The Dating Doctor: "Start Dating Like It's Your Job!", "Dating Apps Are Impacting Us More Than We Realise!"

Aug 26, 2024 2h 21m 18 insights
Dr. Orion Taraban, a clinical psychologist, discusses the modern relationship crisis, exploring how dating apps and pornography impact attraction and communication. He offers actionable strategies for men and women to navigate the complexities of the current sexual marketplace and build satisfying relationships.
Actionable Insights

1. Clarify Relationship Selection Criteria

Identify only the core, non-negotiable needs that must be met in a sexual relationship (e.g., sex, attraction). Meet other needs (e.g., intellectual conversation, shared hobbies) through non-sexual relationships to broaden your applicant pool and reduce pressure on your partner.

2. Date Like It’s Your Job

Treat dating as a numbers game requiring massive action, like a job search. Send out many “resumes,” seek coaching, and research to increase your hit rate and minimize time in the sexual marketplace, overcoming rejection through sheer volume.

3. Prioritize Self-Improvement for Attraction

Everyone can become more attractive. Focus on controllable aspects like physical fitness, hygiene, dressing well, and learning charismatic communication to direct attention and overcome conventional attractiveness liabilities.

4. Understand Feminine Communication Nuances

Recognize that women often communicate to provoke emotional resonance, not just convey semantic information. Men should learn to “vibe” and invest words with emotional content to connect more deeply.

5. Don’t Over-Talk on First Dates

Avoid talking too much on early dates to “prove value,” as this often disabuses the other person of the fantasy they’ve projected onto you. Tread carefully to preserve initial attraction and allow the fantasy to slowly evolve.

6. Discover Purpose Through Action

Avoid fruitless rumination about life’s purpose. Instead, take action, move through the world, and examine your choices in retrospect to discover your true preferences and identity, as answers come from doing, not just thinking.

7. Relationships Begin After Disappointment

True relationships start when the initial fantasy shatters during the “crisis of disappointment,” allowing partners to see each other for who they truly are. This is a necessary step for genuine connection and deeper understanding.

8. Meet Your Partner’s Needs

To have a satisfying relationship, focus on consistently meeting your partner’s core needs and wants. This foundational effort can often reduce the need for superficial “bullshit” (e.g., excessive communication, forced gestures) that doesn’t address underlying dissatisfaction.

9. Cultivate a Spine and Balls

A man needs a “spine” (willingness to stand up for something) and “balls” (willingness to deal with the inevitable consequences, criticism, or resistance that comes from taking a stand). This is fundamental to navigating life and attracting respect.

10. Forgive for Personal Well-being

Practice forgiveness as an emotional survival strategy, relinquishing anger and resentment to prevent your heart from being clouded. Be willing to offer forgiveness first, even if it’s not reciprocated, to free yourself from negative emotions.

11. Create Space in Relationships

Maintain novelty and interest in long-term relationships by creating physical and emotional space from your partner. Constant proximity can diminish attraction and mystery, making absence a valuable tool for rekindling connection.

12. Initiate Indirectly (for Women)

Women can effectively initiate interactions with men they desire through indirect methods that offer plausible deniability (e.g., strategic eye contact, “dropping the handkerchief”). This allows them to choose partners while maintaining social comfort.

13. Address Pornography Addiction by Stopping

To overcome pornography addiction, the primary step is to stop using it. Plan for triggers like boredom or the need for reward by finding alternative, pro-social activities and connections to channel that energy.

14. Relationships are an Exchange of Value

Understand that relationships fundamentally involve an exchange of value, not just love. People move towards those who offer what they want or need, and your “value proposition” must be commensurate with what you seek.

15. Avoid ‘Just Happening’ Mindset

Do not fall into the trap of believing relationships will “just happen” or that a man’s departure means he wasn’t “the one.” Actively provide value and effort to maintain a relationship, as things rarely fall into your lap.

16. Be Cautious of Majority Behavior

Since most people’s lives are not ideal, be wary of following the crowd. Moving in a different direction from the majority can often reveal valuable opportunities or more effective strategies for success.

17. Accept Your Partner as They Are

True love involves accepting your partner without trying to change them. If you cannot accept them as they are, it’s better to find a different partner than to subtly disrespect them by attempting to mold them.

18. Therapy is Not a Panacea

Recognize that therapy has specific uses and limitations. It is effective for certain problems but not a universal cure for all life’s difficulties, so manage expectations accordingly.