Harvard’s Behaviour Expert: The Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You!

Dec 15, 2025 2h 31m 21 insights
Harvard Professor Alison Wood Brooks, a behavioral scientist, shares insights from two decades of conversational science. She reveals common communication mistakes, the art of negotiation, and strategies to improve likability and relationships.
Actionable Insights

1. Reframe Anxiety as Excitement

When feeling anxious, consciously reframe it as excitement by saying “I’m excited” out loud, as both emotions are high arousal. This shifts focus to opportunities and improves performance in various situations.

2. Validate Others’ Feelings First

In moments of disagreement, validate the other person’s feelings by saying “It makes sense that you feel X about Y” before expressing your own viewpoint. This makes them feel heard and keeps the conversation constructive.

3. Prioritize Others’ Needs for Value

Focus on being valuable to your organization and meeting your boss’s needs, rather than solely on your own wants. This approach makes you indispensable, often leading to desired outcomes like raises without needing to ask.

4. Eliminate “I Disagree” and “But”

Avoid starting conversations or counterpoints with “I disagree” or “but,” as these phrases immediately put others on the defensive and shut down receptiveness. Instead, use “yes, and” or validate their point before offering a different perspective.

5. Ask More Follow-Up Questions

Ask many more questions, especially follow-up questions, to show interest, make others feel heard, and deepen conversations. This is crucial for building relationships and understanding others’ perspectives.

6. Pre-Plan Conversation Topics

Spend 10-30 seconds before a conversation to think about potential topics or important points to discuss. This reduces anxiety, makes conversations smoother, and helps you remember to ask about things important to the other person.

7. Embrace Vulnerability for Friendship

To build meaningful friendships, consistently interact, maintain positivity, and most importantly, practice vulnerability by sharing your feelings, struggles, hopes, and dreams with others.

8. Validate to Persuade Effectively

To be more persuasive, first validate the other person’s views and ensure they feel heard and understood. This builds trust and keeps them engaged, making them more receptive to your ideas over time.

9. Avoid Boomerang Asking

After someone shares information in response to your question, resist the urge to immediately redirect the conversation back to yourself with your own related story. Instead, ask follow-up questions about their experience to show genuine interest.

10. Use Verbal Cues for Listening

Beyond silent nodding, actively demonstrate listening through verbal cues such as validating, affirming, asking follow-up questions, or paraphrasing what others have said. This shows genuine engagement and curiosity.

11. Transition from Small Talk Quickly

While small talk is a necessary social ritual, avoid staying there too long. After one or two exchanges, quickly transition to more personalized “medium talk” or “deep talk” to build genuine connection.

12. Employ Levity for Engagement

Use humor and warmth (levity) to keep conversations engaging and prevent boredom or disinterest. Mutual engagement is crucial for achieving any conversational goals, from connection to persuasion.

13. Practice Respectful Language

Demonstrate kindness through respectful language, such as correctly using people’s names and adjusting your formality to the situation. These small choices significantly impact how interactions unfold.

14. Incorporate Callbacks to Show Listening

Make callbacks to previous topics or details shared by others to demonstrate active listening, retention, and genuine interest. This strengthens connection and can be particularly effective when ending a conversation.

15. Communicate Your Energy Levels

Recognize that conversation is effortful and requires energy. If you’re low on energy, communicate your state (e.g., “I’m on 10% today”) to your conversation partners, allowing them to adjust expectations and give you grace.

16. Effective Apologies: Own and Change

When apologizing, take ownership of your mistake without making excuses and explicitly promise a concrete plan for how you will change your behavior in the future. Avoid apologizing more than twice in one conversation to prevent revisiting negativity.

17. Strengthen Your Negotiation BATNA

Before a negotiation, like asking for a raise, strengthen your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) by securing other offers. This increases your personal power and leverage.

18. Ask “What Are You Excited About?”

Use the question “What are you excited about lately?” as a go-to conversation starter. It’s revealing of what’s top of mind for the other person and provides a natural path for follow-up questions and deeper engagement.

19. Prioritize Face-to-Face Communication

Recognize that face-to-face conversations are uniquely “real” and engaging compared to digital interactions. Prioritize in-person communication for building genuine connections and creating lasting memories.

20. End Conversations Assertively

Since there’s no perfect timing to end a conversation, be assertive and conclude it rather than prolonging it with hesitation. This prevents awkwardness and embarrassment.

21. Practice Strategic Authenticity

Instead of bringing your “whole self” to every situation, practice strategic authenticity by adjusting your behavior to fit the context and needs of the conversation. This allows you to embody your core values while being an effective communicator.