Dr Aria - Mental Health, Marriage and Mindfulness

Jun 26, 2019 1h 36m 23 insights
Dr. Aria, a high-performance coach, details his personal journey of processing his wife's affair and pregnancy, and cultivating emotional resilience. The conversation explores self-awareness, detaching from ego, and questioning conventional relationship models like monogamy and marriage.
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Inner Stillness

Develop a deep sense of calmness and clarity within yourself, as this inner stillness will help you navigate and overcome any challenges life presents, no matter how severe.

2. Observe Thoughts Without Judgment

Recognize that you are not your thoughts; you are the observer of them. This detachment allows you to analyze thoughts like vengeance or self-harm without judgment, understanding they are merely the mind’s attempt to cope or solve a problem.

3. Detach from Ego

Avoid anger and vulnerability by detaching from your ego, which often creates a sense of ownership or personal attack. When you link events to your ego, you become vulnerable, but recognizing that you are not your ego allows you to maintain perspective.

4. View Life as Happening to Others

Cultivate the ability to perceive your life experiences, thoughts, and emotions as if they are happening to someone else. This perspective creates space, allowing you to analyze and address situations more objectively rather than being overwhelmed by them.

5. Question Conventional Life Scripts

Interrogate and potentially reject societal norms and conventional ways of living, as much misery and unhappiness stem from trying to conform. Apply first-principles thinking to every facet of life to write a new, bespoke story for yourself.

6. Develop a Robust Sense of Self

Work on building an unshakable and immovable sense of self that can experience the full spectrum of life’s emotions without being fundamentally impacted. This robust self-awareness is crucial for navigating challenges like relationship dysfunction or feelings of inadequacy.

7. Practice Forgiveness for Self-Liberation

Actively work towards forgiving those who have wronged you, not for their benefit, but to release yourself from the emotional burden of anger and resentment. This process makes your own life easier and allows you to travel lighter emotionally.

8. Don’t Avoid Difficult Emotions

Allow yourself to fully experience and welcome whatever emotions arise, rather than trying to shun, deny, or disconnect from them. Avoiding emotions can lead to counterproductive cycles and prevent true processing and healing.

9. Focus on One Moment at a Time

When faced with overwhelming situations, concentrate solely on the present moment and what it brings. This prevents being overwhelmed by future anxieties or multiple factors, allowing you to deal with challenges incrementally.

10. Set High Standards for Crisis Response

In difficult times, commit to actions that uphold your personal integrity and that you can be proud of later. Prioritize how you navigate the process over how quickly you get through it, avoiding vengeance or spiteful behavior.

11. Write Down Insights for Clarity

Keep a record of insights and reminders about your situation and how you want to handle it. Refer back to these notes when emotions cloud your judgment to re-shift your mental paradigm and maintain a clear perspective.

12. Remind Yourself of Reality

Actively dismantle and accept the reality of a situation, especially when it contradicts your internal model of how life should be. This involves acknowledging that things are over and will not change, allowing you to move forward.

13. Challenge Mind’s Negative Narratives

When your mind attempts to create reasons for guilt or shame, accept the thought but consciously decide not to pursue that line of thinking. This prevents getting trapped in unhelpful mental loops that don’t align with your calm, clear wisdom.

14. Embrace Non-Linear Recovery

Understand that the path to recovery from deceit or betrayal is rarely linear, involving peaks and troughs. Accepting this non-linear process as normal and natural can make your journey through pain more manageable.

15. Prepare for Life’s Emergencies

Rehearse potential challenges and difficult scenarios in your mind, much like astronauts prepare for launch, to cultivate calmness and clarity. This mental preparation helps you remain grounded and make better decisions during uncertainty or threat.

16. Question Deepest Assumptions

Take time to step back and reflect on your most fundamental beliefs about relationships, life, and societal constructs. This critical examination can reveal that many ’truths’ are social constructions, opening new possibilities.

17. Identify Underlying Emotional Needs

When pursuing goals like marriage or career success, ask yourself what emotional need you believe it will fulfill. Understanding these deeper yearnings allows you to explore alternative, bespoke ways to meet those needs beyond conventional models.

18. Maintain Personal Identity in Relationships

Strive to stay true to your authentic self and avoid becoming a ‘sanitized’ version of yourself to please a partner. Losing intrinsic parts of who you are can slowly suffocate desire and connection in a relationship.

19. Prioritize Space in Relationships

Recognize the importance of personal space and autonomy in a romantic partnership, treating it similarly to a best friendship. This allows both individuals to maintain their independence and prevents the feeling of being ‘on top of each other’.

20. Evaluate Relationships Daily

Instead of viewing commitment as a lifelong guarantee, ask yourself each day if you are happy to spend that day with your partner in that relationship. If the answer is no, it signals something that needs to be addressed.

21. Maintain Physical Intimacy

Recognize the critical importance of physical intimacy in distinguishing a romantic partnership from a mere friendship. When this aspect of the relationship dies, it can irrevocably shake its foundation, regardless of other connections.

22. Embrace All Aspects of Self

Strive to integrate and express all facets of your personality, including those that might seem contradictory (e.g., ’lady in the streets and a freak in the bed’). Suppressing parts of yourself can lead to a loss of desire and authenticity.

23. Recognize Growth in Suffering

Understand that even the deepest moments of suffering can serve as opportunities for profound personal growth and learning. Embrace these challenges as catalysts for becoming stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.