Elizabeth Day Opens Up About Heartbreak, Miscarriage & Failure

1. Challenge Societal Expectations of Success

Redefine failure as when life doesn’t go according to your plan, not society’s. Question if your life’s metrics are genuinely what will make you happy or if they’re conditioned by external influences like media or patriarchal norms.

2. Cultivate Internal Self-Worth

Stop outsourcing your self-worth to external validation, such as academic achievements or others’ opinions. Recognize that true validation comes from within and from the cornerstone relationships with a few trusted individuals you love most.

3. Consciously Curate Your Social Media

Actively unfollow and mute toxic accounts or content that promotes unhealthy comparison. Make your social media context smaller and healthier to protect your self-worth from the “curated perfection” often displayed online.

4. Practice Conscious Social Media Engagement

To protect your mental well-being, use social media consciously by turning off notifications, putting your phone on airplane mode (especially in the morning or when working), and muting viral posts to avoid negative feedback spirals.

5. Overcome People-Pleasing Tendencies

Recognize that extreme people-pleasing can be a form of selfishness, as it prevents you from truly knowing and being yourself. Learn to say no, ask for what you deserve (e.g., pay raises), and avoid conflict by directly communicating your feelings.

6. Communicate Needs Directly in Relationships

In personal relationships, clearly express your feelings and needs without blame or excessive emotion. This pragmatic approach allows your partner to understand, strategize, and take action, fostering genuine connection and mutual respect.

7. Understand and Apply Love Languages

Identify your own and your partner’s primary love languages (e.g., acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch). This understanding helps you give and receive love in ways that are most meaningful and effective for both individuals.

8. Embrace Solitude and Re-evaluate Social Circles

Use periods of isolation to get comfortable with loneliness and re-evaluate your social engagements. Prioritize investing time in a small, core group of truly meaningful friendships and relationships that offer genuine acceptance.

9. Separate Self-Worth from Ambition

Understand that you are intrinsically “enough” regardless of your achievements or accomplishments. This foundational belief frees you from externally driven ambitions and allows you to pursue goals that genuinely matter to you for intrinsic reasons.

10. Question Preconceived Notions and Questions

Actively question common societal beliefs and the underlying assumptions in questions (e.g., “soulmate,” “finding your passion”). Many questions carry unintended “bullshit” presumptions that can hinder self-acceptance and authentic living.

11. Manage Expectations for Greater Contentment

Strive for happiness by ensuring your expectations of life are equal to or less than your perception of how events actually turn out. Consciously managing expectations can lead to greater contentment.

12. Observe and Reframe Negative Thoughts

Recognize that your thoughts are products of your brain, not your identity. Practice observing your thoughts and actively training your brain to replace negative ones with positive reframes, even in the face of profound grief or criticism.

13. Utilize Exercise for Mental Clarity

Engage in regular physical exercise not just for physical health, but as a powerful tool to get out of your head, process bothering thoughts, and gain mental clarity, often leading to new insights and ideas.

14. Embrace Creative Fallow Periods

Don’t feel guilty for not constantly “doing” or producing. Allow your brain rest and creative “fallow periods” (e.g., taking walks, observing surroundings) to foster inspiration and make future work more fertile.

15. Accept Failure as an Inevitable Fact

Understand that failure is an inevitable fact of life that will happen to everyone. Accepting this reality can be liberating, allowing you to take risks and control your response to setbacks rather than trying to avoid them.

16. Know When to Remove Yourself

If you find yourself in a situation, such as a workplace, that isn’t generous enough to support you after failures or doesn’t allow you to be your true self, consider removing yourself to find a more suitable environment.

17. Seek Support During Difficult Times

When experiencing low points or significant setbacks, do not try to manage it alone. Reach out for support from trusted friends, therapists, work helplines, or mental health charities.

18. Mourn Loss Without Reliving Pain

For profound losses or cataclysmic failures, allow yourself a process of mourning, but choose not to constantly relive the pain. Define yourself by your response and find meaning, rather than becoming a victim of the circumstances.

19. Take Personal Responsibility for Responses

Acknowledge your starting point and any privileges, but embrace personal responsibility for your responses and choices, even when external circumstances are not your fault.

20. Reframe Relationship Endings as Learning

Understand that a relationship ending does not signify failure, but rather an opportunity to learn something instructive about yourself. This perspective creates space for new beginnings and growth.

21. Develop the Skill of Quitting

Recognize that quitting is as much a skill as starting. Knowing when and how to gracefully exit situations, relationships, or endeavors that are no longer serving you is crucial for moving forward and creating space for new opportunities.

22. Allow Yourself to Feel Sadness

Do not avoid feelings of sadness or discomfort, as these emotions are an essential part of life’s texture. Embracing these feelings is necessary for understanding, personal growth, and appreciating the full spectrum of human experience.

23. Adopt “Rejection is Protection” Mindset

When facing rejection, choose to believe that the person or situation was not truly right for you. This mindset can help you cope with heartbreak, move forward, and protect your self-esteem.

24. Process Heartbreak in Phases

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, allow yourself to feel heartbroken and sad, even resorting to temporary blame if necessary to cope. Once the initial phase passes, take responsibility for your part in the dynamic to avoid repeating mistakes.

25. Share Vulnerabilities for Deeper Connection

Choose to be open about your vulnerabilities in safe and appropriate spaces. This paradoxical act leads to greater strength, fosters real connections, and helps others feel less alone, as personal shame often holds universal resonance.

26. Leaders Should Model Authentic Vulnerability

Leaders should bring their authentic, whole selves to work, acknowledging that life can be tough and sharing how they address challenges. This approach, rather than wearing a mask of perfection, builds confidence and trust within a team.

27. Stand Up for Your Integrity

If criticism or misrepresentation deeply attacks your core integrity and misreads your true intentions, it is sometimes important to draw breath and respond calmly to state your position and correct the record.

28. Cultivate an Abundance Mindset

Combat competitiveness and envy by believing in an abundance of resources, including success, money, and love. Approaching life from a generous place can create a positive feedback loop and attract more good into your life.

29. View Your 20s as Transition

Understand that your 20s are a decade for discovering who you are, rather than having your life completely sorted out. Embrace this period of transition and self-discovery, as greater self-knowledge often comes with age.