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1. Change Yourself to Change Other

Recognize that you contribute to your partner’s behavior in a relationship dynamic. If you want to change the other person or the relationship dynamic, focus on changing your own actions and responses, as this will inevitably influence their behavior.

2. Actively Conjugate Love

Understand that love is a verb and an active practice, not a permanent state of enthusiasm. Continuously engage in actions, expressions, and shared experiences to keep the relationship alive and prevent it from degrading over time.

3. Prioritize Relationship Needs

Before acting or speaking, ask yourself what impact your words or actions will have on the relationship. Make choices that serve the relationship’s well-being, rather than solely your immediate desires, as the relationship ultimately serves you in return.

4. Stop Half-Acknowledging, Be Present

At the end of a long day, pause your work and give your partner full, dedicated attention for at least 30 seconds. This small ritual of a kiss, hug, or gaze can relax their nervous system, make them feel valued, and prevent them from seeking your attention intrusively.

5. Express Gratitude for Balance

Acknowledge and thank your partner for the ways they balance your life and make your pursuits possible. Instead of apologizing for your absence or independence, express appreciation for their contributions, which fosters interdependence and makes them feel meaningful in your life.

6. Invest Creativity in Relationships

Apply the same level of creativity, attention, and imagination to your relationships at home as you do to your work or business. Avoid complacency and laziness, as giving only your ’leftovers’ to your partner will cause the relationship to degrade.

7. Put Down Your Phone

Make a conscious effort to put your phone down for an hour or more when with your partner. Constant phone use signals that something else is more important, leading to ambiguous loss and a sense of loneliness in the relationship.

8. Acknowledge Bids for Connection

Pay attention to and acknowledge your partner’s small ‘bids for connection,’ such as sharing an article or a video. Turning towards these small gestures, rather than ignoring them, reinforces connection and prevents the relationship from being taken for granted.

9. Take Walks Together

Incorporate regular walks into your routine with your partner, as it’s one of the few times you can’t be distracted by screens. Walking side-by-side allows for natural conversation and connection, changing the dynamic playfully.

10. Do New Things Together

Engage in new activities and experiences with your partner that involve an element of risk or novelty. This helps regenerate the relationship, makes you less predictable to each other, and fosters desire by exploring the unknown together.

11. Identify Sexual Longings

Engage in deeper conversations about sex by exploring what you truly look for, seek to express, and find pleasurable beyond just physical acts. This involves discussing fantasies, imagination, and the meaning of sex for each person, creating a richer sexual vocabulary.

12. Manage Relationship Paradoxes

Understand that relationship issues are not problems to be solved with binary answers, but rather paradoxes to be managed. Learn to live with contradictions, such as the need for both security and freedom, by actively playing with these polarities.

13. Create Distance and Observe Partner

Reignite attraction by creating healthy distance and observing your partner in their element, passionate and competent. Also, notice how others perceive your partner, as seeing them through a ’third eye’ can help you appreciate aspects you might have overlooked.

14. Commit to Relationship Changes

Choose specific actions to improve your relationship and commit to them consistently, without making your efforts contingent on your partner’s immediate response. This personal accountability is key to transforming relationship dynamics.

15. Ask ‘What Are We Fighting For?’

During conflict, shift your focus from ‘what are we fighting about?’ to ‘what are we fighting for?’. This reframing helps uncover underlying unmet needs like trust, recognition, or control, leading to more productive resolution.

16. Write a Letter to Your Partner

Periodically write a heartfelt letter to your partner, reflecting on your relationship, shared experiences, and appreciation for them. This act of thoughtful communication can deeply affirm your value for them and the relationship, acting as a powerful lubricant.

17. Integrate Outsourced Needs

Recognize that you may outsource certain needs, like dependency or connection, to your partner because you are conflicted about them yourself. True change occurs when you integrate these disavowed parts of your own needs.

18. Rewrite Childhood Legacy

While you cannot change your past experiences, you can actively rewrite their legacy, meaning, and influence on your present relationships. Understand that childhood miseries can sometimes foster acute awareness and lead to becoming the opposite of what you experienced.

19. Allow Unstructured Play for Kids

Encourage children to engage in unchoreographed, unmonitored free play with other kids, rather than solely structured activities or screen time. This fosters crucial social skills, conflict resolution, and the ability to tolerate uncertainty.

20. Tolerate Uncertainty

Cultivate an appetite for uncertainty and risk-taking in life. Over-reliance on control and predictability, often fostered by technology, can lead to increased anxiety and a diminished capacity for innovation and personal growth.

21. Look for Decency in People

Prioritize decency and kindness when evaluating people, rather than being impressed by money, fame, or education. This grounded perspective helps identify genuine human connection and character.