Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship

May 12, 2022 1h 37m 24 insights
In this episode, Matthew Hussey, a New York Times best-selling author and dating expert, discusses overcoming ego, finding genuine connection, and the power of personal responsibility. He shares actionable strategies for cultivating happiness, building strong relationships, and making the most of life's circumstances.
Actionable Insights

1. Aspire to Be the Best Chef

Instead of lamenting your given circumstances (“ingredients”), focus on developing your ability to make the most of what you have (“being the best chef”). This shifts focus from external factors to internal agency and resilience.

2. Define Daily Happiness Criteria

Identify your personal “criteria” for a good day (e.g., create, move, learn, connect, appreciate, contribute) and ensure you tick these boxes daily. This provides a foundational sense of well-being independent of external achievements.

3. Create Emotional Buttons

Develop a list of “emotional buttons” (specific ideas, thoughts, videos, people, or phrases) that can instantly connect you to desired positive emotional states. Review them daily to proactively manage your mood and reconnect with what’s important.

4. Morning Connection Routine

Start your day by reviewing your “emotional buttons” and listening to instrumental music to foster a sense of connection and being “on the inside of your life.” This prevents you from waking up and feeling passively dragged through the day.

5. Mood Follows Action

Remember the phrase “mood follows action” to overcome inertia; act first, even if you don’t feel like it. The desired mood or motivation will often follow the action, making it easier to start difficult tasks.

6. Settle On, Not For

Shift your mindset from “settling for” (accepting less than your standard) to “settling on” (consciously choosing to invest your focus and energy into making a chosen path or relationship extraordinary). This empowers you to actively create value in your commitments.

7. Take Responsibility for Response

Practice extreme ownership by taking responsibility not for things that are not your fault, but for how those things affect you and how you choose to respond. This empowers you to improve your situation and emotional state.

8. Create Passion Where You Are

Instead of constantly seeking a new environment or career for passion, actively look for and create excitement within your current projects and circumstances. This fosters fulfillment by finding meaning in your present situation.

9. Analyze Positive Emotions

When you experience positive emotions (peace, happiness, connection), pause and analyze the circumstances, thoughts, and actions that led to that feeling. This helps you create a “formula” for replicating these desirable emotional states.

10. Accept Partners As They Are

Before committing to a relationship, honestly assess if you are at peace with who the person is today, rather than entering with the expectation or wager that you can “fix” or change them. This prevents relationships built on unrealistic expectations.

11. Practice Vulnerability Early

Practice vulnerability early in dating by paying genuine compliments or sharing your true passions, even if they seem “nerdy.” These authentic acts foster connection without over-exposing deep insecurities too soon.

12. Understand Differences with Curiosity

When encountering differences with a partner, practice curiosity by asking “why” they like or do something, seeking to understand the underlying values or needs. This can reveal deeper connections despite surface-level differences.

13. Embrace Present Circumstances

Mentally reset your perspective by imagining you’ve just woken up into your current life with all its opportunities and problems, and your sole job is to make the absolute most of it. This helps let go of past regrets or future anxieties.

14. Practice Self-Compassion During Pain

When experiencing chronic pain or intense emotional distress, practice immense self-compassion by letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to simply “be in pain” or “be miserable” without self-judgment. This can reduce the emotional component of suffering.

15. Challenge Agenda Belief

Actively work to dissolve the limiting belief that everyone has a hidden agenda and cannot be trusted, allowing yourself to be open to genuine acts of kindness and connection. This fosters more authentic relationships and reduces suspicion.

16. Cultivate Trust in Others

Decide to be a person who trusts others, even if some may take advantage, focusing on the positive intention of building genuine connections. This promotes a more open and fulfilling approach to relationships.

17. The ‘One’ is Built

Dispense with the idea of finding “the one”; instead, focus on building a relationship with someone who has the right “raw materials” to become “the one” through shared effort and commitment. This emphasizes active creation over passive waiting.

18. Reframe Permanence as Evolution

Adopt a more productive relationship with permanence, viewing long-term commitments (like relationships or life choices) not as static choices, but as evolving entities whose meaning changes and grows with you over time. This reduces fear of long-term decisions.

19. Commit to Invest for Best Results

Commit to a choice (“settle on” it) to unlock the opportunity to fully invest your energy and make that choice the best it can possibly be. Holding back due to fear of missing out prevents you from maximizing its potential.

20. Conscious Investment Follows Commitment

Once you consciously decide to “settle on” a situation (e.g., a home, a relationship), you naturally begin to invest more deeply and consciously in it. This leads to greater enjoyment and fulfillment in your chosen path.

21. Differentiate Ownership from Fault

Understand that taking responsibility for your feelings and actions does not mean accepting fault for external events or traumas. This distinction empowers you to handle difficult situations productively without self-blame.

22. Avoid Self-Disparaging Vulnerability

Distinguish true vulnerability from self-disparaging remarks about your insecurities; avoid immediately highlighting your perceived flaws. This prevents you from dictating others’ perceptions and allows them to form their own opinions.

23. Practice What You Preach

If you teach or advocate for something, ensure you genuinely live by it, as it validates the importance and effectiveness of the advice. This builds credibility and reinforces the value of your own principles.

24. Reframe ‘Having To’ as ‘Choosing’

Be mindful of the shift from choosing to having to do something, as this can turn a previously loved activity into a source of stress. Reconnect with the choice aspect of your actions to maintain motivation and well-being.