The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!
Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, reveals how understanding and controlling social cues (body language, vocal tone, words, ornaments) can revolutionize confidence and relationships. The discussion covers practical strategies for improving communication in all aspects of life.
Deep Dive Analysis
18 Topic Outline
The Crucial Role of Cues in Communication
Understanding Ambiverts and Social Energy
The Impact of Words on Perception and Behavior
Managing Your Resting Face and Authentic Smiles
The "First Liker" Principle and Likability Phrases
Self-Narratives and the Luck Experiment
Contagious Emotions and the Q Cycle
The Power of Hand Gestures and Vocal Variety
The Charisma Formula: Warmth and Competence
Specific Cues for Competence and Warmth
Effective Greetings and Social Proxemics
Mastering Messaging and Personal Branding Cues
Using Cues to Enhance Dating and Friendships
The Social Impact of AirPods and Hybrid Work
How to Spot Deception and Liars
Navigating Toxic and Ambivalent Relationships
Strategies for Starting Conversations
Leveraging Your Unique Social Strengths
10 Key Concepts
Cues
Cues are the hidden language spoken by highly successful people, encompassing nonverbal signals from body language, vocal tone, verbal choices, and ornaments, all used to signal warmth and competence.
Ambivert
An ambivert is an individual who gains energy from specific people and environments, capable of dialing up extroversion to achieve goals but requiring significant time to recharge their social battery.
Resting Bothered Face (RBF)
RBF is a real phenomenon where a person's default facial expression at rest can unintentionally make them appear sad, angry, or afraid, often requiring conscious effort to project a more positive impression.
Charisma Formula (Warmth & Competence)
To be charismatic, a person must signal both high warmth (trust, likability, friendliness) and high competence (power, reliability, capability), as these two dimensions account for 82% of initial impressions.
First Liker Principle
This principle states that the most popular people are those who actively and frequently express liking for others through micro-moments of positive acknowledgment, which in turn makes them more likable.
Self-Narrative
Self-narrative is the internal story a person tells themselves about who they are (e.g., hero, healer, victim), which profoundly influences their perception of luck, opportunities, and overall life trajectory.
Q Cycle
The Q Cycle describes a feedback loop where one person's cues (positive or negative) are internalized by another, altering the cues they send back. This negative cycle can be interrupted by consciously labeling the observed cue.
Proxemic Zones
Proxemic zones refer to four distinct spatial distances (public, social, personal, intimate) that govern human interaction. The personal zone, about an arm's length apart, is considered ideal for fostering good conversation and connection.
Signal Amplification Bias
This bias is the mistaken belief that one's internal feelings or nonverbal signals are inherently obvious to others, leading individuals to underestimate the need to explicitly communicate their emotions or intentions.
Ambivalent Relationships
Ambivalent relationships are those where individuals are unsure about their feelings for another person or the other person's feelings for them. These relationships are energetically draining and can cause more unhappiness and stress than clearly toxic relationships.
17 Questions Answered
Highly successful people speak the language of "cues," which are nonverbal signals from body language, vocal tone, verbal choices, and ornaments, used to convey warmth and competence.
An ambivert gains energy from the right people in the right places, capable of being extroverted when needed but requiring recharge time. Knowing this helps optimize social energy by identifying draining versus energizing people and places.
A single word can prime people's brains, influencing their thoughts and actions; for example, calling a game the "community game" made players share twice as much profit as calling it the "Wall Street game."
Resting bothered face is a person's default facial expression at rest, which can unintentionally signal sadness, anger, or fear. It can be managed by consciously activating facial muscles for an upward, open expression, especially during first impressions.
An authentic smile, which activates cheek muscles and reaches the eyes, genuinely improves the mood of those who see it, whereas fake smiles, which do not, have no mood-altering effect.
The most popular people are those who are "first likers," meaning they actively like many other people and demonstrate this through frequent, small positive acknowledgments, which in turn makes them more likable.
People who perceive themselves as lucky are more likely to notice and seize opportunities, while those who feel unlucky tend to miss them, as demonstrated by a study where "lucky" people saw a hidden message in a newspaper.
Emotions and performance are contagious; being within 25 feet of a high performer can improve your performance by 15%, while being near a low performer can decrease it by 30%, and even fear can be chemically "smelled" and caught.
You can stop a negative Q cycle by labeling the negative cue you observe (e.g., "lip purse" or "red flag"), which empowers you to control your internal reaction and subsequent response.
Hand gestures are crucial because the brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe a gesture over words, as it's difficult to lie with hands, and they signal intention, competence, and engagement.
The scientific formula for charisma, according to Dr. Susan Fiske's research, is signaling both high warmth (trust, likability) and high competence (power, reliability), which accounts for 82% of first impressions.
Too much competence without enough warmth can make people suspicious, while too much warmth without enough competence can make one seem like a "bimbo" or "ditz," undermining their perceived capability.
To avoid awkward greetings, clearly signal your desired interaction from a distance: extend a hand for a handshake, or open your arms wide for a hug, preventing ambiguity.
Making friends as an adult involves approaching it like dating, going on "friendship dates" in activity-based settings (e.g., hiking groups, pickleball) to test values and find compatible people.
AirPods are "killing friendship" by eliminating micro-moments of connection in public spaces, making it harder to initiate casual conversations and build weak ties that are crucial for overall happiness and social networks.
Ambivalent relationships, where you are unsure if you like someone or if they like you, are the most damaging because they are energetically draining and cause more unhappiness and stress than clearly toxic relationships.
Don't overthink the opener; a simple "Hey, I'm [Name]" is sufficient. Follow up with an "excitement question" like "Working on anything exciting recently?" or "Do anything fun this past weekend?" instead of "What do you do?"
50 Actionable Insights
1. Be the First Liker
Actively set out to like more people and express that liking through micro-moments of connection, as the most popular individuals are those who genuinely like the most people.
2. Customize Your Charisma Recipe
Choose a personalized ‘recipe’ of warmth and competence cues from the 97 identified, as you don’t need to use all of them to be charismatic; focus on what feels natural and authentic to you.
3. Leverage Social Strengths in Tailored Settings
Identify your unique social strengths (e.g., listening, humor, persuasion) and intentionally create or seek out environments where you can best exercise those strengths, rather than trying to compete in settings that don’t suit you.
4. Carefully Choose Your Inner Circle
Intentionally choose the five people you spend the most time with, ensuring they exhibit cues you want to catch, as proximity to high performers boosts your performance while proximity to low performers decreases it.
5. Embrace and Share Imperfections Early
Embrace and share authentic vulnerabilities or imperfections early in interactions (e.g., job interviews, dates) to trigger the ‘other shoe effect,’ which builds trust and makes you more likable.
6. Adjust Warmth & Competence Cues
Use warmth cues if you’re perceived as intimidating or cold, and competence cues if you’re not taken seriously or are often interrupted, like adjusting a thermostat to balance your impression.
7. Use Priming Words to Influence
Employ specific words in communications like calendar invites, emails, or profiles to cue desired feelings or actions in others, e.g., ‘collaborative session’ instead of ‘meeting’.
8. Employ Vocal Variety for Charisma
Vary your tone, pace, volume, and cadence to make your speech more engaging and to signal importance, numbers, or storytelling, which helps listeners stay attentive.
9. Use Downward Inflection for Conviction
End your sentences with a downward inflection, especially when stating facts, numbers, or boundaries, to signal conviction and ensure you are taken seriously, avoiding the accidental ‘question inflection’ that can imply doubt.
10. Keep Hands Visible to Build Trust
Ensure your hands are visible when interacting, especially in first impressions or on video, as hidden hands can trigger unease and distrust from an evolutionary perspective.
11. Use More Hand Gestures
Increase your use of hand gestures, especially to outline or emphasize points, as it significantly boosts engagement and comprehension, making you appear more competent and honest.
12. Label Negative Cues to Break Cycle
When you observe a negative cue (e.g., eye roll, scoff), mentally label it (e.g., ’lip purse,’ ‘red flag’) to prevent internalizing it and to regain control over your own emotional response and subsequent cues.
13. Ask Excitement-Based Conversation Starters
Replace generic questions like ‘What do you do?’ or ‘How are you?’ with excitement-based questions such as ‘Working on anything exciting recently?’ or ‘Do anything fun this past weekend?’ to foster deeper, more engaging conversations.
14. Use Character Questions for Connection
Ask ‘What book, movie, or TV character is most like you and why?’ to uncover someone’s self-narrative and values, leading to surprisingly deep and authentic conversations.
15. Address Ambivalent Relationships Actively
Actively address ambivalent relationships by asking deeper questions to either move them to a closer intimacy level or decide to distance yourself, as these relationships are more energetically draining than clearly toxic ones.
16. Cultivate a Lucky Mindset
Perceive yourself as lucky, as this mindset literally helps you see more opportunities, while feeling unlucky can cause you to miss them.
17. Optimize Profile Pictures for Cues
Avoid showing the upper whites of your eyes (fear eyes), asymmetrical smiles (contempt), or inauthentic smiles in profile pictures to prevent signaling anxiety, negativity, or insincerity.
18. Understand Resting Facial Expression
Look in a mirror to identify your default resting facial expression (sad, angry, afraid) and consciously counteract it in first impressions to avoid miscommunication.
19. Maximize Earlobe-to-Shoulder Distance
Maintain a relaxed posture with shoulders down and earlobes out to maximize the distance between them, as this directly correlates with appearing and feeling more confident.
20. Employ Lower Lid Flex for Focus
Subtly flex your lower eyelids to signal intense focus and understanding, especially when someone is sharing important information, but be aware it can also signal skepticism if not combined with other positive cues.
21. Make Eye Contact at Sentence Endings
Make direct eye contact at the end of your sentences to emphasize your point and appear more powerful and competent, rather than maintaining 100% eye contact, which can be invasive.
22. Use a Slow Triple Nod
Employ a slow, deliberate triple nod to nonverbally encourage others to speak longer and feel heard, but avoid fast nodding, which signals impatience.
23. Employ a Head Tilt for Warmth
Use a slight head tilt when listening or delivering bad news to appear more warm, empathetic, and likable, as it signals active listening and care.
24. Lean In to Signal Interest
Subtly lean in when someone says something interesting or when you want to emphasize a point, as it signals engagement and a desire to connect, but avoid excessive leaning which can appear submissive.
25. Create Non-Verbal Bridges
Use subtle non-verbal cues like light touches (arm, shoulder), leans, or even just positioning your arm to ’look’ like a touch to bridge physical distance and build warmth and connection.
26. Signal Desired Greeting Clearly
Clearly signal your preferred greeting (handshake, hug, fist bump) from a distance with open body language and appropriate hand positioning to avoid awkward interactions.
27. Optimize Handshake Duration
Aim for a handshake duration of one to three seconds, with a three-second shake for new acquaintances and a quicker one-second shake for those you already know.
28. Offer Thumb-Up Handshake
Offer your hand with your thumb pointing upwards during a handshake to signal equality and avoid appearing submissive or allowing the other person to manipulate the grip.
29. Keep Conversation Openers Simple
Start conversations with basic, low-pressure openers like ‘Hey, nice to meet you’ to allow the other person’s brain to feel safe and open to interaction, rather than overthinking complex questions.
30. Identify Energy-Draining People & Places
Make a list of people and places that drain or charge your social battery to optimize your social interactions, limiting exposure to draining ones.
31. Categorize Relationships by Intimacy
Categorize your top 20 relationships into three levels (general traits, personal concerns, self-narrative) to understand where you stand with people and decide where to invest more deeply.
32. Optimize Physical Environment for Expressiveness
Arrange your physical environment, such as chair type or proximity to a table, to encourage open body language and hand gestures, as this enhances expressiveness and engagement.
33. Maintain Optimal Conversational Distance
Aim for an arm’s length distance (personal zone) in conversations, where you could comfortably shake hands, as this is the ideal space for good connection.
34. Set Camera Distance for Virtual Calls
Position your camera one arm’s length (1.5 to 3 feet) from your nose during video calls to avoid accidentally signaling intimacy cues, which can make others uncomfortable.
35. Plan Purposeful Stage Movement
For public speaking, plan subtle, purposeful movements on stage to help your audience organize and categorize your talk, e.g., using different areas of the stage for science vs. personal stories.
36. Trigger Specific Neural Networks in Branding
Intentionally design your personal brand (e.g., profile pictures, background, props) to trigger specific neural networks in your target audience, attracting those with similar interests and creating ‘allergies’ for those who aren’t a good fit.
37. Use Croissant Feet for Approachability
Angle your feet towards the most active part of a room (or towards someone you want to approach you) to nonverbally signal openness and availability, inviting interaction.
38. Use Repeated Glances to Invite
If you want someone to approach you in a social setting, use multiple quick, darting glances combined with a smile or hair flip, as it can take up to eight glances to signal availability effectively.
39. Gesture Towards Desired Interactions
Subtly gesture in the direction of someone you wish to interact with, even while talking to others, to nonverbally invite them to join the conversation or approach you.
40. Prioritize Weak Ties & Micro-Connections
Be mindful of how technology like AirPods hinders ‘weak ties’ (casual connections) and actively seek out micro-moments of connection in daily life, as these are crucial for happiness and building broader social networks.
41. Look for Incongruent Cues
Pay attention to inconsistencies between verbal and nonverbal cues (e.g., saying ‘yes’ while shaking your head ’no’) as a potential indicator of deception, prompting you to dig deeper.
42. Observe Gesture Usage for Deception
Pay attention to the quantity of gestures someone uses, as liars typically use fewer gestures, which can be a subtle indicator of deceit.
43. Avoid Muting Your Cues
Do not try to be stoic or unreadable, as muting your cues makes people unable to get a read on you, hindering connection and trust.
44. Filter Friendships by Quality
If you’re hesitant to initiate a conversation because you anticipate it being boring or feeling like work, consider that the person might not be a close friend worth investing in.
45. Offer Authentic Smiles
Ensure your smiles are authentic, activating your cheek muscles and reaching your eyes, as genuine happiness is contagious and more effective than a fake smile.
46. Avoid Tapping During Hugs
When hugging, avoid tapping on the back, as this can be perceived as a submissive cue and detracts from an equal, genuine embrace.
47. Use Steeple Hand Gesture
Form a ‘steeple’ with your hands (a relaxed triangle shape) to signal confidence and poise, but avoid drumming fingers, which can appear manipulative.
48. Use Politician’s Handshake with Caution
Use a ‘cupped’ handshake (politician’s handshake) only when genuinely intending to convey high warmth and connection, as it can otherwise appear forced or manipulative.
49. Actively Broadcast Positive Signals
Consciously express your positive feelings and appreciation, as people often don’t pick up on subtle cues, and actively broadcasting these signals makes you more likable.
50. Define Your Desired Emotional Impact
Identify the specific emotion you want people to feel when they encounter your brand (e.g., in emails, on stage, LinkedIn) and intentionally craft your communication to evoke that emotion.
10 Key Quotes
Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words.
Vanessa Van Edwards
If you don't have people skills, you cannot succeed. You cannot succeed in life. You cannot succeed in love. You cannot succeed in business.
Vanessa Van Edwards
The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked.
Vanessa Van Edwards
If you think of yourself as lucky, you literally see more opportunities. If you think of yourself as unlucky, you miss them.
Vanessa Van Edwards
If you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%.
Vanessa Van Edwards
I would rather you have no smile at all or be neutral than fake smile.
Vanessa Van Edwards
If you know how to read the 97 Qs and you see contempt or social rejection or a mouth shrug or a lip purse, all not great Qs, you can in your head say, lip purse, I'm good, or clocked, noted.
Vanessa Van Edwards
We don't sue doctors based on their skills, we sue doctors based on our perception of their skills.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Airpods are killing friendship.
Vanessa Van Edwards
Most people can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy.
Vanessa Van Edwards
6 Protocols
Three Magic Phrases for Likability
Vanessa Van Edwards- Use "I was just thinking of you" authentically when someone comes to mind or something reminds you of them.
- Use "You're always so [positive label]" to give positive labels (e.g., funny, interesting) and fight signal amplification bias.
- Use "Last time we talked, you mentioned [something they lit up about]" to show you remembered something important to them.
Five Power Cues for Competence
Vanessa Van Edwards- The Steeple: Form a relaxed, open triangle with your hands, showing poise and nothing hidden (avoid "evil fingers").
- Max Earlobe-Shoulder Distance: Keep shoulders down and earlobes out, maximizing the distance between them to project confidence and vocal power.
- Eye Contact at Sentence End: Make eye contact specifically at the end of your sentences to emphasize points and appear powerful.
- Lower Lid Flex: Slightly harden your lower eyelids to show intense focus and understanding, making the other person feel truly seen.
- Downward Inflection: End sentences with a downward vocal tone, signaling conviction and ensuring people take you seriously (avoid accidental question inflection).
Five Warmth Cues for Likability
Vanessa Van Edwards- Triple Nod: Use a slow, deliberate triple nod to encourage the other person to speak longer and signal active listening (avoid fast, impatient nods).
- Head Tilt: Slightly tilt your head to expose your ear, signaling listening and empathy, making you appear more warm and likable.
- Authentic Smile: Deliver a genuine smile that reaches your eyes, conveying true happiness and positive emotion.
- The Lean: Subtly lean into the conversation to physically bridge distance, showing interest and making others feel closer.
- Non-Verbal Bridge: Use gestures like a slight reach-out, light touches (if appropriate), or offering a drink to physically or symbolically close the distance and show warmth.
How to Make Friends as an Adult
Vanessa Van Edwards- Change Mindset: Approach finding friends like dating, actively seeking "friend soulmates" rather than expecting friendships to just happen.
- Go on Friendship Dates: Plan one-on-one activities in places you love that can test values or reveal personality traits (e.g., a unique restaurant, an active sport).
- Use Dating Questions: Employ questions like "Working on anything exciting these days?" or "What's your biggest goal right now?" to deepen conversations and assess compatibility.
- Live in the Activity: Consistently participate in activities you love (e.g., hiking groups, sports leagues) to naturally encounter and connect with like-minded people.
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger
Vanessa Van Edwards- Don't Overthink the Opener: Start with a basic, simple greeting like "Hey, I'm [Name]" to make the other person feel safe and comfortable.
- Ask an "Excitement Question": Replace generic questions like "What do you do?" with questions that invite personal enthusiasm, such as "Working on anything exciting recently?" or "Do anything fun this past weekend?"
First Steps to Mastering Communication Cues
Vanessa Van Edwards- Break Autopilot in Conversation: Commit to a 30-day "what do you do" diet, avoiding autopilot questions like "How are you?" or "Where are you from?"
- Assess Your Warmth & Competence: Take a charisma quiz to understand where you naturally fall on the warmth and competence scale.
- Seek External Feedback: Send the charisma quiz to someone who knows you well (e.g., a colleague, partner) and ask them to screenshot their results to compare their perception with your self-perception.