How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin

1. Cultivate Abundance Mindset

Approach interactions with self-confidence and the calm of abundance, understanding that this isn’t your only opportunity and focusing on building relationships rather than transactional gains.

2. Prioritize Low Heart Rate

The ultimate goal of etiquette is to show up in any room with a low heart rate, fostering ease and comfort for yourself and others, which helps build trust and project confidence.

3. Signal Effort and Respect

Demonstrate respect for others and the situation by showing you’ve made an effort, as the signaling of effort often matters as much as the actual action.

4. Be Early, Not Too Early

Arrive 10-15 minutes early for meetings to allow buffer time and maintain a low heart rate, but avoid arriving an hour early to prevent awkward waiting periods.

5. Apologize Simply for Lateness

If you are late, apologize simply and move on without making a big deal out of it. Conversely, do not make others feel bad if they are late.

6. Give a Firm Handshake

Offer a strong, firm handshake without crushing the other person’s hand, as it demonstrates confidence and engagement.

7. Repeat Names Back

When meeting someone, repeat their name back to them (e.g., ‘Lenny, it’s great to meet you’) to show you’re making an effort to remember it and connect.

8. Maintain Eye Contact

Make at least an effort to maintain eye contact during conversations to show you are present, engaged, and respectful of the other person’s time.

9. Introduce Partner First

When with your partner, introduce them first to others, bringing them into the conversation and showing respect.

10. Remember Names Gracefully

If you forget someone’s name, introduce your partner to them first (e.g., ‘Jessica, I want to introduce you…’) and let the other person re-introduce themselves to your partner, allowing you to pick up their name.

11. Use ‘Great to See You’

Opt for ‘Great to see you’ instead of ‘Nice to meet you’ if you are unsure whether you have met someone before, avoiding potential embarrassment for all parties.

12. Welcome Others into Conversation

Be inclusive in conversations, welcoming others rather than monopolizing someone’s attention, especially in group settings or with influential individuals.

13. Ask Questions (Ping-Pong Style)

Ask questions to engage others, treating conversation like a game of ping-pong where you hit the ball back and forth, rather than an inquisition or a monologue.

14. Match Vocabulary and Tone

Adjust your vocabulary and tone to meet people where they are, making them feel relaxed and welcome, rather than trying to mirror them exactly.

15. Leave Them Wanting More

Conclude interactions leaving people interested in continuing the conversation or meeting again, rather than feeling they’ve heard your entire life story.

16. Excuse Yourself Gracefully

Recognize when a conversation or social interaction is winding down and gracefully excuse yourself, rather than lingering awkwardly.

17. Treat Famous People as People

When meeting famous or influential individuals, avoid being sycophantic or ridiculous; treat them as people and aim for a pleasant, iterative interaction.

18. Use Humor Sparingly

Employ humor sparingly and smartly, understanding your audience and the social context, as a well-placed joke can show comfort, but a failed one is a high-risk maneuver.

19. Self-Deprecating Humor is Safe

Make fun of yourself rather than other people, as self-deprecating humor is generally safe and effective, while making fun of others requires extreme familiarity.

20. Have Stories Ready

Keep a few fun, build-on stories in your arsenal to contribute to conversations, ensuring they are not lengthy monologues.

21. Gracefully Exit Conversations

When winding down a conversation, subtly bring someone else into it or state you’re going to grab a drink (not an invitation to follow), respecting the other person’s space.

22. Subtle Fragrance Only

Ensure your scent is not noticeable, avoiding overpowering perfumes or colognes, and certainly not smelling bad.

23. Dress Respectfully

Look put together and make an effort to dress appropriately for the occasion, neither massively overdressing nor underdressing, to show respect for the room.

24. Dress One Level Up

As a simple win, dress one level up from the expected attire, but avoid going two or three levels higher.

25. Prioritize Fit Over Brand

Focus on the fit of your clothing over expensive brands; a well-fitting, inexpensive item looks much better than a misfitting, costly one.

26. Avoid Ostentatious Items

Do not wear overtly expensive or flashy items like a Rolex as a startup founder, as it can appear classless and signal you’re trying too hard.

27. Ask About Dress Code

If you are unsure about the appropriate dress code, it is perfectly acceptable to ask, as it shows confidence and humility.

28. Seek Dressing Advice

Find someone in your social circle who dresses well and ask them for advice on how to improve your own style.

29. Keep Virtual Backgrounds Real

For video calls, use a real background that is tidy (e.g., made bed, closed closet) rather than a virtual background, which can be less authentic.

30. Tip Generously

Tip well, with 20% being a minimum, and sometimes 30%, to ensure no one feels you are stingy and to avoid your tip being memorable for the wrong reasons.

31. Avoid Most Expensive Menu Item

When being hosted for a meal, do not order the most expensive item on the menu, as hosts may notice insensitivity to cost.

32. Don’t Order First at Meals

When dining with others, especially if being hosted, try not to order first; let someone else set the tone for starters, drinks, and meal length.

33. Offer to Pay (Within Reason)

Always offer to pay for a meal, even if you expect to be declined, as it is a polite gesture, but be mindful of extremely expensive bills.

34. Tip Like the Host Would

If you are paying for a meal with a very well-known or wealthy person, tip as generously as they would (potentially 100% of the bill) to match their expected standard.

35. Offer Sommelier a Sip

If you order a nice bottle of wine, offer the sommelier a sip, showing generosity and appreciation for their expertise.

36. Remember Plate Placement (B/D)

Use the ‘B for bread, D for drinks’ mnemonic by looking at your hands to correctly identify your bread plate and drink glass at a set table.

37. Knife Blade Inward

When placing your knife on the table, ensure the blade is pointed inward towards your plate, not outward towards others.

38. Napkin in Lap

Place your napkin in your lap, not tucked into your neck or off to the side, as proper dining etiquette.

39. Clean Up After Yourself

After a meeting or meal, offer to put your coffee cup or other items away, demonstrating respect for the space and staff.

40. Provide Real Scheduling Options

When asking someone to schedule, ensure you provide real and flexible availability, or let the busier person dictate their free times.

41. Avoid Calendly by Default

Do not use Calendly as a default scheduling tool, especially if you are the less senior or busy person; instead, offer to work around their schedule.

42. Be Flexible When Rescheduling

If you initiate a reschedule, be even more accommodating and flexible to the other person’s availability, making it work for them within reason.

43. Double-Check Time Zones

Always double-check time zones when scheduling meetings to avoid errors and ensure the meeting time is reasonable for all participants.

44. Respect EAs and PAs

Show deep respect for Executive Assistants (EAs) and Personal Assistants (PAs) by thanking them, making eye contact, and following up, as they are crucial gatekeepers.

45. Limit Emojis in Business

Avoid using emojis in business communications unless the other person initiates their use, as they can imply too much familiarity or be misinterpreted.

46. Proofread Communications

Always proofread your emails and messages to ensure clarity and professionalism, avoiding mistakes that can signal a lack of attention to detail.

47. Be Concise in Communication

Keep communications short and to the point, assuming the recipient is busy and avoiding lengthy paragraphs that demand significant reading time.

48. Respond Promptly (SLA)

Aim to respond to emails with at least a quick acknowledgment, as an informal ‘SLA’ (Service Level Agreement) to avoid leaving people hanging.

49. Mind Email Recipient Order

Be mindful of the order of recipients in the ‘To’ and ‘CC’ fields of an email, as it subtly signals who you consider most important or the primary audience.

50. Don’t Reply All to BCC

If you are BCC’d on an email, never reply all, as it violates the intended privacy and can lead to awkward situations.

51. Camera On for Virtual Meetings

Always turn your camera on for virtual meetings to show engagement and presence, unless there’s a specific reason not to.

52. Stand When Others Leave

Stand up when people leave the table or conclude a meeting, especially when shaking hands, as a sign of respect.

53. Send Thank You Notes

Follow up with gratitude by sending short, appreciative thank you notes after meetings or interactions, acknowledging the other person’s time.

54. Don’t Take Calls During Exit

When exiting a meeting, if your phone rings, hit ‘calling you right back’ and walk away, rather than picking up the call in front of others.

55. Exit Without Production

Avoid making a grand production of your departure from a social gathering; a subtle ‘Irish goodbye’ is often preferred in large group settings.