Jay Shetty: 8 Rules For Perfect Love & Amazing Sex!

1. Prioritize Personal Purpose (Dharma)

Prioritize understanding your personal purpose (Dharma) and values before seeking relationships, as skipping this foundational self-work to find connection often leads to unhealed wounds and dysfunctional dynamics.

2. Fill Your Own Bottle First

Prioritize filling your own ‘bottle’ with resources like financial stability, skills, knowledge, and a strong reputation, as this personal abundance enables you to have a greater, more sustainable impact on others.

3. Build Self-Worth Through Hardship

Cultivate genuine self-worth by actively engaging in and completing difficult challenges, then reflecting on the growth and resilience gained, rather than relying solely on affirmations or self-talk.

4. Don’t Change Your Partner

Recognize that people change for themselves, not for others; if you’re constantly trying to change your partner, you may be in love with their potential or a projected version, not their authentic self.

5. Prioritize Personal Joy

Define success by engaging in activities that bring you personal joy and happiness, ensuring that this internal fulfillment naturally extends to benefit others, rather than solely seeking external validation.

6. Clarify Your Own Vision

Before discussing your partner’s life vision, first clarify your own vision for a relationship and your personal life, as self-awareness is foundational for meaningful connection and alignment.

7. Know Your Likes, Values, Goals

Enhance your dating success by first clarifying your personal likes, dislikes, values, and goals, as this self-knowledge helps you identify compatible partners and environments where you’re more likely to connect authentically.

8. Avoid Dating from Insecurity

Refrain from entering new relationships when carrying deep insecurities or unhealed trauma, as this mindset can sabotage healthy connections and perpetuate cycles of emotional distress.

9. Three Pillars of Love

Build love on three pillars: genuinely liking your partner’s personality, respecting their core values (reflected in their time and money allocation), and actively desiring to help them achieve their personal goals.

10. Be a Relationship Supporter

Strive to be a supportive and equal partner who adds value, rather than adopting the roles of a ‘fixer’ trying to change someone or a ‘project’ seeking to be fixed, fostering mutual growth.

11. Ask Partner’s Life Vision

Initiate conversations by asking your partner about their personal vision for their life and if they desire your support in achieving it, ensuring alignment and mutual understanding of individual goals.

12. Avoid Exerting Your Pace

Refrain from imposing your personal ambitions or pace onto your partner; instead, respect and support their unique journey and priorities, understanding that their self-worth may stem from different values.

13. Climb Intimacy Pyramid

Elevate relationship intimacy by moving beyond passive entertainment like TV; instead, engage in shared new experiences, learn together, and participate in acts of service to foster deeper connection and vulnerability.

14. Schedule Phone-Free Connection

Implement a regular routine, such as a monthly phone-free getaway, to ensure consistent, undisturbed, quality connection with your partner, preventing reliance on infrequent vacations for intimacy.

15. Practice Conscious Distance

When physically separated from your partner, ensure the distance is conscious by planning its duration, communication methods, and a clear strategy for reconnection, as unconscious separation is detrimental.

16. Seek Presence, Not Just Time

When expressing a need for connection, articulate that you desire your partner’s full ‘presence’ and ’energy,’ not merely shared ’time,’ as genuine engagement is crucial for building intimacy.

17. Great Sex is Byproduct

Understand that great sex is a natural byproduct of deep connection and intimacy, not a substitute or primary source; address underlying relationship issues like lack of growth or purpose to improve sexual connection.

18. Interview, Don’t Interrogate

Approach sensitive conversations with your partner as an ‘interviewer’ by asking open-ended questions with curiosity and empathy, rather than an ‘interrogator’ who judges and accuses, to foster openness.

19. Practice Dating Celibacy

When starting a new relationship, consider practicing celibacy for a committed period to foster deeper emotional intimacy and connection, enabling clearer decision-making beyond initial physical attraction.

20. Redirect Creative Energy

Reframe celibacy not as repression, but as an opportunity to redirect vital creative energy, typically spent on romantic pursuits, towards personal development, skill acquisition, or other creative endeavors.

21. Relish Internal Battles

Accept that the battle against your ‘ugly side’ (e.g., comparison, envy, ego) is a continuous, daily practice to be relished, not a war to be definitively won, as putting your guard down can lead to loss.

22. Pluck Daily Mental Weeds

Engage in a daily practice of identifying and ‘plucking out the weeds’ of negative tendencies like ego, envy, and comparison, preventing them from overwhelming your positive intentions and growth.

23. Process Criticism Intentionally

When facing criticism, dedicate time to intentionally process it: read it, acknowledge defensive feelings, critically assess if any part is valid feedback, and then distinguish genuine feedback from baseless attacks.

24. Cultivate Compassion for Critics

Develop compassion for critics by trying to understand the underlying reasons for their behavior, reflecting on your own imperfections, jealousy, and inadequacies to gain perspective.

25. Explain Intentions, Provide Context

Proactively explain your intentions and provide context for your actions and beliefs, especially when they might be easily misunderstood or contradict past perceptions, to foster better understanding.

26. Embrace Personal Complexity

Give yourself permission to embrace all your diverse interests, passions, and roles, rather than feeling confined to a single identity or past label, allowing for personal growth and authenticity.

27. Break Performance Cycles

Identify when a once-passionate activity becomes mere performance, draining your soul. Choose to break these cycles, even if successful, to pursue new avenues that genuinely fuel your growth and allow for deeper impact.

28. Trust Your Intuition

Cultivate and trust your intuition, especially when making significant decisions, as it is a powerful guide for creating joy, happiness, and success, even if it means taking risks.

29. Reflect, Review, Reassess Life

Periodically reflect, review, and reassess your life’s direction, energy allocation, and goals to ensure continuous growth and renewal, especially after periods of intense output.

30. Balance Scrappy and Scale

When growing, balance the agility and quick decision-making of early stages with the awareness that increased scale means decisions have broader impact and require more consideration for affected people and potential vulnerabilities.