The Dating Doctor: "Start Dating Like It's Your Job!", "Dating Apps Are Impacting Us More Than We Realise!"
Dr. Orion Taraban, a clinical psychologist, discusses the modern relationship crisis, exploring how dating apps and pornography impact attraction and communication. He offers actionable strategies for men and women to navigate the complexities of the current sexual marketplace and build satisfying relationships.
Deep Dive Analysis
21 Topic Outline
The Modern Relationship and Sex Crisis
Societal Impact of Declining Relationships and Birth Rates
Challenges Men Face in Modern Dating and Relationships
The Crisis of Masculinity and Performative Masculinity
The Invisibility and Disposable Nature of Young Men
Challenges Women Face in Modern Dating and Marriage
Applying Business Strategies to Improve Relationships
Increasing Attractiveness and Surface Marketing in Dating
Effective Communication and Emotional Resonance in Dating
The Role of Fame and Renown Over Money in Attraction
Transitioning from Attraction to Long-Term Relationships
The Crisis of Disappointment in Relationships
Dynamics of Value Exchange and Monogamy in Relationships
Understanding Love as a Non-Transactable Gift
Impact of Pornography and OnlyFans on Relationships
Addressing Pornography Addiction and Sublimation of Libido
Advice for Men and Women Struggling to Find Love
Future Impact of AI on Relationships
Defining What It Means to Be a Man in 2024
The Importance of Selfishness and Selection Criteria
Understanding the Economic Model of Relationships
7 Key Concepts
Sexual Dimorphic Characteristics
This is a biological phenomenon where males and females of a species look very different, like a male peacock's bright plumage versus a peahen's duller appearance. In human attraction, emphasizing these visible differences can make individuals more visible and attractive to the opposite sex.
Attraction Proxy
An attraction proxy is something that can attract attention and interest, but is not the direct source of attraction itself. Money is an example; it can attract attention, but it's not strictly necessary for attraction, as other forms of renown or status can also work.
The Game of Please Know
This is a fundamental game of human relationships where one player (the wanter) can only say 'please' and the other (the giver) can only say 'no' or 'yes,' starting from 'no.' It teaches how nonverbal communication, emotional tone, and strategic intent can change a 'no' into a 'yes' by stimulating a desired emotion in the giver.
Vulnerability (Emotional Disclosure)
Beyond its traditional meaning of wound-ability, vulnerability in communication refers to sharing one's present moment emotional experience. This can make it easier for others, especially women, to 'see' and resonate with a man, unlocking understanding and potential connection.
Crisis of Disappointment
This is one of the first crucial crises in nascent relationships, occurring when the initial fantasy upon which the relationship was based shatters. It's at this point, through betrayals or inconsistencies, that partners begin to see each other for who they truly are, marking the real beginning of the relationship.
Non-Transactable Goods (NTGs)
These are aspects of relationships that cannot be bought or earned, but are always given as spontaneous gifts with no strings attached. Key NTGs include loyalty, friendship, and love, which, if truly given, are not bids for transaction.
Sublimation (Libido)
This psychoanalytic concept describes channeling powerful, socially unacceptable impulses, such as the libido (sexual desire), into pro-social or socially acceptable activities. For men, this can mean directing sexual energy into building a company, creating art, or other productive endeavors.
13 Questions Answered
Relationships and casual sex are declining due to factors like the meteoric rise of dating apps, which many people don't use effectively, and a shift in gender dynamics that makes mating and dating more confusing than ever before.
On a macro level, declining relationships and birth rates can lead to population collapse, creating an economic burden where fewer workers support a top-heavy elderly population, potentially destabilizing society.
Men face challenges such as increased difficulty in meeting women, feeling invisible or 'wallpaper,' and a crisis of masculinity that leaves them lost about what it means to be a man, often leading to mental health issues like suicidality.
Women primarily struggle with finding men they want to have long-term relationships with and getting men to commit to marriage, a problem that was less prevalent in previous generations.
Men can increase their attractiveness by focusing on controllable aspects like physical fitness, hygiene, dressing well, and learning effective communication that resonates emotionally with women, rather than just conveying semantic information.
Money is an 'attraction proxy' and can attract attention, but it's not strictly necessary. Renown or fame (even contextual alpha in a small setting) is often more effective than money or power in attracting women, especially for young or less conventionally attractive men.
The biggest mistake men make on a first date is talking too much, often out of a misguided desire to prove their value. This tends to disabuse the woman of the fantasy she had of the man, which was the initial basis for her attraction.
When women are empowered to make their own sexual decisions, they tend to target the top 10% of men, leading to a highly skewed distribution of sexual opportunities, a phenomenon observed in many animal species.
Yes, relationships are fundamentally an exchange of value, where 'value' encompasses anything that can be bought or earned, such as sex, security, excitement, emotional support, and child-rearing, which men and women often value differently at different life stages.
Love is a non-transactable good (NTG) that cannot be bought or earned; it is always a gift given at the spontaneous pleasure of the giver with no strings attached. It is distinct from relationships, as people can be in relationships without love and love people they are not in relationships with.
Pornography has completely changed the game of mating and dating by providing men with an opportunity to exist in a perpetually sexually satisfied state, which can diminish their drive for real-world sexual encounters and pro-social action.
A good man in 2024 fundamentally has a 'spine' (the willingness to stand up for something and take action to fix problems) and a 'pair of balls' (the willingness to deal with the inevitable consequences, resistance, and criticism that come from standing up).
Finding a satisfying long-term relationship involves clarifying one's selection criteria, reducing the number of 'and' requirements, and meeting one's non-sexual needs elsewhere to reduce pressure on a partner. It also requires accepting a partner as they are, rather than trying to change them.
18 Actionable Insights
1. Clarify Relationship Selection Criteria
Identify only the core, non-negotiable needs that must be met in a sexual relationship (e.g., sex, attraction). Meet other needs (e.g., intellectual conversation, shared hobbies) through non-sexual relationships to broaden your applicant pool and reduce pressure on your partner.
2. Date Like It’s Your Job
Treat dating as a numbers game requiring massive action, like a job search. Send out many “resumes,” seek coaching, and research to increase your hit rate and minimize time in the sexual marketplace, overcoming rejection through sheer volume.
3. Prioritize Self-Improvement for Attraction
Everyone can become more attractive. Focus on controllable aspects like physical fitness, hygiene, dressing well, and learning charismatic communication to direct attention and overcome conventional attractiveness liabilities.
4. Understand Feminine Communication Nuances
Recognize that women often communicate to provoke emotional resonance, not just convey semantic information. Men should learn to “vibe” and invest words with emotional content to connect more deeply.
5. Don’t Over-Talk on First Dates
Avoid talking too much on early dates to “prove value,” as this often disabuses the other person of the fantasy they’ve projected onto you. Tread carefully to preserve initial attraction and allow the fantasy to slowly evolve.
6. Discover Purpose Through Action
Avoid fruitless rumination about life’s purpose. Instead, take action, move through the world, and examine your choices in retrospect to discover your true preferences and identity, as answers come from doing, not just thinking.
7. Relationships Begin After Disappointment
True relationships start when the initial fantasy shatters during the “crisis of disappointment,” allowing partners to see each other for who they truly are. This is a necessary step for genuine connection and deeper understanding.
8. Meet Your Partner’s Needs
To have a satisfying relationship, focus on consistently meeting your partner’s core needs and wants. This foundational effort can often reduce the need for superficial “bullshit” (e.g., excessive communication, forced gestures) that doesn’t address underlying dissatisfaction.
9. Cultivate a Spine and Balls
A man needs a “spine” (willingness to stand up for something) and “balls” (willingness to deal with the inevitable consequences, criticism, or resistance that comes from taking a stand). This is fundamental to navigating life and attracting respect.
10. Forgive for Personal Well-being
Practice forgiveness as an emotional survival strategy, relinquishing anger and resentment to prevent your heart from being clouded. Be willing to offer forgiveness first, even if it’s not reciprocated, to free yourself from negative emotions.
11. Create Space in Relationships
Maintain novelty and interest in long-term relationships by creating physical and emotional space from your partner. Constant proximity can diminish attraction and mystery, making absence a valuable tool for rekindling connection.
12. Initiate Indirectly (for Women)
Women can effectively initiate interactions with men they desire through indirect methods that offer plausible deniability (e.g., strategic eye contact, “dropping the handkerchief”). This allows them to choose partners while maintaining social comfort.
13. Address Pornography Addiction by Stopping
To overcome pornography addiction, the primary step is to stop using it. Plan for triggers like boredom or the need for reward by finding alternative, pro-social activities and connections to channel that energy.
14. Relationships are an Exchange of Value
Understand that relationships fundamentally involve an exchange of value, not just love. People move towards those who offer what they want or need, and your “value proposition” must be commensurate with what you seek.
15. Avoid ‘Just Happening’ Mindset
Do not fall into the trap of believing relationships will “just happen” or that a man’s departure means he wasn’t “the one.” Actively provide value and effort to maintain a relationship, as things rarely fall into your lap.
16. Be Cautious of Majority Behavior
Since most people’s lives are not ideal, be wary of following the crowd. Moving in a different direction from the majority can often reveal valuable opportunities or more effective strategies for success.
17. Accept Your Partner as They Are
True love involves accepting your partner without trying to change them. If you cannot accept them as they are, it’s better to find a different partner than to subtly disrespect them by attempting to mold them.
18. Therapy is Not a Panacea
Recognize that therapy has specific uses and limitations. It is effective for certain problems but not a universal cure for all life’s difficulties, so manage expectations accordingly.
6 Key Quotes
Most men are wallpaper. And the world does not treat men very well when they want nothing from them.
Dr. Orion Taraban
The most vulnerable organ in a woman to seduction is her mind, is her brain. Like you, that is her biggest erogenous zone.
Dr. Orion Taraban
You're not on this date because you like me, because you don't fucking know who I am yet. You're here because of what you hope I might be.
Dr. Orion Taraban
Horny men are really useful. Because horny men will do all kinds of incredible things to satisfy that urge. It's actually pro-socially useful to keep men in a horny state.
Dr. Orion Taraban
To my mind, compromise is two people not getting what they want. I think it's better to be pretty selfish and explicit about your selfishness and to find someone who doesn't mind it.
Dr. Orion Taraban
You cannot love something that you do not understand. That's just superstition.
Dr. Orion Taraban
5 Protocols
Overcoming Approach Anxiety for Men
Dr. Orion Taraban- Do not try to surprise a woman; make your approach visible and slow.
- Maintain eye contact from a distance, then approach slowly.
- Keep your hands visible and smile to exude warmth.
- Do not get too close or touch her without explicit invitation.
- Put out tentative bids and listen to her response to adapt your approach.
- Be vulnerable by sharing your present moment emotional experience (e.g., 'I'm trying to get over my approach anxiety. How am I doing?').
Women's Indirect Approach Strategy
Dr. Orion Taraban- Initiate indirectly with plausible deniability (e.g., 'dropping the handkerchief').
- Use eye contact (the 'come hither stare') to call men to you.
- Be prepared to engage if the man responds, or disengage if he is undesirable, maintaining plausible deniability.
Overcoming Addiction (e.g., Pornography)
Dr. Orion Taraban- Stop the behavior immediately; focus on not using for just the next 24 hours.
- Conduct a functional analysis: understand what problem the addiction solves (e.g., loneliness, boredom, reward).
- Plan ahead for contingencies: identify triggers and find authentic, healthy alternative solutions for those needs (e.g., connection for loneliness, productive activity for boredom, healthy rewards for achievements).
- Cultivate and maintain non-sexual relationships (friends, family) to meet needs for connection and purpose.
Dating Strategy for Men Seeking Long-Term Relationships
Dr. Orion Taraban- Treat dating like a job: approach it with massive action and a strategic mindset.
- Send out many 'resumes' (initiate many interactions) to increase opportunities for selection.
- Be prepared for rejection and learn from mistakes, treating it like a behavioral scientist doing A/B testing.
- Diminish the time spent in the sexual marketplace by being proactive and efficient, rather than letting inertia set in.
Cultivating a Satisfying Long-Term Relationship
Dr. Orion Taraban- Clarify your selection criteria, aiming for fewer, more essential criteria.
- Identify needs that can be met in non-sexual relationships (e.g., intellectual conversation with friends) and cultivate those relationships.
- Reduce pressure on your romantic partner to be 'everything' to you.
- Focus on meeting your partner's core needs and wants, as this often negates the need for 'bullshit' relationship interventions.
- Accept your partner as they are; do not try to change them, as this is a subtle form of disrespect.