The Gottman Doctors: Affairs Can Actually Save Your Relationship! But If You See This, It's Time To Walk Away!

1. Prioritize Emotional Connection

Build affection and emotional connection with your partner, as this is the primary factor for a great sex life and overall relationship happiness, not just novelty or spontaneity. For many women, emotional safety and connection are prerequisites for feeling that a situation is erotic.

2. Turn Towards Bids

Acknowledge your partner’s attempts to get your attention or interest, even if it’s a small gesture, as couples who do this frequently (86% of the time) are more likely to stay together. If busy, gently set a time to connect later by saying you want to talk and will do so after a competing goal is finished.

3. Hold Weekly “State of Union”

Dedicate 90 minutes weekly to discuss your relationship, starting with five appreciations for each other. Then, address areas for improvement, and conclude by asking, “How can I make you feel loved this week?”

4. Practice Non-Defensive Listening

When your partner expresses concerns, listen without immediately defending yourself or counter-attacking. Use a notebook to take notes and reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding, which is crucial for conflict resolution.

5. Use “I Feel” Statements

Express your emotions by focusing on “I feel” statements (e.g., “I feel destroyed,” “I feel abandoned”) rather than blaming your partner with “you, you, you” statements, which can escalate conflict and prevent connection.

6. Avoid “Four Horsemen” Demise

Actively work to eliminate criticism (blaming personality flaws), contempt (disgust/superiority), defensiveness (victimhood/counterattack), and stonewalling (emotional withdrawal) from your interactions, as these are highly predictive of relationship failure. These patterns can be changed with awareness and practice.

7. Embrace Authenticity in Dating

When seeking a partner, be genuinely yourself rather than presenting an idealized image. People are attracted to authenticity, and hiding your true self leads to unmet expectations and negative experiences.

8. Build Strong Friendship Network

Cultivate a robust network of friends as a precondition for finding a romantic partner. Being supported by friends reduces loneliness and desperation, making you more attractive to potential partners.

9. Date with Curiosity, Not Evaluation

Approach dating as an opportunity to explore and learn about another person with genuine curiosity, rather than as a tense, evaluative interview where you’re constantly assessing or trying to impress. This relaxed context fosters better connection.

10. Seek “Good Enough” Partner

Abandon the myth of finding a single “soulmate” or perfect person, as all relationships will have perpetual problems. Instead, look for a “good enough” relationship built on trust and commitment.

11. Value Kindness and Compassion

Prioritize a partner’s heart over their appearance, IQ, or education. Look for someone who is kind, caring, compassionate, and treats all people equally, regardless of social status.

12. Recovering from Infidelity: Atonement

The betraying partner must be totally transparent, answer all questions (avoiding graphic sexual details to prevent PTSD flashbacks), apologize sincerely and repeatedly, and listen non-defensively to the hurt partner’s feelings.

13. Recovering from Infidelity: Attunement

After atonement, both partners should examine the relationship itself to identify underlying issues, such as conflict avoidance or loneliness, that may have contributed to the affair. This phase focuses on rebuilding trust.

14. Recovering from Infidelity: Attachment

The final phase involves recommitting to the relationship and reattaching to your partner, often leading to the resumption of the sexual relationship, which may have been delayed during earlier stages.

15. Understand Betrayal’s Lasting Impact

Recognize that infidelity can cause PTSD, meaning that while triggers may become less frequent or intense, the emotional injury never truly disappears and may be reactivated by seemingly minor events. This requires ongoing empathy and understanding from the betraying partner.

16. Practice Daily Gratitude

Cultivate a habit of mind that notices what is going right in your relationship and life, and express appreciation for it. This positive filter enhances overall happiness and connection, counteracting a negative habit of mind.

17. Re-evaluate Life Priorities

Reflect on how you would spend your time and with whom if you had limited time left to live. This exercise can help clarify what truly matters, often shifting focus from material pursuits to deepening relationships.

18. Men: Express Vulnerable Emotions

Challenge societal norms that discourage men from expressing vulnerable emotions like fear or sadness. Openly sharing these feelings is crucial for building deeper emotional connection and intimacy in relationships.

19. Consider Age Gaps

Be aware that significant age differences, especially when younger, can lead to problems due to divergent developmental phases, life goals, values, and social histories. Relationships with disparate ages tend to work more easily when both partners are older and have established their identities.

20. Create Physical Space

If living together, ensure there is enough physical space in the home for partners to have individual time and not be in constant visual contact. This can help maintain desire and prevent feeling “around too much.”

21. Talk to Strangers

Overcome the fear of approaching strangers, as research shows most people are delighted to be contacted. This can help expand your social network and reduce loneliness.

22. Quality of Sex Over Quantity

Do not fall into the trap of comparing sexual frequency with others or societal norms, as there is no relationship between quantity and happiness. The quality of sexual connection, rather than the quantity, is what correlates with relationship happiness.

23. Accept Reality of Breakups

If a relationship ends, accept the reality of the situation rather than ruminating on what could have been changed. Grounding yourself in the present allows you to move forward and heal.