe Sexual Exploration
Knowing When to Leave a Relationship
10 Key Concepts
Dissociation during intimacy
This is when someone physically goes through the motions during sex but is emotionally checked out, often as a protective mechanism against past hurt or trauma. It prevents heart-connected intimacy and a full experience of pleasure.
Mercy Sex
This refers to having sex with a partner out of guilt or obligation, rather than genuine desire. It's often done to 'throw them a bone' to prevent them from being miserable, but it lacks true connection and mutual pleasure.
Sexual Injustice
This encompasses a range of experiences that negatively impact one's sexuality, from a lack of knowledge about one's own body and pleasure, to shame, repression, or actual abuse. It creates fear, which is the enemy of pleasure.
Sexual Soulmate Pact
An agreement between partners where one can express any desire, feeling, or need without the other taking it as criticism or fault. The partner is encouraged to be receptive and appreciative of this honesty, fostering deeper connection.
Safety + Novelty = Desire
This equation states that good sex requires a foundation of trust, security, and open communication (safety), combined with continuous exploration, new experiences, and erotic adventures (novelty). Without novelty, sex can become boring, even if safe.
Ejaculatory Choice
A technique that helps men control when they ejaculate, rather than being unable to help it. It involves body-based techniques like specific breathing and pelvic movements, as well as addressing the mental component of performance anxiety.
Yoni
A comprehensive and reverential term for the entire female genital area, encompassing both the internal vagina and the external vulva. It emphasizes viewing this area as the seat of a woman's passion and creativity, rather than just a physical part.
Clitoral Erection
Similar to a penile erection, the female clitoral tissue (which is extensive and internal) fills with blood during arousal. This process takes about 20-30 minutes for women, much longer than for men, and is crucial for female pleasure and orgasm.
Expanded Orgasm (Quantum Gasm)
A type of orgasm that goes beyond a single, 'one-and-done' experience. It involves stretching out sensation, riding waves of pleasure, and continuously building intensity, potentially lasting 10, 20, or even 30 minutes, leading to profound connection and bliss.
Libido, Desire, and Arousal
Libido refers to one's overall sexual health and vitality; desire is how one feels about oneself as a sexual being and one's attractiveness; and arousal is the physiological response to sexual stimulation, which takes different times for men and women.
11 Questions Answered
Women commonly struggle with a lost libido, guilt, feeling unfulfilled, or believing something is wrong with them because sex isn't as good as they hear it can be, often due to a lack of understanding of their own bodies and pleasure.
Men frequently ask about sexual biohacking, erectile dysfunction, penis enlargement, and male enhancement, often stemming from concerns about their penis or shame around their desires, or frustration with their partner's sex life.
Sexual trauma can lead to dissociation during intimacy, where one is physically present but emotionally checked out, preventing deep connection and pleasure. Healing requires both talk therapy and somatic (body) release.
Start small by simply holding each other to release oxytocin and counteract stress. Establish a 'sexual soulmate pact' for open communication without criticism, and create 'erotic play dates' with no pressure for intercourse, focusing on mutual pleasure and exploration.
Recognize that women often judge their bodies more harshly than their partners do. Focus on sex as a mindfulness practice, bringing oneself back to connection and pleasure, and understand that stress and cortisol production are greater enemies of desire than body changes.
Practice 'ejaculatory choice' using techniques like the 'ME breath' during masturbation to learn to gas and brake arousal. This involves specific breathing, pelvic rocking, and mental presence to slow down and get out of one's head.
Lay-on toys like the 'Pulse Queen' or 'The Vibe' are recommended for yoni massage, as they send penetrating, pulsating pleasure into the vulva, increasing blood flow and activating erectile tissue. Small, easy-to-hold vibrators like 'The Digit' are also effective for clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
To achieve multiple orgasms, slow down and use lighter touch to avoid over-stimulating the nervous system. For expanded or 'quantum' orgasms, focus on sitting in sensation, stretching out the pleasure, and allowing the orgasm to build in intensity and duration, potentially lasting 10-30 minutes.
Introduce novelty through 'erotic play dates' and a 'sex life bucket list' of new experiences. Practice 'orgasmic cross-training' by starting with what works and gradually adding new forms of stimulation, like breast play or yoni massages, to activate more pleasure pathways.
Masturbation is fantastic for activating tissue, pleasure, and fantasy. While pornography is not inherently harmful, most of it is degrading to women and focuses on friction rather than connection. It's suggested to explore personal fantasies or use app-connected devices that sync with stories or music for a more personalized and connected experience.
Before leaving, exhaust all options for improvement, such as seeking therapy, learning new skills, and trying new experiences together. If a partner is unwilling to address the issues or seek help, despite efforts, it may be time to consider walking away.
20 Actionable Insights
1. Redefine Sex Beyond Intercourse
Broaden your understanding of sex to include hot makeouts, body rubbing, words of appreciation, languorous kissing, stroking, oral pleasuring, playing with toys, and sex in new locations, as these activities contribute to a fulfilling sex life.
2. Practice Radical Honesty with Love
Commit to complete honesty with your partner about your desires, boundaries, and feelings, ensuring communication is delivered with kindness and love, not judgment, to build deeper connection.
3. Co-Create Your Sexual Connection
Recognize that a great sexual connection is not found but actively built and rebuilt with your partner, allowing for multiple “renaissances” throughout your relationship.
4. Prioritize Female Arousal
Understand that female arousal takes 20-30 minutes to build due to the diffuse nature of erectile tissue; slow down, engage in extensive foreplay, and focus on non-penetrative pleasuring before intercourse.
5. Implement Erotic Play Dates
Schedule dedicated, no-pressure “play dates” focused on connection, exploration, and fun, rather than a guaranteed intercourse outcome, to rekindle desire and intimacy.
6. Embrace Novelty and Variety
Introduce new experiences, locations, pleasure tools, and fantasies to your sex life to prevent boredom and maintain desire in long-term relationships, as safety plus variety equals desire.
7. Heal Sexual Trauma
Address past sexual trauma through talk therapy, somatic release, and by writing down and processing all past hurts with a therapist who can witness and help you move through it.
8. Take Ownership of Your Sexuality
Shift from a victim mindset to taking personal responsibility for learning about your body, pleasure, and what is possible in your sex life, letting go of external blame.
9. Apply the Platinum Rule in Sex
Treat your partner sexually the way they need to be treated, rather than assuming they desire what you do, to ensure mutual satisfaction.
10. Play the “Three Things I Love” Game
Regularly tell your partner three unique things you love about them, especially before lovemaking, and avoid repeating previous compliments, to foster appreciation and deepen connection.
11. Cultivate Mindful Orgasm
Learn to “sit in sensation” and extend orgasms through mindfulness, light touch, and continuous pleasuring, aiming for expanded or “quantum” orgasms that can last longer.
12. Incorporate Yoni Massages
Give yoni (vulva and internal vaginal area) massages, with or without pleasure tools, to activate tissue, increase blood flow, and enhance female pleasure and sensation, especially on a separate day from intercourse.
13. Utilize Pleasure Tools (Sex Toys)
Reframe sex toys as “tools of pleasure” and introduce them collaboratively with your partner to explore new sensations and types of orgasms, overcoming fear or stereotypes.
14. Enhance Breast and Nipple Play
Use oils and varied techniques to pleasure breasts and nipples, recognizing their potential for significant orgasmic pleasure for women, and experiment to find what feels good.
15. Develop Ejaculatory Choice (for men)
For men experiencing premature ejaculation, practice techniques like the “ME Breath” during masturbation to learn to control and slow down arousal and ejaculation, teaching the body to “gas and brake.”
16. Combat Negative Body Image
Challenge self-judgment about your body, especially for women, by practicing self-love and mindfulness to connect with pleasure despite perceived imperfections, as your partner likely finds you attractive.
17. Consider Ethical Non-Monogamy
If both partners are interested, explore ethical non-monogamy or open relationships, prioritizing radical honesty, clear agreements, and safety protocols to ensure physical and emotional well-being.
18. Practice STI Testing Protocol
For those engaging in multiple partners, maintain a protocol for STI testing with new partners before progressing beyond kissing or hands-on contact to ensure safety and prevent long-term negative effects.
19. Seek Couples Therapy for Communication
If communication about sex or relationship issues is difficult, seek couples therapy to provide a neutral space for honest dialogue and navigation, as it can improve the entire relationship.
20. Maintain Holistic Health for Lifelong Sex
Prioritize physical health through exercise and sleep to enhance sexual stamina and enjoyment, ensuring sex can improve throughout your entire life and enable you to “go the distance.”
9 Key Quotes
Often our greatest wound can become our greatest gift.
Susan Bratton
If something isn't good, that they just haven't had it good yet.
Susan Bratton
Sex is a mindfulness practice. You just have to keep bringing yourself back to connection, to your heart.
Susan Bratton
The truth is juicy, exciting, interesting, offensive. No, no, no, because if it's said with love, if thing, if honest, honesty doesn't have to be mean. Honesty is just your truth, your boundaries, your desires.
Susan Bratton
Your mom and your dad did the best they could do. They didn't know anything. They were probably kids themselves. And they loved you. They just weren't equipped to help you with this. Not only that, but it's not really their job. Your sexuality and your sex life is your job.
Susan Bratton
Fear is the enemy of pleasure.
Susan Bratton
I don't even look at it as cheating. I literally look at it as that man was still trying to stay married to me. He loved me.
Susan Bratton
I'm not here to tell anyone that what I do is better than what they do. I am not a polyamorous proponent or any of those things. It's just what I do.
Susan Bratton
I can't come up with something that guy wouldn't be willing to try with me and I keep coming up with stuff and he keeps being a yes and it's really really fun when you're with a partner like that.
Susan Bratton
1 Protocols
Pleasure Protocol
Susan Bratton- Have your partner put a cocoa butter melt (with CBD and botanicals) inside her vagina. It melts almost immediately, making the vagina feel velvety and luscious.
- Apply 'awakened arousal oil' (a few drops) to the outside of the vulva, including the mons, outer labia, inner labia, clitoral shaft and tip, and vestibule. This creates an 'awakening' sensation.
- Use a 'sex oil' for additional slide and glide as needed.
- Apply 'breast oil' to the breasts and nipples, dribbling it on and spreading it around, to explore breast and nipple pleasure, which can lead to 'nipplegasms'.