FBI’s Top Hostage Negotiator: The Art Of Negotiating To Get Whatever You Want: Chris Voss

1. Aim for “That’s Right” Confirmation

Strive to elicit the phrase “That’s right” from your counterpart in any interaction, as it signals they feel truly understood, potentially triggering oxytocin for bonding and increasing their likelihood to be truthful.

2. Facilitate Self-Discovery in Others

In negotiations or problem-solving, guide others to discover solutions on their own rather than offering direct advice, as people are more likely to commit to ideas they perceive as their own.

3. Prioritize Active Listening

Develop active listening as an advanced skill in all interactions, as it builds trust and understanding, ultimately increasing the speed and efficiency of future deals and relationships in the long term.

4. Acknowledge and Label Negative Emotions

Identify and verbally label the negative emotions someone is feeling (e.g., “It sounds like you feel out of control”), as this acknowledges their experience, makes them feel heard, and diminishes the negative emotional impact.

5. Identify Others’ Fear of Loss

Understand that human decisions are primarily driven by the fear of loss, which is often twice as powerful as the desire for gain; identify what others are worried about losing to better understand their motivations.

6. Uphold Truthfulness in Negotiations

Avoid lying in negotiations because skilled counterparts can detect it, and even if successful, it risks your long-term reputation and trust, which is crucial for future interactions.

7. Shift to Collaborative Conversation

Frame your responses to avoid misleading or adversarial tones, instead expressing a willingness to check possibilities even if you doubt their success, to foster a collaborative environment essential for long-term relationships.

8. Prompt Slow Thinking with Questions

In high-stakes or time-sensitive situations, ask open-ended questions that encourage the other person to ponder and engage in “slow thinking,” leading them to own their eventual decisions.

9. Employ a Calm, Confident Tone

In emotional negotiations, use a soothing, calming voice that conveys confidence, as this tone can trigger an involuntary neurochemical response that calms the other person down and fosters collaboration.

10. Use Verbal Mirroring

Employ verbal mirroring by repeating the last one to three words or a key gist of what someone said, as this is a highly effective, non-manipulative technique to encourage them to elaborate and feel heard.

11. Convert Trauma into Growth

After experiencing traumatic events, aim for post-traumatic stress growth by using the experience to improve yourself and your strategies, rather than succumbing to lasting trauma.

12. Embrace Chaos, Run to Trouble

Actively seek out and engage with difficult or chaotic situations, as this approach often leads to less criticism and more opportunities for decisive action when others are hesitant.

13. Cultivate Hard Work and Problem-Solving

Develop an attitude of working hard, being honest, and figuring things out, as this mindset can help you overcome many challenges and achieve success.

14. Study Difficult Human Behavior

Instead of being drained by difficult people, approach them with fascination to learn how to communicate effectively, as human behavior patterns are consistent across various contexts like crisis and business negotiations.

15. Volunteer to Learn Skills

Volunteer in challenging environments like a suicide hotline not just to help, but primarily to learn valuable skills, which can also provide the secondary benefit of serving the community.

16. Choose Mentors Wisely

Only seek advice or direction from individuals who have achieved what you aspire to or whose position you would willingly trade for, ensuring their counsel is relevant and informed.

17. Apply Empathy Gently

When addressing someone’s potential losses, use empathy to guide them to realize their situation, avoiding blunt or forceful leverage that can make you appear adversarial.