Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury

Mar 29, 2024 10m 58s 12 insights
This episode features Logan, an expert on relationships, discussing how to find a long-term partner by shifting from "relation shopping" to "relation shipping." It emphasizes focusing on how a person makes you feel rather than superficial qualities or a rigid checklist, introducing the "Post-Date Eight" questions.
Actionable Insights

1. Prioritize How They Make You Feel

Focus on what version of yourself a potential partner brings out, as this determines who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship. This experiential mindset is more crucial than evaluating their superficial qualities.

2. Shift to Relation Shipping

Move away from “relation shopping” (using a checklist for a partner) to “relation shipping,” which involves putting in the work to build a long-term partnership. This shift is essential for finding lasting happiness in relationships.

3. Date Like a Scientist

Challenge your preconceived notions about your ’type’ by dating people who are different from what you think you want. Often, these unexpected connections lead to more successful and fulfilling relationships.

4. Embrace the “Not My Type” Signal

View someone being ’not your type’ as a positive sign, as it often indicates you’re making a different choice that could lead to a different, and potentially better, relationship outcome than past patterns.

5. Use the Post-Date Eight Questions

After a date, ask yourself the ‘Post-Date Eight’ questions to tune into your experience and feelings, rather than just evaluating the other person. This trains your brain to focus on what truly matters in a connection.

6. Fuck the Spark, Seek Slow Burn

Avoid chasing intense initial chemistry or ’the spark,’ which often leads to relationships that burn out quickly. Instead, prioritize a ‘slow burn’ connection with a secure person for a more stable and long-lasting partnership.

7. Train Your Dating Barometer

Use a new barometer, like the Post-Date Eight, to assess if your interest in someone is trending upwards after each date. This helps train your brain away from anxious-avoidant dating patterns towards a more secure approach.

8. Cultivate Mindful Dating

Actively pay attention to how you feel in your body and what side of you a person brings out during a date. This mindfulness overrides the checklist mindset and helps you focus on the actual experience of being with someone.

9. Avoid Resume Qualities Trap

Do not prioritize a person’s ‘resume qualities’ (e.g., good family, career, money) if they make you feel bad in person. Focus instead on how they treat you and how you feel in their presence, as these are better indicators of relationship success.

10. Don’t Over-Optimize for Looks

While attraction is important, avoid over-optimizing for physical attractiveness in a partner. Humans adapt to circumstances, meaning the initial excitement about looks diminishes over time.

11. Don’t Over-Optimize for Money

Do not overly prioritize a partner’s wealth, as research indicates that happiness levels adapt to financial circumstances over time. Focus on qualities that provide lasting connection rather than transient material benefits.

12. Seek Complementary Personalities

Instead of finding an identical personality twin, look for someone who compliments you. Different hobbies and personalities can enrich a relationship, as long as there is mutual respect and support for individual exploration.