Paul Brunson: "The 70/30 Body Shape Is Scientifically The Most Sexy", "The ONE Question That Predicts Divorce!" & "The Link Between Childhood Trauma & Sex"

Feb 1, 2024 2h 10m 21 insights
Paul Carrick Brunson, the world's most influential matchmaker, discusses the evolution of dating, the importance of self-actualization in relationships, and actionable insights for choosing a strong partner. He covers topics from attachment theory and self-esteem to spotting red flags and mastering conflict resolution.
Actionable Insights

1. Partner Selection is Critical

Recognize that choosing a partner is the single most important decision in life, impacting longevity, happiness, health, and even safety, according to research.

2. Cultivate Personal Well-being Before Relationship

Achieve a high level of personal satisfaction and flourishing before entering a relationship, as this directly correlates with higher relationship satisfaction. Focus on Carol Riff’s six dimensions of psychological well-being.

3. Master Conflict Resolution for Longevity

Understand that the inability to resolve conflict is the primary reason for relationship breakdowns, not the topics themselves. Develop skills to address disagreements constructively as a partnership.

4. Avoid Gottman’s Four Horsemen

Be aware of and actively avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and especially contempt in interactions, as these behaviors are strong predictors of relationship failure, with contempt having a 99% likelihood of breakup.

5. Actively Choose Your Relationship Partner

Take an active role in selecting a partner rather than passively allowing yourself to be chosen, ensuring you find someone who aligns with your needs and values.

6. Seek Five Key Partner Traits

Prioritize partners who are emotionally fit (stable, intelligent), have courageous vision, are resiliently resourceful, open-minded (curious), and offer compassionate support, as these are crucial for a strong union.

7. Leverage External Perspectives for Partner Choice

Consult friends, family, and trusted individuals for their objective insights into a potential partner’s behavior, as they may see things you cannot due to infatuation, similar to successful arranged marriages.

8. Heed Friends’ Partner Warnings

If all your friends consistently express concerns about a partner, recognize that this is a strong indicator the relationship will not work out 100% of the time.

9. Boost Self-Esteem with Small Wins

Enhance self-esteem by practicing self-compassion (journaling, meditating, exercising), setting and achieving small, achievable goals, and mastering new skills.

10. Build Self-Image by Keeping Commitments

Consistently honor small commitments you make to yourself, as these actions cumulatively reinforce a positive self-image and build a foundation for larger achievements.

11. Prioritize Authenticity in Dating

Present your true, authentic self, including vulnerabilities and quirks, in dating interactions and online profiles, as authenticity is increasingly valued and leads to more genuine connections.

12. Recognize Lack of Effort Red Flag

Identify a partner’s unwillingness to engage in self-improvement or relationship work (e.g., therapy, active listening, trust exercises) as a significant red flag.

13. Exit Relationships with Diagnosed Narcissists

If a partner is a clinically diagnosed narcissist, understand that they cannot change their fundamental nature of using others, and the only path to well-being is to leave the relationship.

14. Observe Partner Behavior Over Time

Take sufficient time (e.g., at least two years of committed dating before marriage) to observe a partner’s behavior across various ups and downs, revealing their true character and stability.

15. Identify True Values by Observing Actions

Determine your actual values by analyzing how you spend your free time and discretionary money, as these actions reveal your true priorities, not just what you claim to value.

16. Practice Active Listening and Thoughtful Response

Develop and apply active listening skills in conversations, focusing on understanding your partner rather than immediately reacting, which improves communication and strengthens the relationship.

17. Build Foundation for Honest Communication

Foster an environment of trust and positive interactions over time, as a strong historical foundation allows for greater transparency and blunt honesty without fear of conflict.

18. Embrace the ‘Boring’ Great Love

Reframe the perception of a stable, secure relationship as ‘boring’ and instead appreciate the profound sense of peace and well-being it provides, knowing ‘great love looks boring, but it feels great’.

19. Understand Attachment Styles for Intimacy

Learn about attachment theory (secure, anxious, avoidant) to better understand your own and your partner’s emotional and sexual preferences, fostering greater intimacy and understanding.

20. Prioritize Relationship Development Early

Recognize that intimate relationships are among the most important facets of life, and therefore, actively focus on developing them from an earlier age, alongside career and education.

21. Leverage ‘Premium Effect’ by Being Scarce

Strategically place yourself in social or professional environments where your demographic or interests make you a unique or scarce commodity, increasing your perceived value and opportunities for connection.