The Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! Your Resting Face Matters & How To Fix It!

1. Be the First Liker

Actively set out to like more people and express that liking through micro-moments of connection, as the most popular individuals are those who genuinely like the most people.

2. Customize Your Charisma Recipe

Choose a personalized ‘recipe’ of warmth and competence cues from the 97 identified, as you don’t need to use all of them to be charismatic; focus on what feels natural and authentic to you.

3. Leverage Social Strengths in Tailored Settings

Identify your unique social strengths (e.g., listening, humor, persuasion) and intentionally create or seek out environments where you can best exercise those strengths, rather than trying to compete in settings that don’t suit you.

4. Carefully Choose Your Inner Circle

Intentionally choose the five people you spend the most time with, ensuring they exhibit cues you want to catch, as proximity to high performers boosts your performance while proximity to low performers decreases it.

5. Embrace and Share Imperfections Early

Embrace and share authentic vulnerabilities or imperfections early in interactions (e.g., job interviews, dates) to trigger the ‘other shoe effect,’ which builds trust and makes you more likable.

6. Adjust Warmth & Competence Cues

Use warmth cues if you’re perceived as intimidating or cold, and competence cues if you’re not taken seriously or are often interrupted, like adjusting a thermostat to balance your impression.

7. Use Priming Words to Influence

Employ specific words in communications like calendar invites, emails, or profiles to cue desired feelings or actions in others, e.g., ‘collaborative session’ instead of ‘meeting’.

8. Employ Vocal Variety for Charisma

Vary your tone, pace, volume, and cadence to make your speech more engaging and to signal importance, numbers, or storytelling, which helps listeners stay attentive.

9. Use Downward Inflection for Conviction

End your sentences with a downward inflection, especially when stating facts, numbers, or boundaries, to signal conviction and ensure you are taken seriously, avoiding the accidental ‘question inflection’ that can imply doubt.

10. Keep Hands Visible to Build Trust

Ensure your hands are visible when interacting, especially in first impressions or on video, as hidden hands can trigger unease and distrust from an evolutionary perspective.

11. Use More Hand Gestures

Increase your use of hand gestures, especially to outline or emphasize points, as it significantly boosts engagement and comprehension, making you appear more competent and honest.

12. Label Negative Cues to Break Cycle

When you observe a negative cue (e.g., eye roll, scoff), mentally label it (e.g., ’lip purse,’ ‘red flag’) to prevent internalizing it and to regain control over your own emotional response and subsequent cues.

13. Ask Excitement-Based Conversation Starters

Replace generic questions like ‘What do you do?’ or ‘How are you?’ with excitement-based questions such as ‘Working on anything exciting recently?’ or ‘Do anything fun this past weekend?’ to foster deeper, more engaging conversations.

14. Use Character Questions for Connection

Ask ‘What book, movie, or TV character is most like you and why?’ to uncover someone’s self-narrative and values, leading to surprisingly deep and authentic conversations.

15. Address Ambivalent Relationships Actively

Actively address ambivalent relationships by asking deeper questions to either move them to a closer intimacy level or decide to distance yourself, as these relationships are more energetically draining than clearly toxic ones.

16. Cultivate a Lucky Mindset

Perceive yourself as lucky, as this mindset literally helps you see more opportunities, while feeling unlucky can cause you to miss them.

17. Optimize Profile Pictures for Cues

Avoid showing the upper whites of your eyes (fear eyes), asymmetrical smiles (contempt), or inauthentic smiles in profile pictures to prevent signaling anxiety, negativity, or insincerity.

18. Understand Resting Facial Expression

Look in a mirror to identify your default resting facial expression (sad, angry, afraid) and consciously counteract it in first impressions to avoid miscommunication.

19. Maximize Earlobe-to-Shoulder Distance

Maintain a relaxed posture with shoulders down and earlobes out to maximize the distance between them, as this directly correlates with appearing and feeling more confident.

20. Employ Lower Lid Flex for Focus

Subtly flex your lower eyelids to signal intense focus and understanding, especially when someone is sharing important information, but be aware it can also signal skepticism if not combined with other positive cues.

21. Make Eye Contact at Sentence Endings

Make direct eye contact at the end of your sentences to emphasize your point and appear more powerful and competent, rather than maintaining 100% eye contact, which can be invasive.

22. Use a Slow Triple Nod

Employ a slow, deliberate triple nod to nonverbally encourage others to speak longer and feel heard, but avoid fast nodding, which signals impatience.

23. Employ a Head Tilt for Warmth

Use a slight head tilt when listening or delivering bad news to appear more warm, empathetic, and likable, as it signals active listening and care.

24. Lean In to Signal Interest

Subtly lean in when someone says something interesting or when you want to emphasize a point, as it signals engagement and a desire to connect, but avoid excessive leaning which can appear submissive.

25. Create Non-Verbal Bridges

Use subtle non-verbal cues like light touches (arm, shoulder), leans, or even just positioning your arm to ’look’ like a touch to bridge physical distance and build warmth and connection.

26. Signal Desired Greeting Clearly

Clearly signal your preferred greeting (handshake, hug, fist bump) from a distance with open body language and appropriate hand positioning to avoid awkward interactions.

27. Optimize Handshake Duration

Aim for a handshake duration of one to three seconds, with a three-second shake for new acquaintances and a quicker one-second shake for those you already know.

28. Offer Thumb-Up Handshake

Offer your hand with your thumb pointing upwards during a handshake to signal equality and avoid appearing submissive or allowing the other person to manipulate the grip.

29. Keep Conversation Openers Simple

Start conversations with basic, low-pressure openers like ‘Hey, nice to meet you’ to allow the other person’s brain to feel safe and open to interaction, rather than overthinking complex questions.

30. Identify Energy-Draining People & Places

Make a list of people and places that drain or charge your social battery to optimize your social interactions, limiting exposure to draining ones.

31. Categorize Relationships by Intimacy

Categorize your top 20 relationships into three levels (general traits, personal concerns, self-narrative) to understand where you stand with people and decide where to invest more deeply.

32. Optimize Physical Environment for Expressiveness

Arrange your physical environment, such as chair type or proximity to a table, to encourage open body language and hand gestures, as this enhances expressiveness and engagement.

33. Maintain Optimal Conversational Distance

Aim for an arm’s length distance (personal zone) in conversations, where you could comfortably shake hands, as this is the ideal space for good connection.

34. Set Camera Distance for Virtual Calls

Position your camera one arm’s length (1.5 to 3 feet) from your nose during video calls to avoid accidentally signaling intimacy cues, which can make others uncomfortable.

35. Plan Purposeful Stage Movement

For public speaking, plan subtle, purposeful movements on stage to help your audience organize and categorize your talk, e.g., using different areas of the stage for science vs. personal stories.

36. Trigger Specific Neural Networks in Branding

Intentionally design your personal brand (e.g., profile pictures, background, props) to trigger specific neural networks in your target audience, attracting those with similar interests and creating ‘allergies’ for those who aren’t a good fit.

37. Use Croissant Feet for Approachability

Angle your feet towards the most active part of a room (or towards someone you want to approach you) to nonverbally signal openness and availability, inviting interaction.

38. Use Repeated Glances to Invite

If you want someone to approach you in a social setting, use multiple quick, darting glances combined with a smile or hair flip, as it can take up to eight glances to signal availability effectively.

39. Gesture Towards Desired Interactions

Subtly gesture in the direction of someone you wish to interact with, even while talking to others, to nonverbally invite them to join the conversation or approach you.

40. Prioritize Weak Ties & Micro-Connections

Be mindful of how technology like AirPods hinders ‘weak ties’ (casual connections) and actively seek out micro-moments of connection in daily life, as these are crucial for happiness and building broader social networks.

41. Look for Incongruent Cues

Pay attention to inconsistencies between verbal and nonverbal cues (e.g., saying ‘yes’ while shaking your head ’no’) as a potential indicator of deception, prompting you to dig deeper.

42. Observe Gesture Usage for Deception

Pay attention to the quantity of gestures someone uses, as liars typically use fewer gestures, which can be a subtle indicator of deceit.

43. Avoid Muting Your Cues

Do not try to be stoic or unreadable, as muting your cues makes people unable to get a read on you, hindering connection and trust.

44. Filter Friendships by Quality

If you’re hesitant to initiate a conversation because you anticipate it being boring or feeling like work, consider that the person might not be a close friend worth investing in.

45. Offer Authentic Smiles

Ensure your smiles are authentic, activating your cheek muscles and reaching your eyes, as genuine happiness is contagious and more effective than a fake smile.

46. Avoid Tapping During Hugs

When hugging, avoid tapping on the back, as this can be perceived as a submissive cue and detracts from an equal, genuine embrace.

47. Use Steeple Hand Gesture

Form a ‘steeple’ with your hands (a relaxed triangle shape) to signal confidence and poise, but avoid drumming fingers, which can appear manipulative.

48. Use Politician’s Handshake with Caution

Use a ‘cupped’ handshake (politician’s handshake) only when genuinely intending to convey high warmth and connection, as it can otherwise appear forced or manipulative.

49. Actively Broadcast Positive Signals

Consciously express your positive feelings and appreciation, as people often don’t pick up on subtle cues, and actively broadcasting these signals makes you more likable.

50. Define Your Desired Emotional Impact

Identify the specific emotion you want people to feel when they encounter your brand (e.g., in emails, on stage, LinkedIn) and intentionally craft your communication to evoke that emotion.