The No.1 Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! (And Fix Bad Sex) - Tracey Cox

May 15, 2023 1h 39m 14 insights
Sex educator Tracy Cox discusses the 'sex recession' and how to maintain desire in long-term relationships. She covers crucial topics like communication, understanding female orgasm, body image, and the impact of societal changes on sexual intimacy.
Actionable Insights

1. Confront Sexless Relationships Directly

If you haven’t had sex with your partner for a year, it’s crucial to confront the issue head-on, as it’s unlikely to resolve itself and can lead to relationship breakdown or infidelity. Initiate a serious conversation to address the underlying problems.

2. Prioritize Open Sex Communication

Talk openly about sex with your partner, even if it’s awkward at first, because every sex problem can be solved through discussion. Tactfully use a ‘compliment sandwich’ to express desires or concerns, focusing on positive framing and specific instructions.

3. Understand Responsive Female Desire

Recognize that most women have responsive desire, meaning they need sexual stimulation to feel aroused, unlike men who often have spontaneous desire. Foreplay is a necessity, not a luxury, to ensure comfort and enjoyment for women.

4. Offer Interesting, Erotic Sex

To keep women engaged and prevent boredom in monogamous relationships, offer varied, exciting, and erotic sexual experiences. Women get bored quicker than men if sex is routine and uninteresting, especially if it doesn’t lead to their orgasm.

5. Address Female Orgasm Gap

Acknowledge that 80% of women do not climax through penetrative sex alone, and faking orgasms is common. Prioritize female orgasms through methods like oral sex, fingers, or vibrators before or during intercourse to ensure satisfaction.

6. Cultivate ‘Otherness’ in Relationships

Maintain individual identities and separateness from your partner, rather than becoming ‘Tweedledum and Tweedledee,’ to sustain desire. Seeing your partner in the ‘real world’ and having your own interesting life keeps them appealing and prevents them from becoming ’too safe’.

7. Maintain Personal Attractiveness & Positivity

Have an obligation to stay as attractive and positive as possible for your partner, both physically and intellectually. Being bitter, twisted, or constantly miserable is a significant turn-off, regardless of physical appearance.

8. Boost Sexual Self-Esteem

Overcome body image issues by having sex more often, as positive sexual experiences subconsciously build confidence. Additionally, increase your skills as a lover through education and practice, and focus on what you feel during sex rather than how you look.

9. Initiate Sex Actively

Actively initiate sex with your partner to feel more powerful and to convey that you genuinely enjoy sex with them. Be obvious and approach your partner in a way that aligns with their desire type, such as cuddling and connecting for those with responsive desire.

10. Reframe Sex for Older Couples

For couples over 50, manage expectations about sex, keep having sex (use it or lose it), and actively seek solutions for age-related changes like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. Your attitude towards sex is more important than age in maintaining a fulfilling sex life.

11. Engage in Bite-Sized Sexual Connections

If you’re out of the habit of sex, start with small, non-intercourse-focused sexual connections like snogging, oral sex, or sensual baths. This helps to reconnect sexually without the daunting pressure of a full ‘marathon sex session’.

12. Educate Yourself on Sex

Don’t assume you know everything about sex; continuously educate yourself through books, online resources, or therapy. The female response system is complex, and understanding it can significantly improve your sex life.

13. Rethink Dating Criteria

For high-achieving women struggling to find a partner, broaden your wish list beyond traditional markers like income or education, focusing instead on personality qualities like kindness and humor. Consider dating outside your usual ’type’ and make an effort to go on multiple dates.

14. Address Childhood Sexual Experiences

Reflect on and address childhood experiences related to sex, intimacy, and relationships, as these can profoundly impact adult sexual behavior and confidence. Therapy or self-education can help unpack and overcome these formative influences.