Scripts for difficult conversations: Giving hard feedback, navigating defensiveness, the three questions you should end every meeting with, more | Alisa Cohn (executive coach)

Jan 5, 2025 1h 23m 25 insights Episode Page ↗
Executive coach Alyssa Cohn shares specific language and frameworks for leaders to navigate difficult conversations, including performance feedback, promotion denials, and firing. She also provides strategies for effective meetings and a "founder prenup" for co-founder alignment.
Actionable Insights

1. Align Co-Founder Values

Engage in a values clarification exercise with co-founders before starting a company to understand each other’s core values (e.g., excellence vs. work-life balance). This helps prevent future conflicts by addressing potential misalignments early.

2. Align Company Vision

Discuss and align on the vision for the company’s success (e.g., independent business vs. big venture outcome). This ensures co-founders share a common understanding of what “winning” looks like, preventing painful reckonings later.

3. Understand Conflict Styles

Discuss how each co-founder handles conflict, ideally with input from close contacts for self-awareness. This helps prevent “conflict over conflict” by understanding preferred approaches (e.g., immediate discussion vs. processing time).

4. Pre-Define Disagreement Resolution

Establish an upfront process for how decisions will be made when co-founders disagree (e.g., whoever cares most wins, best expertise wins, or alternating wins). This provides a clear framework for navigating inevitable disagreements productively.

5. Align Company Culture

Discuss and align on the desired company culture (e.g., family-like vs. results-focused). This prevents the emergence of “two different companies” with conflicting standards and expectations among teams.

6. Focus on Results, Not Happiness

Shift your mindset as a leader from primarily making employees happy to driving towards results. While engagement is good, focus on creating a winning culture with clear expectations and roles, as this ultimately leads to genuine satisfaction and company success.

7. Embrace Difficult Conversations

Recognize that discomfort in difficult conversations often stems from fear of upsetting others or creating extra work. Lean into these conversations, understanding they offer opportunities for growth, revelation, and stronger relationships.

8. Right Mindset for Feedback

Before a difficult conversation, get your mindset right by clarifying your intention (e.g., helping them improve, not venting). This ensures your feedback is delivered constructively and helps you stay even-keeled.

9. Deliver Performance Feedback

Start by stating what you’re hearing or observing (e.g., “I want to chat about the way you’re interacting with peers. What I’m hearing is…”). Use phrases like “we both know” to establish shared understanding, and clearly state what needs to change by the end of the discussion.

10. Use Observable Facts

When giving feedback, focus on observable facts and specific reasons, not judgments or feelings (e.g., “What I’ve observed is that they can often be not as structured”). This makes feedback easier to give and hear, and less likely to be perceived as personal.

11. Build Relationship with Positive Feedback

Regularly provide specific positive feedback to build trust and a “reservoir of goodwill” with your team. This ensures that when difficult conversations arise, employees perceive your intent as helpful, not critical.

12. Pause Defensive Conversations

If someone becomes defensive or emotional, pause the conversation and remind them your intention is to help their career. Offer to continue later if needed, using phrases like “the energy has changed” or “this is really upsetting you” to acknowledge their state without escalating conflict.

13. Communicate Promotion Denial

Be upfront about the decision (e.g., “I know this will be challenging to hear…”). Provide clear reasoning for the decision, and crucially, offer hope for the future by outlining opportunities for skill development and career advancement within the company.

14. Handle Promotion Disagreement

If an employee disagrees with a promotion denial (e.g., “I do have those skills”), acknowledge their perspective (e.g., “I understand you believe…”) but reiterate the decision and your reasoning. If pushback continues, pause the conversation and offer to revisit it later, while affirming the decision stands.

15. Give Clear Pre-Firing Warning

Before firing, have a “crystal clear” conversation stating the specific, repeated issues and the consequence if they are not fixed within a defined timeframe (e.g., “fix this within the next 30 days. Otherwise, we’ll have to part ways”). This ensures no surprise and gives a final chance.

16. Execute Firing Conversation

Once the decision is made and legal/HR consulted, keep the firing conversation simple and direct. Remind them of previous warnings, state the decision to terminate, and introduce HR to discuss logistics.

17. Close Meetings Effectively

To ensure forward progress and continuity, end every meeting by asking: “What did we decide here?”, “Who needs to do what by when?”, and “Who else needs to know?”. This clarifies outcomes, assigns responsibilities, and ensures information cascades.

18. Operationalize Meeting Follow-Up

Assign someone (the “meetings owner” or “follower-upper”) to capture and articulate the answers to the three end-of-meeting questions. Make this a ritual, dedicating 5-10 minutes at the end of each meeting to ensure follow-through.

19. Provide Structure & Accountability

As a leader, recognize your job includes structuring the team, holding people accountable, setting goals, and course-correcting. While vision is important, ensure these foundational elements are in place, potentially by partnering with a COO if it’s not your strength.

20. Adopt Proven Leadership Practices

While first-principles thinking is valuable, recognize that effective ways to structure groups, establish hierarchy, define roles, and set goals (e.g., OKRs) are often “well-trod.” Get through the experimental stage quickly to avoid constantly reinventing leadership wheels.

21. Discern Patience vs. Process

As a leader, develop the wisdom to discern if a project delay or issue requires patience or indicates a “massive process problem.” If you lack a clear plan, hear uncomfortable silence, or haven’t investigated, it’s likely a process issue requiring deeper engagement.

22. Share Your Operating Manual

Develop a “personal operating manual” (or “read me”) that outlines your preferred working style, communication preferences, pet peeves, and delegation style. Share this with your team to foster better workplace harmony and save conflict for truly important issues.

23. Practice Deep Listening (Coaching)

If aspiring to be a coach, practice listening more deeply and asking profound “why” questions (e.g., “Where is that coming from?”). This helps you go beneath the surface and determine if you enjoy the process of truly understanding people.

24. Learn from Failures

In moments of failure or low points, actively seek to learn from the experience and use it as “fuel to build your skills.” Recognize that even significant setbacks can be transformed into opportunities for growth and improvement.

25. Consistent Action Overcomes Fear

When facing fear or uncertainty, especially in challenging new ventures, commit to consistently taking action, regardless of immediate wins or losses. This persistent effort will eventually lead to progress and desired outcomes.