How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)

1. Recognize Anger’s True Roots

Understand that anger is often a secondary emotion masking deeper feelings like fear or hurt; leading with these connecting emotions can foster understanding and rally support more effectively than anger.

2. Stay On Your Side of the Net

When communicating, especially giving feedback, stick to your own reality (your intent and behavior) and the impact on you, avoiding assumptions about the other person’s reality to prevent defensiveness.

3. Use “When You Do X, I Feel Y”

Structure constructive feedback by stating “When you do [specific behavior], I feel [specific emotion],” explaining the impact, to keep communication focused on observable actions and personal feelings, rather than accusations.

4. Practice 15% Vulnerability

Incrementally step 15% outside your comfort zone when disclosing personal feelings or information to deepen relationships and foster trust without overwhelming yourself or others.

5. Master Artful Inquiry

When seeking to understand others, ask open-ended questions starting with “what,” “when,” “where,” or “how,” and avoid “why” questions, which tend to make people defensive.

6. Address “Pinches” Promptly

Speak up about small irritations or “pinches” in a relationship before they escalate into larger “crunches,” as ignoring them will likely lead to increased irritation and damage the relationship.

7. Practice Appropriate Vulnerability

Leaders should be appropriately vulnerable by sharing genuine feelings or admitting mistakes to build credibility and inspire followership, but avoid disclosures that undermine confidence or are unprofessional.

8. Update Limiting Mental Models

Identify and challenge early-formed mental models (beliefs and assumptions) that may now limit your potential, seeking new experiences to test and update them for personal and professional growth.

9. Reframe Feedback as Data

View all feedback as data, categorizing it as either constructive (for problem-solving) or complimentary (for appreciation and reinforcement), rather than “negative,” to foster a more positive and growth-oriented communication environment.

10. Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, especially one that is widely known, admit it directly; ignoring it will cause you to lose more credibility than acknowledging it.

11. Prioritize Inquiry Over Advice

Resist the urge to immediately offer advice, especially as a leader, and instead prioritize inquiry to understand the situation fully, empower others to find their own solutions, and foster thought partnership.

12. Master Relationship Repair

When interactions go awry, learn to repair by asking “What did you hear me say?” to clarify misunderstandings, acknowledge the other person’s perception, and re-explain your intent, preventing escalation and rebuilding trust.

13. Embrace AFOGs

When experiencing failure or something goes wrong, reframe it as an “Another F***ing Opportunity for Growth” (AFOG) and focus on what you can learn from the experience to gain perspective and aid recovery.

14. Focus on Behavior Change

Recognize that while personality is inherent, behaviors are choices and can be changed through discipline and effort; accept “I don’t want to” as a choice, but challenge “I can’t” when it comes to behavior.

15. Cultivate Dual Awareness

Develop two “antennae”: one to track your own internal state (feelings, thoughts) and another to pick up signals about what might be going on for others, to enhance interpersonal competence and connection.

16. Disclose to Define Yourself

Disclose more about yourself to prevent others from making assumptions or “making shit up” about you, thereby gaining more control over your own self-definition and narrative.

17. View Relationships as Works-in-Progress

Recognize that both individuals and their relationships are continuously evolving, so what worked in the past may need to be re-evaluated and adapted as people change over time.

18. Develop a Feelings Vocabulary

Cultivate a rich vocabulary of feelings to better access and articulate your emotions, which is essential for appropriate disclosure and connecting with others.

19. Leaders Find Best Answers

A leader’s primary role is to ensure the best answer is found within the organization, not necessarily to provide all the answers themselves, fostering collective problem-solving and empowering the team.

20. Read “Connect” Actively with a Partner

To maximize learning from the book “Connect,” read it with someone you want to build a stronger relationship with, and actively engage in the activities provided at the end of each chapter.