The Gender Expert: Men Are Emotionally Dependent On Women & We're Treating Them Like Malfunctioning Women! Richard Reeves

Jul 8, 2024 2h 5m 14 insights
Richard Reeves, founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men, discusses the modern struggles of boys and men, including educational gaps, stagnating wages, and rising suicide rates. He explores how shifting gender roles have left men feeling unneeded and advocates for a new, positive script for masculinity that embraces gender equality while valuing men's unique contributions.
Actionable Insights

1. Acknowledge Men’s Struggles Publicly

Leaders and society should acknowledge men’s struggles, express empathy, and take their problems seriously without dismissal or pathologizing masculinity. This validates their experiences and creates a safe space for solutions, preventing problems from festering into grievances.

2. Cultivate a Sense of Being Needed

Recognize that feeling unneeded is a ‘fatal place’ for human beings, especially for men who often describe themselves as ‘useless’ or ‘worthless’ before suicide. Actively seek and create opportunities to contribute to family, community, and work to foster a deep sense of purpose and value.

3. Embrace Mature, Not Toxic, Masculinity

Reject the term ’toxic masculinity’ as a ‘gender slur’ that pathologizes male behavior without offering a clear positive alternative. Instead, focus on developing ‘mature masculinity,’ which involves being ‘for others,’ serving, and generating a surplus for the community.

4. Foster Shoulder-to-Shoulder Connection

Understand that men often communicate and bond more easily ‘shoulder to shoulder’ (doing an activity together) rather than ‘face to face.’ Utilize this insight for building and maintaining friendships, and consider it for therapeutic settings, like walking therapy.

5. Engage in Difficult, Data-Driven Conversations

Do not shy away from discussing challenging or polarizing topics, especially when they are important societal issues. Approach these conversations with a data-based, non-partisan, and nuanced perspective to foster genuine understanding and progress.

6. Respect Gender Differences as Equal Value

Acknowledge that men and women have average differences, understanding these as ‘overlapping distributions’ rather than absolutes, and treat them as equally valuable. An equal society values these differences without deeming one superior or inferior, rejecting the idea that equality requires androgyny.

7. Be a Real-Life Male Role Model

For young men, the most powerful antidote to negative online influences is a ‘real live man’ in their life. Show, don’t just tell, what mature and responsible masculinity looks like through your daily actions, interactions, and commitment to others.

8. Practice Agency, Grace, and Responsibility in Dating

Advise young men to have the courage to ask someone out (agency and risk-taking), the grace to accept ’no’ for an answer (no entitlement), and the responsibility to ensure the other person’s safety regardless of the outcome.

9. Adopt a Co-Provider Mindset in Relationships

In modern relationships, men should view themselves as co-providers of money, time, love, and energy, not just economic breadwinners. This approach supports women’s choices and ensures men remain engaged and needed within the family unit.

10. Prioritize Passionate and Purposeful Work

When choosing a career, prioritize finding work that you are passionate about, not just a high-earning job. Passion, agency, and verve in your work are fulfilling and make you more attractive to partners and employers alike.

11. Reinvent Community Contribution in Retirement

For older individuals, especially men, actively seek new ways to contribute to the community after retirement, such as volunteering or charity work. This helps maintain a sense of purpose and combat loneliness, which is a significant risk factor for older men.

12. Support Diverse Leadership Teams

In business, recognize that diverse leadership teams (e.g., with both men and women) can leverage average gender differences, such as men’s higher risk appetite and women’s greater stability, to achieve a balanced approach that reduces bankruptcy while maintaining profitability.

13. Embrace Chivalrous Symbolic Acts

Engage in symbolic acts of chivalry, such as holding doors or walking roadside, as long as they are appreciated and do not imply inferiority or power imbalance. These gestures can be valuable expressions of respect and care in a world of gender equality.

14. Use ‘Died by Suicide’ to Reduce Stigma

Adopt the language ‘died by suicide’ instead of ‘committed suicide’ to reduce the stigma, shame, and guilt associated with suicide. This shift in terminology promotes a more compassionate and understanding approach to mental health.